Author: worrylessjourney

Sad reality?

by worrylessjourney, posted in addiction, anxiety, children, control, coping, help, safety

I have been fighting the dregs of this cold for so long. I feel as if my head is twice its normal size. In addition I am cloudy….that is my brain is not working at 100%.

Sometimes I feel as if I am in a dream-scape. Everything seems altered. My thoughts are vague and it is difficult to write about anything comprehensive. If this and the last few blogs seem peculiar that is why.

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You would think that being in a dream like state would be pleasant but for me it is not. I feel drugged…without any meds. When I was young I never tried taking the few drugs that were around at that time. I never wanted to feel out of control. LSD was popular and was being touted by Timothy O’Leary. This was the late 50’s. Most people didn’t realize that LSD could be so damaging. There were friends whose trips never really ended. I never understood it and I am grateful that I felt that way. For some reason being out of control was terrifying for me.

I still don’t understand the desire to be out of control. I think I worry more about staying in control which may be why anxiety can wipe me out. That is definitely being out of control.

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It worries my so much that young people feel the need to escape reality. It is sad that real life is so disturbing that some other reality is preferred. What is happening in our world today? Why are so many children depressed, anxious and finding drugs to change their world? I wish there were something that could be done. Some way to give them the (mostly) carefree, safe childhood that most of my peers experienced.

Times have changed and I am not sure if for the better.

There is understanding out there

by worrylessjourney, posted in aggravations, aging, anxiety, children, compassion, connections, empathy, friends, grace, healing, love, marriage, understanding

love-you-my-dear-friend-52650-15419Today a dear friend brought us a meal and stayed to eat it with us. It was a wonderful gift. Not just the meal but her presence. Friends are such a blessing. Since we are more or less trapped in the house it is wonderful to see a loving face.

Those of us who have people to turn to when we are deep in a hole can save our lives. I am so blessed to have those people in my life. It is a terrible thing to be alone. I do mean completely alone with no one to turn to.

people-dont-always-need-advice-sometimes-all-they-really-need-is-a-hand-to-hold-an-ear-to-listen-and-a-heart-to-understand-quote-1So often, with mental illness, there is no one who understands. Even the therapists we turn to for help. There are some who have suffered the pain that we feel and understand. It is important to find someone like that. Some therapists, even though they have not experienced it, have enough empathy to join with us in the emotion. A empathetic therapist is a gift. That it is why it is so important to find the right one.

My current isolation is trying but important to me. To be able to help in my husband’s healing lets me give back some of the love he has given me. I know that soon we will find that “new normal” we’ve been working toward.

age is a work of artWhen I was young I thought that aging was almost a worry free process. I don’t know how I could have thought that! I must have been really naive. Aging brings tremendous challenges but also wonderful gifts. You may be able to see the fulfillment of your dreams for you children and the amazing people they have become. I am not talking about monetary gain or major status but just seeing them as loving and caring adults.

God’s grace has been with me and will continue to be no matter what!

Today’s blessing: my children

 

Can we love?

by worrylessjourney, posted in anxiety, connections, dogs, feelings, love, PTSD, sadness, safety, unconditional love

Today I have thinking about my dogs. The two of them are such a joy. They have me get up laughing and go to bed laughing. They are so loving and caring. No one else greets me at the door so excited to see that I am home. They sense when I am happy and when I am sad.

If only we could be as kind and loving as my dogs. Most of us realize how much of an example dogs are for us. It seems they are the best of us. They have been exposed to humans for so long that now we are seeing them with the same illnesses that we have. My daughter recently adopted two bonded dachshunds…Lucy and Cash. Both dogs must have had a terrible life. They are both so stressed that they are on multiple meds for anxiety. Lucy is afraid of everything…especially men. Someone was very cruel to them.

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It almost seems that we humans created such horror for those dogs that they have PTSD, were abused and hurt beyond imagining.  We humans suffer too when life has hurt us so badly. We also suffer when, for no reason that we can see, anxiety, depression and other forms of anguish cause us to struggle to cope.

My daughter and her family are working hard to have those two dogs understand that they are safe and loved. Life would be better for everyone if we could all feel loved and safe.

What is your blankie

by worrylessjourney, posted in aggravations, anxiety, choices, coping, frustration, habits, needs, safety, Uncategorized

Today has been a good day. Physical therapy for my husband went well and he is just tired. I continue to be tired but seem to be recovering.

FH6KWHIt is so easy when you don’t feel well to get down in the dumps and let everything bother you. It’s also easy to know that’s the problem and still not be able to get past it. One thing I have learned in my life is that a messy house means a messed up me. for some reason neatness matters. I am not OCD about it and you can’t eat off my floors but I do feel better when things are in place.

I never could be a hoarder. I do have too much stuff and need to pare down but I can’t imagine living like that. Unfortunately it is another mental disorder that most people don’t understand. Those things somehow connect the person with fulfillment and safety. Do you ever wonder if there are things that do the same thing for you?

We traveled for 20 years in the Army and I learned that I can be at home anywhere and pretty quickly. I can’t think of any specific object that means home to me but it is somehow connected with things being put away. It is like a child’s “blankie.” If you could see my house now you would wonder how that could be. Maybe that is part of my current stress. My office is a wreck and that’s where I spend a lot of time.

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I think that each of us has something that helps us to feel comfortable and peaceful. Do you know what does it for you?

Today’s blessing: beautiful weather

The struggle

by worrylessjourney, posted in anxiety, belief, consequences, control, coping, depression, healing, hope, sadness, strength, stress

Heres-a-lifeline-to-stop-struggling-with-yourselfI have been struggling since I developed a cold prior to my husband’s surgery. The events leading up to the surgery (for over a year) stretched my coping like a taut rubber band. I think that is why I caught a cold. My immune system was low. The combination of the cold and the travel for his surgery pushed me over the edge. The cold is better and his recovery is continuing at home.

However, as usual when things are improving I didn’t. I am fighting the dregs of the cold and a major flare up of IBSD which brings on anxiety. I am continuing to fight both with stress reduction and medication. I am trying to rest as much as possible since I am completely exhausted. All of this means not a great few days.

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Somehow I am holding on to the knowledge that this too will pass and once again “all will be well.” My strength to resist all of this will return and I will be able to move on. I am so thankful that we are both retired and don’t have to be anywhere on a daily basis. So there are gifts in the midst of this.

Today’s blessing: We both have time to heal.

Remember the good

by worrylessjourney, posted in aggravations, anxiety, change, control, coping, depression, emotions, expectations, habits, life changes, memories, pain, perspective, remember, viewpoint

Life can be miserable. It can be painful. The thing is it’s what we have been given. No one’s life is free from trouble. That sounds like everything is awful but it’s not. Without the pain and the bad days how would we recognize the good when it comes. Life is lived in opposites. Good/bad, up/down, here/gone. We always have these things to deal with.

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It is a quirk of human nature that we often spend time remembering the bad more than the good. The late song writer, Johnny Mercer, said it all: “we need to accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative.” It is so easy to remember ourselves and our emotions from the bad time. It is harder to remember the feelings of joy and euphoria. I don’t know why that is.

I can tell you stories of bad things that have happened in my past. They are vivid and come into my mind bringing sounds, smells and feeling. There are many more of those than of the wonderful moments. I have had many wonderful moments. Why are they less vivid?

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I am beginning a journey of writing down the good memories when they come to me. It may be that they are vivid but I am not paying attention. That is why I know we need to log the good things that happen each day. There is a rule in nursing that if it isn’t written it isn’t done. I think the same thing is true of the good. Writing things down helps memory and I will be logging at least one each day.

Today it is: My husband is healing well.

Remember the good!

What holds you up?

by worrylessjourney, posted in anxiety, belief, choices, community, connections, coping, depression, emotions, empathy, faith, fear, God, hope, love, pain, safety, stress, understanding

I am tired, sad and struggling. I can’t seem to shake the tiredness left over from my cold and the stress of traveling and my husband’s surgery. I have a strange habit of not reacting physically to something when it is happening but it always hits when things are getting better. I guess I should have expected this.

holds you upI have mentioned before that I am blessed to have four dear friends. I know that it is rare to have four and thank God for it. They hold me up when I am down. At the moment two of them are having problems to deal with. Things that maybe can be solved and maybe not. I feel so much grief for what they have been and are going through. If only I could help more or take away some of the pain. Sometimes the only thing we can do is be present but it doesn’t feel like enough.

For the last month I have had to cope with the things in my own life and it has taken me away from being present more than I wanted. I hope that things shift soon and become more manageable.

I don’t know that any of us could possibly have coped without having a deep faith in a loving God. When things seem impossible leaning on God is my only recourse. Somehow I can sense his presence in the midst of all the chaos.  My friends feel the same and we all have the prayers of many to uphold us. At times is is possible to actually feel that support and love.

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I know there are people who don’t have this belief and that is their decision. I wold find it lonely and fearful without it. I hope that everyone has something that they can hold on to in the midst of life’s trials. May you find that thing that gives you peace and strength to hold on.

Get Going

by worrylessjourney, posted in aggravations, anxiety, change, complacency, control, coping, depression, frustration, impatience, sadness, strength, understanding

Today has been quiet and a little depressing. I am so attached to getting out and seeing people so staying home is a challenge. Sure, there are so many thing I could be doing…laundry, house cleaning, etc. but who want to do that?

I am still fighting a stuffy head and hangover from the cold and just am not totally myself yet. I have talked about how change affects us and even though this is not for long it is unsettling. I have cabin fever.

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I am comfortable at home and need my down time but an overdose can get to me. This is one of the good and bad things about knowing yourself well. I know that I need to get out but can’t. I know that there are things I could do to feel better but I don’t want to do them. This is one of the conundrums that we can get ourselves into.

Breaking free from this pattern is a challenge but I will have to find my oomph and do it. Otherwise I will just continue to fall into the doldrums. Not a good plan.

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Sooo…later today I will meditate, do some laundry and get to feeling productive. This will set me on the right path for the next few days. Getting going is the hard part about getting going!

Florence: not over for a long time

by worrylessjourney, posted in aggravations, anxiety, compassion, consequences, coping, danger, empathy, help, understanding

Today is the first day that I have felt somewhat normal. I developed a cold just before taking my husband to Mayo and was stuffy and miserable while there. At last I am beginning to see the light.

When we don’t feel well nothing seems right. Things that we would normally take in our stride become big hurdles to overcome. Most of the time I felt like I was sleepwalking. Feeling better is wonderful.

hurricane-florence-boardwalk-gty-jt-180913_hpMain_2_12x5_992We were blessed to have been bypassed by the last hurricane but I feel so deeply for those who are suffering through the aftermath. It is bad enough that the storm floods everything and the wind blows trees over on houses but afterwards is horrible. Days and days without power. No clean water, no lights. no place to be comfortable. When you are allowed to go home you find a damaged roof or a tree through your bedroom and the nightmare continues. The rest of the world is moving on unaware of the struggles you face.

People who are not at risk for hurricanes or tornadoes do not know that insurance companies now set the delectable on damage differently than they used to. If it is a “named” storm the deductible is a percentage of the estimated damage. Some percentages are quite high. For $30,000 damage you could pay upwards of $3,000. Sometimes much more. This can hit hard and from the storms we had some people have not been able to have their homes repaired and have done what they could on their own.

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After Florence fades from the picture most of us will continue with our lives. We must, however, remember the enormous toll those affected will be paying for a long time to come. Help where you can and pray for those left with their world changed forever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Change?

by worrylessjourney, posted in aggravations, anxiety, change, choices, control, coping, expectations, hope, life changes, perspective, stress

The last 3 or 4 months I felt as is my life was on hold. It now feels different to have my husband’s surgery behind us and move forward. In some ways I have put my life on hold. I haven’t done any mediations or scheduled any appointments. Now I want to get back to my life. There will be healing time and check ups but that can be managed.

It has been strange to plan little for myself and I miss it. I look forward to what I call “a new normal.” I have discovered that life is never consistently normal. We can go along for a while and this something changes our plans and our perspective. I have decided to call this “new normal’ and not expect to get back to the old one.

change is a process

Life is constantly changing. That is one thing we can be sure of. The trick is to learn how to deal with the changes. Also it is important to know that nothing will always stay the same. When we are young we hope for change—growing up and getting to do the adult things. When we have been adults for long enough we realize that it may not be what we imagined.

As children we don’t understand that with adulthood comes increased responsibility. We are the ones who have to make decisions about life altering things and we don’t always choose the easy path. It was a lot of fun when we weren’t the responsible one.

Change is one of the stressors that can set off anxiety and depression and we do have to learn ways to manage it. Some people love change but I am not one of them. It can be hard to let go of a calm and peaceful time and move through something that is not much fun. For me, acceptance that change is inevitable is the first step and then to imagine weathering my way through the storm. Finding any good that is in the change helps and picturing what life will be like on the other side. When change hits us suddenly it is harder to get through. If we expect it we can think our way ahead and do better.

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Change is a challenge we can win!