This has been a challenging week. On Monday I fell tripping over Crash. Flat on my back. I seemed to be ok but had muscle pain. On Friday afternoon I got extremely fast heart rate and ended up going to the emergency room. I was transferred to the heart hospital and spent the night.Diagnosis is either atrial fib or SVT. Basically there is a place where heart rate is controlled that is going awry. On Wednesday I will have a outpatient procedure that will hopefully fix the problem. Please keep me in your prayers and thoughts for a good outcome. May each of you have a blessed holiday and I will post again soon.
This morning I was thinking about what a difference there is when you lose a spouse. I can only see it from my own perspective but having been married for so long it has made me feel lost. For the first time in my life I feel completely alone.
This does not mean that I am alone. My family is wonderful and I have friends from my longtime home and caring friends and neighbors here. However, there is the sensation that I am totally alone for the first time in my life.
I have lost people in my life: parents, relatives, friends. I miss them and feel the lost connection but I never felt lost myself. With this loss there comes the severing of years of closeness. There is now no one who knows me as well as my husband. The years of memories have lost the person who held them too. No one else can relive those with me. Just the ability to say “remember when” and be understood is gone.
My grandmother, at one hundred, said there was no one who she could talk to about her past and share those memories. Now I understand.
We do grow with each experience in life. Some of the most painful produce the most change and the most empathy. Life is always teaching us. We just have to use that wisdom to reach out to others.
I have been absent for so long I feel lost. I am catching up on posts and hopefully beginning to connect again. Life has been “interesting.”
I had dinner about 2 weeks ago with someone who although vaccinated came down with the new variant. That put me into isolation. I am supposed to be out today but there seems to be conflicting opinions so ???
In spite of being confined this has been a time for reflection. I admit I have binged on TV but watched some really uplifting and helpful things. I seem to gravitate to the British/New Zealand/ Australian things. They seem to expect some intelligence of the viewer.
I am settling in and will eventually find a new lifestyle here. There are so many opportunities for fun and learning. There is a connection to the University of Texas with many chances to keep mind ad body busy.
I have to overcome the experience of living with only people who are aging like me. In some ways it reminds me of the British comedy “Waiting for God.” I have decided to think of this as a kind of college experience where I also lived with others in my age group. I will be also finding opportunities to volunteer in the “outside world.” (covid allowing)
So….life goes on. Living goes on. God is near.
Life is returning to reasonable for me. Between the medicine, that seems to be working, and God’s continued presence I seem to be coming out of the fog.
Now I will finish up anything pending and get prepared to move once again. However, this should be it….finally.
It is hard to remember what life was like before this journey began. It seems like a lifetime ago but was just a year and 1/2. Now along with everyone else I will find my way in this new world. I wish for everyone that they are able to move forward with renewed hope and some joy in the future.
The only way to do that is one day at a time, one moment at a time. I have been reading a novel (fantasy and fun) and finding some inspiring ideas and quotes that I will ponder on. One is: “We are here and now, and that is the only place we can be.” from Mrs. Perivale and the Blue Fire Crystal by Dash Hoffman. It states so clearly what we have to do. We cannot change where we are and what has happened. That is past. But we can live in the moment and be the best we can.
I hope that everyone can find a way to do that and to find some peace along the way.
I am preparing to move again. Change addresses, move my things, notify everyone necessary. I can’t believe I am having to do this again. I feel as if I am living in an alternate universe. When I think back over the last year and 1/2 it seems so unreal.
I have often thought about how quickly things can change. The song “What a difference a day makes” always seems to point to the swiftness with which life can alter. The song is talking about a change for the better but it can go either way.
This time with my daughter has been wonderful. It has been so nice to have someone with me. Being alone so much has been difficult.
I miss my life. I’ll bet most of us do. There have been so many changes. Change is fine but so many at once is overwhelming. Days of trying to adjust have left me exhausted. Now there is more change to come. Two moves almost back to back. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever end. The poor dogs have been dragged from one place to another. I know they are so confused. The female will not let me out of her sight. She is about 11 and I think she is almost deaf. I guess she can’t hear me moving around and has to have me in sight.
I am so ready for this journey for this to be settled. It has been so stressful. The final move will take me a place where there are lots of things going on and people to do things with. However, I will have my own apartment and my own space to be in. The best of both worlds.
Today I discovered that my apartment will not be ready until the middle of June. Just another setback. Since I have to move from here by May 30th I will have to move in with my daughter and her family. Everything will have to be packed and stored until I can get in. Just another aggravation and more time to wait.
Waiting is not one of my strong suits. I am so anxious to have this journey completed and I pray that it will be an end to the moving. It will be so nice to be somewhere that I can meet people and have things to do. This year+ has certainly been a trial and one I hope will not come again.
Finding a new path for all of us after this covid crisis has certainly tested everyone. God willing we will be able to gradually move forward.
Today has been one of my first special days to get through. It was my husband’s birthday. It is strange to live that day without him around. I was remembering last year when we did a party for him outside in the yard with just family and one friend. He was not well then and didn’t really enjoy it.
I am sure that this day is better for him. He didn’t cope well with being unable to do the things he loved. Even though he was able to be with family during the last months it wasn’t the same for him.
Now it is time to accept this day with joy for the time I had with him. That is what he would want.
This past week I was able to get my second covid vaccination. It is a relief. Now I have to look to moving forward. It looks as if I will be moving to the community (that we were both to move to) at the beginning of June. I am so longing to be finally settled. I have felt so disconnected.
We were also able to go to church on Sunday and that was so wonderful. I hope that before long we will actually be able to connect in a deeper way. Masks make it so difficult.
Before I move I need to donate my husband’s things. This is hard to think about but they will mean so much to those who need them. I will feel as if I am giving part of him away but he would be glad that his things can be used. This is just another step in my grieving…another move forward.
Moving my dogs into an apartment with no outside access will be a change for them but I think they will be happy wherever I am. they are very clingy.
I hope everyone had a good Easter.
I feel as if I am living back in a third world country. When we lived in Panama we couldn’t drive across the country without fear that anything we did wrong could cause us to be arrested and jailed. The police were also the army.
Now in my own country insurrection is real. And it seems that it is possible that this was incited by our own president. I am not very political but I do believe in obeying our laws and that the best form of protest is non violent.
I guess I am not as surprised as I should be since our divisions have been sending us that way. There is no way for people to agree. I used to volunteer where we tried to teach teens and even younger that there were ways to resolve differences without violence. I guess we need to focus on teaching the same things to adults.
When we ever recover from this.?