Strange apathy –missing what?

apathy1200xLately I have felt apathetic about going to church. There is no specific reason for this that I can see. Nothing is wrong with either the church I worked at or the church I am attending with my husband. They are both friendly churches that adopt members as part of the family. You always feel welcomed and loved. It makes me wonder what’s up?

I am not really sure. I have not backed away from my relationship with God. It is growing stronger than it has been in a while. When you work for a church there is always the danger that you are working more than worshiping. I know I fell into it easily.  Now I actually spend time with God. Not enough but much more than I was. My connection with God is enriched and I am grateful for that.

I do still miss greatly laying hands on people and praying for healing. This is a part of my past ministry that causes my soul to ache, It fed me in a way it is difficult to explain. I was not doing anything myself for it was God who was using my hands and my love….outpouring for others. I still tear up when I think of what it meant for me. God was physically present each moment.

My spiritual life is much more solitary and I am not a solitary person. This is a struggle for me but one that God is pushing me into. I am caught in the longing to do something more physical instead of meditative. Maybe I need to try moving meditation. (which actually is a thing) I would still want to do it with others.

connection-004I have always been aware of my need to deepen my relationship with God and at times during my life have had a deep and amazing connection. Now I need to re-connect.

So why does this translate into a lack of passion for church itself? I wish I knew. I can see clearly that stepping away is not the right choice. It is so easy to develop a pattern of staying home on Sunday morning and it becomes a habit that is hard to change. Church is also not about my feelings although for me, until now, it has frequently been an emotional boost. Church has not changed. I have and I need to spend time delving into myself to seek answers.

soul on fire1

I need an emotional boost. I need to find an amazing conference or heart rending speaker who challenges me and reignites the fire that I can’t find.

God will supply my need. I just wish he would hurry up!

An interesting hospital visit

mayoToday I am tired. My husband and I traveled to the Mayo Clinic for him to schedule a knee replacement there. His knee was originally injured at West Point playing lacrosse and then his time in the Army jumping out of airplanes didn’t help. He had a replacement 21 years ago and now it is failing.

It was interesting to go to a major medical center. It is so different from a local hospital. We stayed overnight in a hotel to make our morning appointment. The hotel is in the Mayo complex so one can assume that most people are there because of a medical issue.

People were so anxious to talk. Everywhere we were, at dinner, at breakfast, on the shuttle to the hospital people just wanted to talk…mostly about why they were there. We saw all sorts of people. Some young, some old, some in between.

I don’t know if all the people who wanted to talk were extroverts or if some introverts were included. It seemed that talking about their problems allowed them to ventilate. I am sure that most people there have major medical issues on they wouldn’t be there. Everyone seemed anxious to support each other.

Some came from foreign countries and spoke little English. The center has an international office that greets and helps them both with translations and to manage their way through the system.

We got through his appointments and will have to return for the tests the physician wants in order to determine the best course of treatment.

This is healthcare at its best. Unfortunately not everyone has access. The Mayo Clinic web site is one of the best for medical information. I have used it for years to answer questions for others. It has more educational information available than any other medical center I have looked up.

Don_t+believe+everything+you+read!If you want information on a problem please use Mayo as a resource. The information is accurate and well written. Too often people find medical answers on the web that are not good resources. Some of the things people have told me that they got from the web are really scary. Just look up

It was good to get home to very excited and loving dogs and sleep in my own bed.


Health care….do we have it?

It is amazing to me how anyone can cope with the medical system in the US. People are always telling us that we don’t want the systems other countries have but I have decided that no place is without problems.

well being

In addition to the problems created by the insurance companies (who are running it all) we also have technology creating havoc. Many physician’s offices are hiring outside tech groups to handle things that each office used to handle. I have encountered two of those systems lately.

One involved a prescription that was denied by my initial insurance company as being too new and expensive. The docs office hired a company who produce the information needed for the insurance company to approve the medicine. Previously the office had to hire extra people to create this kind of paper work. Now it is farmed out. The system itself is not unreasonable but when the patient has no idea where the rx went or who has it …not good. It disappeared into the void and only reappeared when I physically went to the office.

The second was a request for medical records for an appointment at a different facility. The docs office now has someone else managing their medical records and confusion ensued when no one knew where they were.

The system is changing so fast that no one can keep up and I think we are going to see RN’s becoming advocates for patients to surf the system.

The world over medical care is a worrisome issue. When I was a child there was no insurance for medical care and if you had no money you just didn’t get care. Now with various systems in place in some countries there is the possibility to get care if you need it. However, no system is perfect and each has road blocks to getting care.

For those of us with mental health issues the access to care has been bleak. Hopefully things are getting better and with more mental illness being linked to our physical selves there is hope that it will no longer be the step-child of health care.


Everyone should have access to good care but the world is a long way away from seeing it happen. Many poor countries have nothing. I guess those of us with any care should be grateful for what we have. May it continue to improve.

“What is Mental Health?”

This blog asks the question “what is mental health” and has a wonderful answer.

“Uncle Jay, what’s mental health?” asked 11 year old Nate.

I deepened my voice and was about to reply, “Well, son…” when I realized that I wasn’t his dad and he wasn’t “John Boy.”

And just to clarify, I’m not really his uncle. However, in Chinese culture, kids call adults who aren’t related to them as “Uncle” or “Auntie”. It’s the equivalence of calling someone Mister or Ms son-and-so. But seriously, don’t ask me why they don’t just do that because it gets terribly confusing trying to discern if the person is actually a relative or not.

Nate’s the stepson of my best friend and he’s also my son’s good friend, hence he came over to play some video games and crash at our place for the weekend.What is Mental Health_

We happened to be watching the NBA basketball playoffs between our beloved Cleveland Cavaliers (“Go Cavs!”) take on Canada’s one and…

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The middle ground

middle-groundToday I worked in the yard re-potting plants and cleaning up.  I overdid it. By the time I came in I was over-tired and over heated. I know better than this but I got going and didn’t want to stop.

It is so easy to take on more than we can manage. You say yes to one thing and then another and suddenly you are in overload. Then add to that the worries that we all carry and the things we HAVE to do and we are in serious trouble.

It is so hard to stick to the middle ground. The Greeks talked about the Golden Mean….that center place where we have done just enough. If we choose to do too little we end up with a vapid face…if we choose to much we are tired, irritable and overworked.

We face the problem that in today’s work scene many employers expect too much. Since we can be reached at almost any time on our cell phones we are seldom out of touch. We are afraid to turn the thing off because we might miss something. It’s hard to call time when a job is on the line.

balance2There is a balance and we have to try to reach it. It may not be easy but unless we do we are at risk for more anxiety and more stress. None of us need that.

Reach for that center place where peace dwells.


Just Sit !!

i just sitToday was a little strange for me. I love Easter and its wonderful gift to us but today was a little off. Again it has to do with change. Usually, at Easter, I do baskets for my two grandchildren who live near. They are adults but I still like to do it. My daughter-in-law and my grandson are both on a cruise so it seemed a little unnecessary to just do one basket. My granddaughter is in her 20’s and on her own with a good job and didn’t expect me to do anything. Time moves on and things change but it did feel odd.

Church was also different. The service was not the usual service and started with the Exultant which is beautiful but somehow I wasn’t ready for that. It is just me trying to adjust again. The service was beautiful but I wasn’t.

Once again I come up against my own failure to accept change. Change is hard but it shouldn’t be this hard. I am trying but not succeeding in feeling at peace where I am. It’s hard when you know that the problem is you and not the life around you. Maybe I am facing aging and not being in the midst of things. That also is my error for not pushing myself to get out there and do something.

just sit 2There! I have voiced my sadness and my frustration and will need to move on and find what God has in store for me. I think the hardest thing that God tells us to do is to do nothing. The plan to do mediation has been slow in coming but will get here in time. I know that things will move on. God just needs to bop me on the head and say “I told you! Just sit!”