Last week was a real roller coaster. My dogs bark and cry. They do this because they are anxious since I am the only stable thing in their lives. Crash has been somewhat anxious since we got him. With both of them being rescues they have a past that I don’t know about. Unfortunately, this has made them what they are. I understand because they have been through what I have been through.
Last Monday I was told that the dogs have to go as people have complained about their noisiness. I understand this as they have truly have been noisy. I have done some drugs with them with little success. Now I have to try something else. I am doing the only thing that I can as a last ditch effort to solve the problem. I don’t want to have to drug the dogs all day every day to calm them. At the same time something has to be done….so…tomorrow they will be going to a dog boot camp for two weeks.
This may or may not help. They are old dogs and may not be able to make big changes. They will be with very professional and caring people who will work hard to make a difference. If they don’t eat for three days they will come back. I don’t know how they will respond.
The dogs are not at long term risk as my daughter and her family will take them if they have to leave me. However, they are the last link to my former life and I will miss them terribly. I want them to be settled and not afraid. The next weeks will tell the tale.
I have been absent for so long. I went through a time when my ability to cope just seemed to fly away. There were things that happened, that although not earth shaking, removed layer of resistance and rendered me vulnerable. I experienced panic, anxiety and depression. I fell into a hole. I was unable to even think about writing much less do it.
It’s no point going into the things that set me off it is enough to realize that I am more fragile than I realized. This means that I have to take myself in hand and be more proactive practicing the things that help me stay functional. I have to more forward instead of dwelling on the past and my totally different future.
As always, this is not easy and has to be totally intentional. I had fallen into a pattern of doing needlework and watching TV. Not a total loss but I became dependent on distracting my mind and not facing things. Living this way does not foretell a future with joy and pleasure. Not everything can be wonderful but taking advantage of the chances to explore the things available is so important to both physical and mental health.
While watching a program on Prime called “Bones” a profound statement caught my attention. It is so perfect and although it applies to the past it could also be relevant to obsessing over the future.
“Pain (in our lives) is always there. The challenge is to not try to make it go away. Fighting it is the problem. We fight to try and change the past or push it away but the pain is part of who we are. (acceptance) It is not easy but nothing of value is.“
Memories are interesting things. I attended a conference by a professor from Emory a while back. She was studying how our memories can change. Over time they may not be a accurate as we think. We have seen that in people who have had to testify in court about a certain incident. Our memories are colored by many things.
In my life I have noticed that some memories are connected to outside stimuli. So many memories are brought back by music (auditory), scents and touch. These physical aspects are inextricably connected and when we hear a song or touch something soft or smell some familiar scent memories come flooding back.
There are a things that we remember specifically because they were connected to our senses…especially music. In my work as a Parish Nurse I saw that people whose memories were lost recognized familiar hymns and could sing them. They also remembered things like The Lord’s Prayer and the 23rd Psalm. All of these things were joined with emotional experiences and totally imprinted.
My mother only wore one kind of perfume..Bellodgia by Caron. Whenever I smell this perfume I not only recognize it but immediately find memories of my mother come flooding back. Some song bring back memories of my teen years and I can scarcely hear certain songs without being connected to the past.
I have no idea how accurate these memories are but I embrace them and accept them as they are. I hope I never stop finding these connections to my past.