I have not written since the middle of June. It has just been too hard. I have struggled with IBSD and grief and didn’t want to write about all my sadness and anxiety. I have moved to Longhorn Village a wonderful home for those who want to live the rest of their lives with joy and I have met so many people who live life to the fullest. It will take me time to adjust and the grief will come and go on its own schedule. Nevertheless, I am hopeful for the first time in forever.
I will be able to do stimulating mental and physical activities and it is such a relief after covid to be able to go without a mask here and shake hands. Before all this journey we have all been on with virus we would never had imagined how our world would change.
I thank God for all that has changed in my life…the good and the bad. I would have preferred to not go through some of it but I am alive getting up every morning.
It will be interesting how this “time out” for the world will be viewed in the future. The big question is has it made enough of an impact to force us to change. Change is a word that can strike terror in the hearts of many. We don’t like change. Somehow we tend to focus on what has changed and lost instead of what has been gained.
Will there be more similar problems coming? Will we learn from this about our world and take better care? Will we revert to our old way of life and finally have the next crisis be destroying the world?
I imagine that there will be some of each of these things. I pray that enough will change to make things better. It has been enlightening and joyful to see creatures not seen for decades or centuries suddenly reappearing. I hope we can keep this trend going. There is hope.
I have been off blogging for almost a week. Last week all my belongings were packed and I moved to stay with my family until my apartment is ready. For some reason this move was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I dropped into panic mode and suffered with IBSD. It took medicine and much coping to bring myself back. I am better but I have realized just how much has happened in the last year and 1/2.
I can’t say enough about how I long to be done with all of this. Will it be over soon????
Today my daughter who lives away will be here to visit. I am really looking forward to it since I have not seen her since last fall. It has been so hard not seeing all of my family since my husband’s death. The covid situation has made it hard on so many families. Funerals have not been able to do the normal things following a death. It will be nice to be able to have a proper funeral.
The covid problem seems to be easing for us here but there are places where people are facing horrible devastation from it. We need to keep them in our prayers and help where we can.
For some reason it has been very hard for me to write. It is as if my brain has gone on vacation. In some ways it worries me. Has all this stuff over the last year changed my ability to think? It is a scary thought. One that is particularly frightening one for me. I have worked with families who are suffering through family members with dementia and their pain is great. I hope as things settle I will feel more myself.
I hope that it will only be a few weeks before I more to my next destination. It will be so wonderful to feel that I can plant my feet and settle into a home. The apartment is being worked on at this time and I can move as soon as the work is done.
I have been trying to get some things cleaned up and sorted for the move. That means sorting my husband’s things and deciding what to let go and what to keep. It is going well with some moments of sadness.
Hopefully I will get back to my regular writing schedule in the near future and actually have something interesting to say.
Today was a different day. I dropped off one of my dogs early this am to have her teeth cleaned and a cyst removed from her back. I expected to pick her up about four this afternoon. It is now 7:15 and I am still waiting to get her. They had emergencies and didn’t do her stuff until 6 pm. Not what I had planned. Now I will have a dog just out of surgery and not herself to care for tonight. I love her and that is ok but this didn’t work out well. Hopefully things will work better later. New vets….just have to learn if this is the one for my pups.
Yesterday I got to visit the place that I hope to move to. Once there I will never have to move again. After all, at 80, I’ll be blessed to get to 100 with all my faculties. There is so much there. The place is connected to thee University of Texas at Austin and professors come to teach classes. Residents have set up many activities for themselves and they travel and enjoy life. I hope to never stop learning so this sounds perfect for me.
I will also be glad when we can all get back to church. I know that following all that has happened and may still be a problem life will be different but I hope that we will be able to be with other people more than we can now. (wow…long sentence…maybe needs editing)
Hope is some extraordinary spiritual grace that God gives us to control our fears, not to oust them.
I am one of the worst for worrying about things. I cross every bridge before I get to it. When something is really wrong, fear can rule my world. We shouldn’t expect all our fears to disappear. This is the real world. But by leaning on God’s grace, we can begin to hold fear in check and rely on hope.
Prayer: God, our father and mother, we turn to you as a loving parent. Help us to remember that you love us and want only the best for us. Help us to bind up fear and put it away.
Today I listened to the new presidents’ address. If you have been reading my blog for any length of time you know that I am a moderate. Dead center. I just want everyone to be able to talk without getting angry with each other.
It was refreshing to hear a coherent, logical speech. There were several phrases that impressed me but one that I liked a lot was “We will lead not merely by the example of power but by the power of our example.”
I certainly hope that this can be true. The speech had some reminders of the Gettysburg Address especially this part: “It is rather for us, the living, to stand here, we here be dedicated to the great task remaining before us — that, from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they here, gave the last full measure of devotion — that we here highly resolve these dead shall not have died in vain; that the nation, shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the people by the people for the people, shall not perish from the earth. “Abraham Lincoln
I am with Lincoln. May we return to being a civil, respectful, caring people. I hope that our whole government (no matter the party) can move forward with this focus and work to end the discord we have been living with.
I have been reading the most amazing book. It is The Choice by Dr. Edith Eva Eger. She is a psychologist and survivor of Auschwitz. For part of the book she tells her story as a lead in to the things she has learned since and how our choices frame our lives. She begins with this statement: “It took me many decades to discover that I could come at my life with a different question. Not: Why did I live? But: What is mine to do with the life I have been given?”
This is a question that I have struggled with for a long time. At 80 years of age I am not sure that I have the answers yet but I have made progress. Over the years I have realized that most of my purpose is to do this as much as I am able to help others. There are so many who have never had a chance to experience understanding and acceptance which for me are part of loving. Being present for others in a real way is important to me. Covid has made this difficult and it has been hard on me not to be physically present.
I can’t think of anything more important than to be there…present, open and accepting when needed. I wish that everyone could see love and caring as an answer to so many issues infecting our lives. Spread love, hope, kindness and acceptance. It could change everything.
Life is a wonderful thing. A journey that we don’t want to miss. In some ways it seems that we missed things this year. We have to understand that this past year was life. It definitely was different than any of us expected but it was life. For those of us who continued to experience this past year it was a time to learn. It was a time to take stock of ourselves. It was a time to test our strength. It was time to pull out the best of ourselves and live on.
Now it is time for us to take what we have learned and use the strength we have gained to face the new year. We have to make it the best we can. We have to work with what we have and move forward with love and hope.
May the new year give us the chance we have gained through the struggle of 2020 and live, live, live 2021!