Today I did the little decorating for Christmas that is possible in our small apartment. It looks nice. I still can’t get my mind around having to find gifts for those I love. I’m just not there yet. This is so unlike me. I usually have things done way in advance but then this has not be a normal year for any of us.
I am hoping that we can look toward Christmas as a new beginning. Some vaccines are due to come out soon (we hope) and maybe we will move into the new year with a new vision.
I am continuing to clean things out and today I put all of my dvd’s in a case. That eliminated the cabinets that housed them. This is the first time that I have moved any pieces of furniture. I was a small thing but for the first time I realize that we are actually planning to move away from here.
This is a major life event. This is a complete change and an acceptance that we are growing older and need to be set for the time we have left. It may be long or short but we want it filled with people to meet, things to do and new adventures. Even though we are going to move to a retirement community it is one that has people who are still living fully, having fun, exploring new things to learn and enjoying a expansive life. It is connected with a University and has much learning experiences and opportunities.
We will also be near my youngest daughter and her family whose lifestyle makes them able to be supportive and caring. Their church home is also a plus since we have visited there many times and also feel at home there. The best of all worlds.
This kind of change comes with some sadness and loss. We will be leaving long time friends, a church home, a beautiful home with an amazing view and things we love. As a Parish Nurse I have seen so many people sit in a home they love until they can no longer manage and family has to make decisions for them. This leaves everyone unhappy and we decided that it is better to make the decision for ourselves.
This cannot happen too quickly due to medical issues and the problem of covid but we know it is on the near horizon. So this will be a time of looking forward to good things and still grieving over where we have been. A time of mixed emotions.
If I don’t keep finding things to do, read, and see I will sink into boredom. I have been knitting, crocheting, cooking, reading, watching TV. I don’t want to walk since it is so hot outside but I really need the exercise. I get lots of steps caring for my husband that is one plus. I guess if I were counting steps I would be doing good.
Nevertheless it is hard not to slip into being bored. I don’t think it is because I don’t have anything to do but because I can’t do anything I want. Because of that I feel stifled. I know it is just a state of mind and I’m trying to get around it but it’s not working as well as I would like. Oh well…everyone else is in the same boat. We’re all just getting on with what we can.
It is scary to think that I am beginning to think this life is normal. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I guess I am settling into a routine.
For me, routine is always a plus. Just getting up and following a pattern makes me comfortable. I don’t know how others feel but it works for me. I go out to go to the grocery store, the pharmacy and doctors visits. Otherwise I connect with people through electronic means. I do feel the absence of personal contact as I truly believe that human physical contact is necessary to our well being.
I suspect that this time has been more challenging for those of us alone or with someone else who needs care like my husband. We seek our connections with others and that is limited. My life has changed so drastically that covid is only one aspect of the whole. I have spent months adapting to constant change and now there is some sort of consistency and I suppose that is why I feel more settled.
I hope that each of us continues to find our way through into a routine that is helpful and sustainable. I pray for those who have lost job, income, health and whatever else has struck them.
Hallelujah! My husband is home at last. He is very weak and will need time to regain strength after this more than 3 month ordeal. Things have moved with frustrating slowness but they have moved…..just like covid.
Patience is not one of my virtues but I have had to use it and will get used to it more than I ever have before.
I am getting good at this. Maybe some day it will become one of my virtues.
In the last week a dear dear person I knew died. Her life was everything we are called to be. She had a loving family and loved and cared for them every day of her life. She loved God and often wrote wonderful posts about his love and his care for her. She never lost this nearness to God even in the darkest of times.
Her name was Elaine. I first met Elaine as a Parish Nurse and her health journey would have crushed most of us early on. She was determined to live every moment of her life in spite of all the doctors who couldn’t see her going on for long. She not only went on but went on with joy. She traveled, boated, spent time with family and friends. She shared her joy with everyone and each day was one to be explored and lived. She lived! Each and every day she lived!
Now she is gone but never forgotten. Her example will remain with all of those who knew her and spur us on to live fully every moment. She has transitioned to be with the God she loved and who she knew with her whole being loved her. While those of us here are saying goodbye others are welcoming her home. Good journey Elaine.
The American Dreamis to reach a point in your life where you don't have to do anything you don't want to do and can do everything that you want to do. Jerry Reinsdorf
People have had bumper stickers that said “whoever dies with the most toys wins.” The focus for a long time has been “me first.” We idolize the rich, the famous and those whose life seems perfect to us. We think “just how I want to live.” The sad truth is that the majority of those who have that life are not living the life we think. So many of them have died of drug overdoses, committed suicide, had multiple divorces and aren’t really happy.
The people who are happy are living a different kind of life. Most of them care more about people than they do money or things. They give freely of themselves and their bounty. It doesn’t matter how much they have they will share even if it leaves them little.
Our vision of how we think we want to live is so very skewed. Wishing always to want things we don’t need, stepping on people to get what we want does not bring joy. Living a life of caring and compassion does.
This is a difficult post to write. Since my husband has been recently diagnosed with dementia our life has changed. We will learn and adapt as we go but some major changes will have to be made.
Our home is one that requires us both to be able to help with its maintenance. It is really too much for me to manage on my own. It is time to move forward and find the right environment for both of us. This will be heart wrenching and particularly hard on my husband but we need to do it now and get settled for the future.
My aunt ( who was really quirky) always said that if you do all the things you CAN do at the moment then you can stop worrying. This is my plan. We will be taking one day at a time. There are still some medical issues to be resolved and the virus hasn’t helped getting those done but we will get there. God is with us.
There have been lots of ups and downs in our life together. This is just another down to get through and look forward to the next up. On the 9th of June we will have been married 58 years. A wonderful journey.
Tomorrow will be very busy. My husband will have a “Watchman” implant (a brand new device) to prevent blood clots. A short while after he will be able to come off of blood thinners for the first time in years. That will be great as he bruises easily and is always needing major band aids for small everyday scrapes and cuts.
They will allow me to be with him and can see him following the procedure. He will spend the night and be home on Friday. Medicine just keeps advancing. Hopefully this will be a plus for him.
This getting old is aggravating but it’s better than not being here. I am thankful that we have managed this long and hope we keep moving for a while yet. We plan to.