Today has been quiet and a little depressing. I am so attached to getting out and seeing people so staying home is a challenge. Sure, there are so many thing I could be doing…laundry, house cleaning, etc. but who want to do that?
I am still fighting a stuffy head and hangover from the cold and just am not totally myself yet. I have talked about how change affects us and even though this is not for long it is unsettling. I have cabin fever.
I am comfortable at home and need my down time but an overdose can get to me. This is one of the good and bad things about knowing yourself well. I know that I need to get out but can’t. I know that there are things I could do to feel better but I don’t want to do them. This is one of the conundrums that we can get ourselves into.
Breaking free from this pattern is a challenge but I will have to find my oomph and do it. Otherwise I will just continue to fall into the doldrums. Not a good plan.
Sooo…later today I will meditate, do some laundry and get to feeling productive. This will set me on the right path for the next few days. Getting going is the hard part about getting going!
This has been a difficult week for me. I have been anxious and not feeling well. Nothing major just the usual dumps. The waiting to have my husband’s surgery done has taken its toll on me. I just can’t seem to get back to my groove.
For most of the week I have been at home by myself and that is never good for me. I am an extrovert with some introvert tendencies and though I need time alone too much can let me ruminate and that is never good. That is what has happened. Thursday we traveled to the Mayo Clinic for his pre-surgery tests and returned last night. Today I have been home and I am glad I will be out tomorrow.
It is amazing how quickly whatever bothers us can jump up and grab us. It seems to be lurking in the shadows just waiting for us to walk by. I know this can be shaken off but it is a struggle. Not writing for two days didn’t help either. Being able to express my feelings this way helps me to get a better grip.
I have been a lifetime with anxiety but it has not won. There are so many times that I have pushed it aside and just moved on. This is just another chance to do that. Each day offers a new opportunity to conquer my demons and push them back into the shadows. Tomorrow is a new day and I am ready to move on.
Today I am really sad. My mother gave me a ring of hers on my 16th birthday. It is beautiful. It’s monetary value is of no consequence to me. It’s sentimental value is enormous. Today I went to get it and put it in the jeweler cleaner and it wasn’t there. I have looked everywhere although I am sure it should have been in its normal place. One of two things has happened…either it was taken by someone who was in the house and there have been some…or I have put it somewhere unknowing and now will have to find it. I am devastated. I have only lost two pieces of real jewelry in my life and both of them were connected with my mother.
After the first loss I did mandalas (drawings done to with prayer and meditation) about it for months and the thought still hurts. Now I have another to get past. I keep reminding myself that it is just things and that people are what matter but at the moment it only helps a little. I know that this too shall pass but for now it hurts.
I can’t seem to stop my tears from falling. This is not anxiety or depression but sorrow and grief. I pray that the ring is here and will be found but I have real doubts. Life can certainly put us to the test about what is important. I promise that my faith and the people I love will get me past this but I think it is ok for the moment to grieve.
I am tired. I have realized that the tiredness is coming from the emotional roller coaster I have been on lately. When we have done physical work or completed a project we can be tired but it is a satisfying tired. It feels good. This is not that. This tired is totally enervating. It has drained me to my core.
When we are truly empathetic we experience the feelings and aura of those around us. Recently the strain that my friends have been under and the energy I have expended has taken all the oomph out of me. However I hope we are now on the upswing and that things are getting better.
Tomorrow I will be able to work in the yard. Although this is tiring it is the good kind of tired. It will produce a sense of pleasure and satisfaction. I have complained about the yard work but you can actually see the progress and that is something.
Lately I have taken little time for myself and I will address that in the coming week. I would like to see some “normal” but you never know when you will have to adjust to a “new normal.”
Finding things that bring us peace and calm are so important. Reading help me and just sitting on the porch and enjoying the outdoors. Each of us needs to find what can help when things get overwhelming. Not caring for ourselves will bring on anxiety, panic and depression. Not something we want to do.
What helps to bring you some peace and calm?
Sometimes there is nothing that you can do and it is frustrating. My great grandson is supposed to come here for his baptism. That is the plan since this is where my granddaughter was baptized. We wanted to do this before my husband’s knee surgery in September but you all know about the best laid plans. The biggest problem is the great grandmother (me). I want someone special to do the baptism but everyone I want is gone until after the surgery date. I don’t take this well. Why can’t my plans work? Is it me? Phooey!
Now I have to rethink everything and just look at what is possible. I am fighting myself since this is not what I want to do but whatever. It is always said if you want to make God laugh tell him your plans. Well…I did.
For someone who likes things to fall into place this is making me sad, frustrated and anxious. So silly but there it is. I know that there will be a plan that works and that I need to give in and make an new plan. One that I hope doesn’t make God laugh.
In the meantime I will sulk and fight my feelings but life will go on. Knowing that life is about change and that it will work out once I let go and let God.
Today I am tired. It has been a strange day. I worked in the yard this morning and came in for a shower. The phone rang and it was one of my best friends telling me that her husband died. This is not the one I have written about before but one whose husband is in his nineties and has been fading for awhile. However, I did not expect to get that call. My husband and I immediately went to her home to help where we could. Things seem to be on track there and we got back home about 3:30. I am sad and feel a loss for her and all of us. He was a wonderful man.
I decided to call and check in on the other friend whose husband has been struggling at home to improve (with much needed help) only for her to tell me they were taking him to the hospital as he was more ill. He is being admitted.
Strange day. I asked my husband, (somewhat tongue in cheek) if we could lose two of them in one day. May God grant that this doesn’t happen.
It is clear once again that we never know what will happen in a given day. There are no assurances or guarantees. We have to live each day as it comes. One of my grandmother’s favorite Bible verses was “sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.” Don’t look for more to happen. Absorb what has already happened. That will be enough.
I am grateful that I was available to be where God needed me to be today. I guess this is a reminder to me to use the gifts he has given me where he is calling me and stop griping about what I need to be doing. I think I am doing it.
These events do tweek my anxiety but I will continue to cope and be available when needed.
And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years. ——Abraham Lincoln
I read this quote today and started to wonder if I am doing anything to make those years worth something. At the moment, except for this blog, I don’t feel as if I am adding much to this world. I spend my days cleaning my home and working in the yard. I do read…sometimes something challenging but I can’t see that I am using it in any way.
Before my life was full. I taught classes at church. I wrote educational information about church history for the newsletter and did laying on of hands on Sundays for healing. I spent my life ministering to those who needed the help of a parish nurse.Today I still go to church with my husband but can’t see that I am contributing. I feel sidelined like a train car pulled off on a side track.
I have been signing up to take on mediations but would you believe every one I am scheduled for has been cancelled? Is someone trying to tell me something? I know that somewhere there is a place for me. I will just keep on and something will change. It just becomes sad and depressing.
I absolutely have nothing to complain about. My best friend is still struggling with her sick husband. He is at home with care and consumes her entire day and night. I do what I can but there is little that truly helps. Some things can’t be fixed.
So my sadness is minor compared to the things that others have to go through. I tell myself to quit moaning and get going!