So much has happened in the last few weeks that I have been unable to compose any posts. My mind has been unable to settle enough. After the week of absorbing my daughter’s breast cancer diagnosis Austin was hit by a winter storm that not only shut down power but decimated the city’s ability to provide water. My daughter’s home had power the whole time but still has no water. We are tired, thirsty and smelly. On Wednesday we moved from our apartment that had no power and only moments after getting my husband settled he died from what we believe was a heart attack. We are overwhelmed. This morning I read this poem in Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s “Prayers from Prison” and found great solace from the words of the last two verses of the poem “Joy and Sorrow.” I place them here for your reflection. I know I will read them often.
“What then is Joy? What then is Sorrow? Time alone can decide between them, when the immediate poignant happening lengthens out to continuous wearisome suffering; when the labored creeping moments of daylight slowly uncover the fullness of our disaster Sorrow’s unmistakable features. Then do most of our kind sated, if only by the monotony of unrelieved unhappiness, turn away from the drama, disillusioned, uncompassionate.
o ye mothers, and loved ones-then, ah, then comes your hour, the hour for true devotion. Then your hour comes, ye friends and brothers! Loyal hearts can change the face of Sorrow, softly encircle it with love’s most gentle unearthly radiance.”
This recent surge of covid has really been depressing. So many people are affected. This is a sad comment on how everything is going in our country. I am so sad. It seems as if there is one tragedy after another. I guess living in this country I didn’t appreciate the sadness and lack of hope experienced by those in countries that suffer famine, violence, hatred, fear and deprivation. I’m only getting a small taste of all of that but it is enough to give me a better understanding.
In reading comments from others tonight I realized that in addition to giving up my home and many “things” this change has caused me to move away from being the “matriarch.” It was always my home that some of my children came to during Christmas time. It was my table where we ate and I considered it my job to be sure that everyone had a good Christmas.
Now I seem to be in a new world. One where my role has changed and I am not sure how I feel. I miss so many things besides the obvious. I miss my volunteer work, my caring for others who I could help, my place in my local community. All of this is gone. In many ways I have lost myself.
I know that this will change and that covid has made this a problem that it would not normally be. In another time I would have been able to get out and meet people. Find places to help and volunteer and covid ahs taken that away.
This is something to ponder on and find ways to plan for something new.
This is the first night that I have attempted to write anything. Having lived for almost a month in chaos has me really drained. We are finally able to feel as if we live in our apartment. It is a very quiet and tree filled area. It is, however, much different than living in a neighborhood where everyone smiled and waved to each other. It feels emotionally cold although I am sure that is just me adjusting to a different world.
Right now it is hard. My family is mostly busy during the week with work and school even though available for help and ememrgencies if needed. It feels very lonely although in truth no different than our former home during covid. Getting out is the same and it was lonely at home too. It just feels different in a different space. I know these feelings will pass and some of it is homesickness but at the moment it makes me sad.
Sometimes waiting is so hard. All of us waiting for a vaccine and for something to change. In lots of ways putting life on hold. We have to find ways to continue to live even if in a different way.
I am holding on to that hope for now and managing.
I am sorry to have missed so many blogs and so many of you on wordpress and on facebook. I will try to get back to my former pattern so that I can reconnect.
In this week coming up to Thanksgiving in the US I will be counting my blessings and they are many. Peace, Suzanne
I hate to keep writing that days have been tough but it is the truth. Trying to divide what we want to move with us and what we do is confusing. Also, accepting that this is it finally. I have wanted it here but now that it is it is really stressful. I have been fighting anxiety and taking meds when I usually don’t need them.
Change is hard and not what we usually want. We need this and it will take a while to get things organized. So many doctors to set up for my husband and visits to them. When we get it all set up it will be a gigantic relief. We already have an appointment with an infectious disease specialist and that is the most critical one since his primary problem is the infection in his knee replacement.
At some time I will be able to think again and write about interesting topics instead of whining about my stresses. I am looking forward to that. I have also written so little on my other blog “heargodinothervoices.” my thoughts about God have been thanking him for his support with me and his continuing care.
This week will be busy so I will write when I can and know that the community will understand and support me.
Today I started looking at the process of selling my piano. My mother bought it when I was about 7 years old and the thought of parting with it is difficult but a small apartment cannot handle a baby grand piano.
I have moved it around with us from Army post to post but this is one time that it really isn’t logical. When my husband and I were first married the apartment was so small that he joked we would have to eat off the piano but we managed. The truth is I don’t play it as much as before. It is situated where I disturb anything that anyone else is doing in the house and I hate to do that.
It may not be easy to sell but I will put it out there and see what happens. Then I plan to buy a good keyboard..one that can use headphones so that I can play whenever I want with not problem.
Another step toward the future. Just one more thing to clear out of the way. I long for the time when we are settled and not just “in progress” but it will come soon enough.
Today was not a good day. I had to admit my husband to the hospital. Not with Covid 19. I pray they can get him well and out before he gets exposed to it.
At the moment they don’t know the diagnosis but he has an altered mental status. He’s just not the same. It all happened over a few days and was not getting better with meds. They will keep him and God willing he will be home soon.
Well today we have been told that this is a National Emergency. This virus has awakened people to the danger of illnesses arising that can cause major havoc. I think many have seen this coming but no one wanted to believe it. I am sure that all of us are worried and anxious about what the next weeks will bring.
I am hoping that the measures outlined today by the president and others will help this pandemic to fade quickly. Maybe it will help us to have measures in place to react more quickly.
The next while we will see some logical responses and some idiotic ones. Who would have thought there would be a run on toilet paper? I hope that everyone is covered and there will not be a toilet paper panic.
I am so sorry for those whose lives will be ripped apart by this pandemic. I hope everyone will be able to manage during this time and not be devastatingly impacted. Prayers for all those who suffer from the virus whether physically or economically.
Today our Tuesday knit/crochet/whatever group decided to knit blankets for the Humane Society. We all love animals and they need all the help they can get. We feel that we get so much joy from knitting together that we can share that joy elsewhere.
I spoke to the humane society and they are thrilled that we will do that. It is one way to pay it forward. I can’t believe the way some people treat animals.
Of course I also can’t believe the way children/adults are treated also. I guess my comprehension of how someone must think to abuse anything/anyone is something out of my understanding. I don’t even like to step on a bug and when I can I will put them outside. Where we are we get small lizards in the house and I have been known to chase all over to catch them and get them outdoors where they can thrive. It hurts my heart (actually) to think of the abuse some people/animals suffer.
Today is my 79th birthday. I was hoping that it would be a good day but my hope was in vain. While backing out of a parking place my car caught on someones bike rack and pulled loose a part of the side panel on my car.
This is my favorite car that I have ever had. It is not going to be difficult or expensive to fix as it looks as if it just needs to be popped back but it really got to me. I don’t know if it’s because I was expecting a good day or if it is because the car is my favorite.
It is not usual for me to be so upset about something like that but I am. Just one of those days.
I have talked to many times about how life is never boring and here it is again. The fact that it is not boring can be because of something good or something bad. Today it was something bad. We will get the car fixed and all will be well. Now all I have to do is get myself back to a better state of mind. By tomorrow this will just be a bump in the road. After all, for me, it is not things that are important but people. Remember that when things go wrong that can be dealt with.