Last week was a real roller coaster. My dogs bark and cry. They do this because they are anxious since I am the only stable thing in their lives. Crash has been somewhat anxious since we got him. With both of them being rescues they have a past that I don’t know about. Unfortunately, this has made them what they are. I understand because they have been through what I have been through.
Last Monday I was told that the dogs have to go as people have complained about their noisiness. I understand this as they have truly have been noisy. I have done some drugs with them with little success. Now I have to try something else. I am doing the only thing that I can as a last ditch effort to solve the problem. I don’t want to have to drug the dogs all day every day to calm them. At the same time something has to be done….so…tomorrow they will be going to a dog boot camp for two weeks.
This may or may not help. They are old dogs and may not be able to make big changes. They will be with very professional and caring people who will work hard to make a difference. If they don’t eat for three days they will come back. I don’t know how they will respond.
The dogs are not at long term risk as my daughter and her family will take them if they have to leave me. However, they are the last link to my former life and I will miss them terribly. I want them to be settled and not afraid. The next weeks will tell the tale.
I have been absent for so long. I went through a time when my ability to cope just seemed to fly away. There were things that happened, that although not earth shaking, removed layer of resistance and rendered me vulnerable. I experienced panic, anxiety and depression. I fell into a hole. I was unable to even think about writing much less do it.
It’s no point going into the things that set me off it is enough to realize that I am more fragile than I realized. This means that I have to take myself in hand and be more proactive practicing the things that help me stay functional. I have to more forward instead of dwelling on the past and my totally different future.
As always, this is not easy and has to be totally intentional. I had fallen into a pattern of doing needlework and watching TV. Not a total loss but I became dependent on distracting my mind and not facing things. Living this way does not foretell a future with joy and pleasure. Not everything can be wonderful but taking advantage of the chances to explore the things available is so important to both physical and mental health.
While watching a program on Prime called “Bones” a profound statement caught my attention. It is so perfect and although it applies to the past it could also be relevant to obsessing over the future.
“Pain (in our lives) is always there. The challenge is to not try to make it go away. Fighting it is the problem. We fight to try and change the past or push it away but the pain is part of who we are. (acceptance) It is not easy but nothing of value is.“
Everyday is blending into the next. With the rise in covid variant it seems we are back to staying in. It becomes quite depressing. However, there is nothing to do but continue on. There will be some point at which the danger will be outweighed by our need to be with others.
We are human and as such we have a long history of being “tribal.” We need the connection with people. Most of us can only be solitary for so long. Admittedly some extreme introverts can deal with it for quite a while but the rest of us need communion with others.
The incidence of depression and anxiety has risen drastically since this all started. There are discussions of a new, even more virulent covid coming next. We will need to find new ways to live. We may have to limit ourselves to a closed circle of friends. There will still be risk but life has always had risk. We just have to adapt and keep on.
It has been so long since I have written that I feel lost. I think the straw that broke the camels back fell on me. I hate to say it but I don’t remember but one other time in my life when I felt so miserable. My IBSD is out of control even though I have tried one round of medicine. I have asked for a second round. I am praying that I will not have to go through all the gastro tests to get this under control.
For those who read my blogs you know that this IBSD triggers my anxiety and panic attacks. I think that all of this is related to all that has happened but also with having a new doctor who doesn’t treat the same and doesn’t understand the meds that I need. He doesn’t want to proscribe the way that I am used to and then when I need meds he doesn’t agree with what I am asking him. He did get a letter from my previous doctor but I don’t know that it has helped.
For most of my life I have managed to stay off any meds whenever I can and don’t ask for them unless necessary. I reduce them as soon as possible but I don’t think he believes that. I will be searching for someone who will understand and hope to find one soon.
In the meantime I have such an assortment of meds that it is really crazy. I won’t go into the whole list but I have way too much of things that only help slightly and not enough of the ones I need.
Sorry for the hard post but I am frustrated and ill and need prayers and support. I want to get back to myself.
Here I go again. Tomorrow the packers come and on Friday the movers to pack the pod. It will then go into storage until I get a moving date for the new apartment. I am so tired of this but know this is the last move (God willing). It will be nice to have a place that is my own. I can’t wait. There is something about this last move that really rattled me but now that I have started any packing I have to do it is better.
So many people have been touched by covid and lives have been changed. Mine is just one of them. I would have had to do this anyway covid has just made it harder and lonelier. I will so enjoy getting to meet people and have things to do.
My only concern is my two bassets who are both very anxious. The male (Crash) is going to have to have some meds as he has always had severe anxiety. We don’t know what happened to him before we got him but it did damage him and losing my husband and all the change has exacerbated his problems. Hopefully the vet will help me get him more settled. He is such a sweet boy as is our female (Tillie).
Grief is a funny thing. Some people think it follows the pattern of acceptance by Kubler-Ross. That pattern was actually developed about acceptance of a coming death. In my mind grief is different. Having run two years of grief support group and feeling my own grief I think it is much more erratic. It comes and goes like the waves of the ocean. I am certainly feeling that. I can go along just fine and then suddenly something will trigger tears.
We can’t run away from grief. Instead we have to go through it. We have to experience it. Hiding from it or trying to deny it doesn’t work. It can take a long time. Sometimes people have no idea what to say to us when we have a loss. Some comments can be upsetting but we just have to understand that most are well meaning.
It has been and will continue to be particularly hard due to the circumstances we all find ourselves in. Covid doesn’t allow us to do normal things that help us accept a death. Funerals are done with few people or put off until later.
In my case there is also moving to another city away from longtime friends. Being with family has helped but I am not in my long-term home and things are not as usual. I reach out by phone and electronics but it is not the same. I am lonely and missing my place in things. It will get better when we can be with people but for now it is hard.
My faith helps and I find myself leaning on God for support more than usual. I guess loss makes us reach out and understand what is important to us. God is my rock that I stand on.
We all grieve in our own way and I will move through this and find new friends and people to do things with. Being able to go to church will help. Life does go on.
Today has been a little trying. It is raining hard here and 42 degrees. Not the most fun weather. Actually I prefer snow to this. The cold rain is miserable and depressing. It has caused me to feel anxious. I want to be able to get the covid vaccine as soon as possible but since we moved I don’t know exactly how to get connected to let someone know we are both over 80 and at risk. I will have to research and get info so we can get the shots.
Out house also has had no nibbles but Christmas got into the middle of it being on sale so I am hoping with the new year things will begin to change. There are so many things to worry about and I know I have to just put them out of my mind and keep on keeping on. Sometimes it is just so hard.
I also need to find something to stretch my mind. The doldrums have set in. I will have to find some books that challenge me and get reading. I also received a keyboard for Christmas since I had to let my baby grand piano go. That was as really sad since I have had it since I was 8 years old. It was a part of me. Now I do have something to play besides the guitar and need practice.
Instead of feeling sorry for myself I need to move on and explore what is out there for me. There will be some things that I can do that are fruitful during this time and I have to do them. It is too easy to sit and do nothing except crafting and I have done enough of that. Time to get going!
I hate to keep writing that days have been tough but it is the truth. Trying to divide what we want to move with us and what we do is confusing. Also, accepting that this is it finally. I have wanted it here but now that it is it is really stressful. I have been fighting anxiety and taking meds when I usually don’t need them.
Change is hard and not what we usually want. We need this and it will take a while to get things organized. So many doctors to set up for my husband and visits to them. When we get it all set up it will be a gigantic relief. We already have an appointment with an infectious disease specialist and that is the most critical one since his primary problem is the infection in his knee replacement.
At some time I will be able to think again and write about interesting topics instead of whining about my stresses. I am looking forward to that. I have also written so little on my other blog “heargodinothervoices.” my thoughts about God have been thanking him for his support with me and his continuing care.
This week will be busy so I will write when I can and know that the community will understand and support me.
Last night I had a dream about trying to cook at meal, at the last minute, for a large group of family members. It seemed to be partly my fault that it was last minute but I couldn’t find the right things to cook. It was in the kitchen I grew up in and everything was wrong. The meat was huge and had to be cut up to cook but looked like nothing I have ever seen before.
I have always had lots of odd dreams and this one was not unusual but I wondered where my mind was headed and if I could connect it with anything going on in my life. Maybe it does in some ways. I do keep trying to get things done and it seems that everything is so difficult. Nothing goes easy. That may not be that unusual but is being amplified by covid.
The frustration of the whole situation, my husband’s illness, covid and all that goes with it are getting old. I am not the only one who is feeling this way and waiting for some good news. It will come….please let me hold on until it does.
I don’t know that any of us have ever been through this kind of situation. We were not alive for the last pandemic and waiting for it to end had to be much worse. Now we will always remember this year and those who come behind us will hear us talk about what happened.
Yesterday was a milestone. We were able to take my husband out for an early dinner at an outdoor restaurant. Afterward he was exhausted but happy. I know how good it must have felt for him since he has been completely for so long. Boredom and cabin fever have hit hard since he couldn’t even get outside except on the porch. Out there it can be so hot that it is not worth it.
I am so tired of doomsayers. People are already warning about the next pandemic. Whether they are right or not is immaterial. We can’t live in constant fear. For one thing we would all suffer PTSD and go nuts. Eventually we would die out as the human race. Suicide by fear is not the way I plan to live.
I am focusing on how to live each day and appreciate what it brings. There is no other way. I have struggled most of my life about learning to live in the moment and now I am getting closer to that. I will not spend each day in fear and anxiety frittering away my time. Life is too precious for that.