Sometimes it feels as if I will never achieve some sort of normalcy in my life. I can go several days feeling well and settled and then IBSD hits me and I am back in the doldrums. I long for balance. I hope that I can find it before long. Maybe this is just the way that it will be as I continue to grow older. Maybe acceptance is the answer.
The last few days have been bad. I am having a serious attack of IBSD and that always stresses me into anxiety. In addition where I live there has been a considerable increase with the number of people who have covid and that doesn’t help. Today the dining rooms are closed and we can order food to be picked up. Not fun to have to eat alone.
I think one of the hardest things about my time is the loneliness that can’t be helped. I miss my husband who was my rock for almost 59 years. It is the emotional support that is the most difficult to lose.
I am trying to hang in there and hope that getting my rx for the med I need will bring about some change.
Today I have managed to pull myself away from the TV and tamp down my anxiety. The weather is beautiful and I intend to sit on my balcony and enjoy the fresh air. Life is always challenging and I am not the only one to freak out at times.
I have been asked to sit on a committee for Health and Wellness and I will soon find out how much importance is placed on the input of the committee and if it is worth being on. It’s like living in a very strict HOA (community with rules) and takes some time to understand how things work and how to get possible things done. The trick is to not expect the impossible. After all, funds for things are not limitless.
This is why living in a retirement community is like living in a dorm in college (bad side) or being on a cruise ship (good side). There are benefits and losses. We just have to decide what matter the most.
I seem to keep disappearing from here. I don’t really understand why it is happening. The days here seem shorter even though I am doing very little. I end up going to bed early and not thinking about writing.
The past two weeks have been different. For the first time in a long time I have been quite anxious and without access to the medicine that helped me before it is more difficult to handle. I miss my doctors and still don’t have all the specialties I need. I have pulled back into myself and just don’t do the things I really need to do.
Thank God my daughter is doing well following treatments for her breast cancer. That is a blessing.
I think I was naive to think that I would be able to transition to a different life without so much pain. I am strong but things did pile up. I know that I am much better but do tend to have episodes of feeling the loses. So many memories crop up and remind me that time has passed very quickly. It continues to do so.
I have found new friends and they are wonderful but I still miss the ones I had from 1976 to 2020. We have so many shared experiences. I will be building new memories with the ones here and that will help to fill in the blank spaces.
Life moves very quickly. We do have to cherish every moment. We have to live in the now or we miss so much.
Last week was a real roller coaster. My dogs bark and cry. They do this because they are anxious since I am the only stable thing in their lives. Crash has been somewhat anxious since we got him. With both of them being rescues they have a past that I don’t know about. Unfortunately, this has made them what they are. I understand because they have been through what I have been through.
Last Monday I was told that the dogs have to go as people have complained about their noisiness. I understand this as they have truly have been noisy. I have done some drugs with them with little success. Now I have to try something else. I am doing the only thing that I can as a last ditch effort to solve the problem. I don’t want to have to drug the dogs all day every day to calm them. At the same time something has to be done….so…tomorrow they will be going to a dog boot camp for two weeks.
This may or may not help. They are old dogs and may not be able to make big changes. They will be with very professional and caring people who will work hard to make a difference. If they don’t eat for three days they will come back. I don’t know how they will respond.
The dogs are not at long term risk as my daughter and her family will take them if they have to leave me. However, they are the last link to my former life and I will miss them terribly. I want them to be settled and not afraid. The next weeks will tell the tale.
I have been absent for so long. I went through a time when my ability to cope just seemed to fly away. There were things that happened, that although not earth shaking, removed layer of resistance and rendered me vulnerable. I experienced panic, anxiety and depression. I fell into a hole. I was unable to even think about writing much less do it.
It’s no point going into the things that set me off it is enough to realize that I am more fragile than I realized. This means that I have to take myself in hand and be more proactive practicing the things that help me stay functional. I have to more forward instead of dwelling on the past and my totally different future.
As always, this is not easy and has to be totally intentional. I had fallen into a pattern of doing needlework and watching TV. Not a total loss but I became dependent on distracting my mind and not facing things. Living this way does not foretell a future with joy and pleasure. Not everything can be wonderful but taking advantage of the chances to explore the things available is so important to both physical and mental health.
While watching a program on Prime called “Bones” a profound statement caught my attention. It is so perfect and although it applies to the past it could also be relevant to obsessing over the future.
“Pain (in our lives) is always there. The challenge is to not try to make it go away. Fighting it is the problem. We fight to try and change the past or push it away but the pain is part of who we are. (acceptance) It is not easy but nothing of value is.“
Everyday is blending into the next. With the rise in covid variant it seems we are back to staying in. It becomes quite depressing. However, there is nothing to do but continue on. There will be some point at which the danger will be outweighed by our need to be with others.
We are human and as such we have a long history of being “tribal.” We need the connection with people. Most of us can only be solitary for so long. Admittedly some extreme introverts can deal with it for quite a while but the rest of us need communion with others.
The incidence of depression and anxiety has risen drastically since this all started. There are discussions of a new, even more virulent covid coming next. We will need to find new ways to live. We may have to limit ourselves to a closed circle of friends. There will still be risk but life has always had risk. We just have to adapt and keep on.
It has been so long since I have written that I feel lost. I think the straw that broke the camels back fell on me. I hate to say it but I don’t remember but one other time in my life when I felt so miserable. My IBSD is out of control even though I have tried one round of medicine. I have asked for a second round. I am praying that I will not have to go through all the gastro tests to get this under control.
For those who read my blogs you know that this IBSD triggers my anxiety and panic attacks. I think that all of this is related to all that has happened but also with having a new doctor who doesn’t treat the same and doesn’t understand the meds that I need. He doesn’t want to proscribe the way that I am used to and then when I need meds he doesn’t agree with what I am asking him. He did get a letter from my previous doctor but I don’t know that it has helped.
For most of my life I have managed to stay off any meds whenever I can and don’t ask for them unless necessary. I reduce them as soon as possible but I don’t think he believes that. I will be searching for someone who will understand and hope to find one soon.
In the meantime I have such an assortment of meds that it is really crazy. I won’t go into the whole list but I have way too much of things that only help slightly and not enough of the ones I need.
Sorry for the hard post but I am frustrated and ill and need prayers and support. I want to get back to myself.
Here I go again. Tomorrow the packers come and on Friday the movers to pack the pod. It will then go into storage until I get a moving date for the new apartment. I am so tired of this but know this is the last move (God willing). It will be nice to have a place that is my own. I can’t wait. There is something about this last move that really rattled me but now that I have started any packing I have to do it is better.
So many people have been touched by covid and lives have been changed. Mine is just one of them. I would have had to do this anyway covid has just made it harder and lonelier. I will so enjoy getting to meet people and have things to do.
My only concern is my two bassets who are both very anxious. The male (Crash) is going to have to have some meds as he has always had severe anxiety. We don’t know what happened to him before we got him but it did damage him and losing my husband and all the change has exacerbated his problems. Hopefully the vet will help me get him more settled. He is such a sweet boy as is our female (Tillie).