Here I am again having not written for a while. I don’t know what is wrong with me. These posts are my connection to others and I have to do better.
Recently I had a really bad episode of IBSD and it threw me into the most difficult panic I have had in a longtime. If I could just get past my unreasonable fear that stems from years ago I would get whatever I could do done and find something that will help this. Things that happened in the past really can come back to haunt us. I suffered for three months without edimy (then) doctor doing anything and when I finally got to the right person I was in the hospital for three weeks. This experience left me with unreasonable fear of repetition and brings on panic.
Years later I started this blog and it has helped me through a lot. I do so much better when I can express myself and push the problem away.
On the whole I am better but once in a while it comes to haunt me. Those times are less frequent and I know that the meditation, journaling, writing here and keeping busy have made a tremendous difference.
Not finding the right church has not helped but I will keep on trying.
I guess my thought for today is never give up. Just keep going.
This has been a challenging week. On Monday I fell tripping over Crash. Flat on my back. I seemed to be ok but had muscle pain. On Friday afternoon I got extremely fast heart rate and ended up going to the emergency room. I was transferred to the heart hospital and spent the night.Diagnosis is either atrial fib or SVT. Basically there is a place where heart rate is controlled that is going awry. On Wednesday I will have a outpatient procedure that will hopefully fix the problem. Please keep me in your prayers and thoughts for a good outcome. May each of you have a blessed holiday and I will post again soon.
Music means so much to me. It can lift me up when I am down and calm me when I am anxious. I cannot live without it. I love all kinds but I have always loved the songs of John Denver. His songs speak of a better time. Music is healing.
I have not posted for so long it feels strange. I spent the last week at the Mayo Clinic with my husband whose knee problem was finally diagnosed after him dealing with the pain since February. His knee is infected with staph. He will be on intravenous antibiotics for six weeks and on oral ones for life. Surgery was done to physically remove as much infection as possible. He is recovering from all of this.
There is no answer for how this happened. We all carry staph on our skin and it can migrate through a simple cut. For him it found the weakest area of his body a settled in. It was most likely the cause of several other problems. He is now in a rehab facility for a short stay and then will be home.
It is wonderful to be home but missing him. One of my daughters is with me and it is so good to have someone to actually see and talk with.
Many changes will be coming to my life as it will to the lives of others. We will have to learn to live differently. Somehow we have to learn to respect and appreciate what we have and not dwell on what is missing. It is the only way to live.
This week has been a steady stream of doctor visits and tests. I’m afraid it will be that way until we can get answers for the leg pain that makes my husband’s life unbearable. We are making small steps forward. Xrays are on the way to the Mayo Clinic. I am afraid that it is unlikely that we will hear there is a physical problem with the implanted knee replacement. If we find that is the problem it will be related to an allergic reaction and that will take longer to prove.
If it is not that we will continue on the search for answers to make his life bearable.
When I left my job as a Parish Nurse I thought about becoming a “patient advocate” as a free service for those who need help. Now I am using those skills for my own husband. We will prevail!
Another week gone by. Funny, they all seem the same. Wait…they have been the same. Each day blends into the next. Around and around and around. The days are only different by thoughts and ideas. It is hard to know what day it is.
Why am I so lazy? So inclined to just sit and knit or crochet. It is getting something done but not with the energy I usually enjoy. Today I did some simple gardening. It was hot out and it didn’t take me long to be tired and overheated. A routine of exercises must be added to my days or I will become a painted picture attached to a chair with knitting in her hands. This is not me. Somehow the desire for more has to be re-established. Days where my sights are higher than that chair.
People around us are getting out more but they are not as at risk as we are. It is so strange to be in the “old and fragile” group, I have never thought of my self that way. My self image has been altered and I need to move back to the real me.
My husband remains in hospital without any word on a diagnosis. I have done some research on my on and have some ideas to pass on. As a nurse I do know when the information is reputable. I will just have to take one step at a time.
I have had so many calls from friends that it has given me such a boost knowing how many care. This is just a bad time to have this happen but there is nothing different to do. I will continue to attempt to talk with the physicians working with him even though so far I have not heard from a single one. This is a common problem with hospitals and doctors and I will be stronger about insisting to discover what they are thinking. The hospitals here are not yet full of covid patients and are actually functioning well so there is no excuse for no information.
Tomorrow is a new day. According to the nurse they have some labs pending so maybe some answers will come.
Placating my anxiety, depression and stress with prayer, TV and walking outdoors. I am unable to do some things as my brain is not up to par.
When nothing can be done it is necessary to accept that and do only what is possible. The prayer from AA sums it up perfectly.
God, give me grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, Courage to change the things which should be changed, and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.
There is no greater disaster in the spiritual life than to be immersed in unreality, for life is maintained and nourished in us by our vital relation with realities outside and above us.”C.S. Lewis.
Lewis is so right but not just about our spiritual life. Living in unreality is a disaster in every way. It touches us on every level. I impact our physical self. No matter our level of activity it is not the same as it was. Even how and what we eat has been impacted.
Our emotional/psychological life has been impacted. We can’t do the things we used to do. Our social interactions have been curtailed. Whether we are introverts or extroverts this is still a change. I am sure that everyone is feeling this distancing in some way. I used to be an extreme extrovert but in my latter years I am more in the middle. This change has affected me in many ways. I miss the touch of others, the face to face exchange of ideas, the fun of simple conversation. I am lonely.
Our spiritual life has most assuredly been impacted. In some ways mine has expanded in that I spend more quiet time and intense connection with God that I have in quite a while. There are not so many distractions. I miss the camaraderie of our church community in addition to the services themselves.
This time has created a different way of being. One that can either strengthen or break us. We have to maintain perspective. Though maybe months distant there will be a change. The view will be changed making us find a new path into the world as it emerges. We have the ability to blend into the new world around us and adapt and make it better.
Part of my nightly prayer from the New Zealand Prayer Book: Night Prayer says:
The night heralds the dawn.Let us look expectantly to a new day,new joys,new possibilities.
Things have been difficult here in the last few days. I hope we are on the up side. It is pretty scary to think that in the middle of covid 19 I would have to take my husband to the hospital. That is the last thing I want to do. But if that is what it takes to get him well then there is not choice. However, for now each day seems a little better but it is slow.
Today I was wondering what it must have been like the day that the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. One day there was war “over there” and suddenly it had come home. What fear and panic must have been felt by everyone. We are facing something not at all fun but it will pass long before WW2 did. They lived with it every day for years.
They were strong. They had endurance, faith and hope. We have the same things available to us. Whatever we have to do to keep on is what we will do.
I often think of Robert Frost’s poem about building a wall. He is thinking about what happens when we do this. We can wall things out and sometimes we have to do that to survive. Many victims of abuse can only manage by walling the abuse out. Some have even developed different personalities to not be present themselves. This is the extreme example.
However, we do need to be careful about walling those around us out. Usually what we need for healing begins outside of ourselves. We need others whether in the form of therapist or loving friends/family. We have to be careful not to wall out the help we need. If we are fragile it is so easy to stay inside our protective shield but this is only a temporary solution.
Try and find those who can help to pull you out from behind the wall and eventually tear it down altogether. In that place is healing.