an attitude change is necessary

I have continued to struggle with depression. I know it is related to the covid numbers here. It seems as if nothing will ever change. I know that we may not end up the way we were before but as a senior citizen I end up so warry of exposing myself.

I know that I am blessed having the basic needs of life available to me. It is just a matter of turning my perspective around. The truth is I miss people. For years I was an extreme extrovert but in the later years I am about in the middle. I realize that I need to make opportunities to connect with people. Even talking on the phone helps.

The real answer lies with me and not from external factors although they are stressful.

Are we in a dystopian novel?

Today as I was walking the dog it struck me that all of us wearing masks look like many apocalypse books I have read and films that I have seen in my life. It gave me a strange feeling. Growing up in the era when 1984, Brave New world, Animal Farm, That Hideous Strength, and the later film Soylent Green were most read and watched is strange today. I saw 1984 pass by, the fear of the millennial crisis (which never happened) and many other milestones come and go (and by the way, where is my personal flying car?).

And yet, this very morning I could see the dystopian future right in front of me. Will this virus subside or do we have many more variants coming? Will we always be the people wearing masks to protect us from each other? Will we never be able to establish physical connections with people other than those in our immediate circle? Have we so damaged the earth, our home, that there is no choice but isolation? These are frightening questions and I hope the answers do not define the future for coming generations.

Here in this country we are so divided that I question our ability to work together for the good of us all. The rest of the world is also plagued with problems from starvation, war, and fanatical religious differences, that it seems hard to imagine everyone joining together to save us all before it is too late.

Having said all of this I still have hope that somehow, someway, we will find a way to move forward and live in a world without masks, both the physical ones we don for safety and the mental/emotional ones we put on for the same reason. I pray that my grandchildren and great grandchildren will live in that world and not the one I see now.

More home-like week for Crash and I

Living where I am is beginning to feel more like home. Today I started on a project of unpacking 6 large plastic bins of yarn and sorting them into shoe box size containers according to yarn weight. When I have finished it will make finding yarn for projects so much easier. Just packed in huge bins made it impossible to have any idea what is there. That will be a big plus for me.

Austin and my Independent Living site are pretty much shut down. There is so much info that the new virus version is less troublesome but I don’t want it if I can manage to evade it. I suppose at some point all of us will have it but I’d rather not just now. My plate has been full enough for the last year and I am ready for some changes.

I hope that most of my word press friends have managed to either survive or not get covid. Hopefully in the near future the new Pfizer medicine will be available as a treatment.

My dog, Crash, is better from his bout with Kennel Cough. The only problem is getting so much medicine down him each day but that will end soon. My daughter still has Tillie and it is so much easier with one. They don’t seem to be distressed with being away from each other so I am thankful for that.

I hope this new year will bring positive changes for all of us and the whole world.

Let’s get a change!

After a series of glitches last week with my health and my dog Crash I think we are both on the road to recovery. A new year is coming and I pray that with it not just a better year for me and mine but for everyone. The last two years have certainly been hard for us. It is certainly time for everyone to have a break. For some reason I was reminded of a very old TV program called HEE HAW and a song that they sang frequently. I think that in the last two years this has felt true.

Hope is never gone

I know my life has not provided pleasant reading for quite a while. Unfortunately it has not yet changed for the better. I was terribly sick Christmas Eve I think due to medicine changes but fine on Christmas. Have been basically fine since except for the pain from the fractured vertebrae.

 Now one of my dogs is ill and I am worried. I am praying for a good prognosis. A new year is coming and I still hope for better things to come. With trust in God and faith there will be continued hope.

Challenging week

This has been a challenging week. On Monday I fell tripping over Crash. Flat on my back. I seemed to be ok but had muscle pain. On Friday afternoon I got extremely fast heart rate and ended up going to the emergency room. I was transferred to the heart hospital and spent the night.Diagnosis is either atrial fib or SVT. Basically there is a place where heart rate is controlled that is going awry. On Wednesday I will have a outpatient procedure that will hopefully fix the problem. Please keep me in your prayers and thoughts for a good outcome. May each of you have a blessed holiday and I will post again soon.

I will be better!

I haven’t written in so long that I will be surprised if anyone remembers me. I seem to function well day to day but can’t spend time thinking. TV has become my escape. I don’t like this version of me. It is up to me to change this. Choices are there I just have to choose well.

My dogs continue to worry me. One is with my daughter for a short while and the other has some health issues that concern the vet. I hope we can pin down the problem soon and that it is minor.

My basset hounds are big dogs with short legs which means that they can pull me down or trip me up easily. I fell earlier this week getting tangled with Crash. (on carpet thank goodness). No major hurt except for muscle pains. I feel blessed that it wasn’t more.

As I look back over this short post I wonder where the real me has gone. I will do better! I am determined!

Sad and anxious about my dogs

Last week was a real roller coaster. My dogs bark and cry. They do this because they are anxious since I am the only stable thing in their lives. Crash has been somewhat anxious since we got him. With both of them being rescues they have a past that I don’t know about. Unfortunately, this has made them what they are. I understand because they have been through what I have been through.

Last Monday I was told that the dogs have to go as people have complained about their noisiness. I understand this as they have truly have been noisy. I have done some drugs with them with little success. Now I have to try something else. I am doing the only thing that I can as a last ditch effort to solve the problem. I don’t want to have to drug the dogs all day every day to calm them. At the same time something has to be done….so…tomorrow they will be going to a dog boot camp for two weeks.

This may or may not help. They are old dogs and may not be able to make big changes. They will be with very professional and caring people who will work hard to make a difference. If they don’t eat for three days they will come back. I don’t know how they will respond.

The dogs are not at long term risk as my daughter and her family will take them if they have to leave me. However, they are the last link to my former life and I will miss them terribly. I want them to be settled and not afraid. The next weeks will tell the tale.

Falling down and getting up

I have been absent for so long. I went through a time when my ability to cope just seemed to fly away. There were things that happened, that although not earth shaking, removed layer of resistance and rendered me vulnerable. I experienced panic, anxiety and depression. I fell into a hole. I was unable to even think about writing much less do it.

It’s no point going into the things that set me off it is enough to realize that I am more fragile than I realized. This means that I have to take myself in hand and be more proactive practicing the things that help me stay functional. I have to more forward instead of dwelling on the past and my totally different future.

As always, this is not easy and has to be totally intentional. I had fallen into a pattern of doing needlework and watching TV. Not a total loss but I became dependent on distracting my mind and not facing things. Living this way does not foretell a future with joy and pleasure. Not everything can be wonderful but taking advantage of the chances to explore the things available is so important to both physical and mental health.

While watching a program on Prime called “Bones” a profound statement caught my attention. It is so perfect and although it applies to the past it could also be relevant to obsessing over the future.

Pain (in our lives) is always there. The challenge is to not try to make it go away. Fighting it is the problem. We fight to try and change the past or push it away but the pain is part of who we are. (acceptance) It is not easy but nothing of value is.

The parts in () are me.

Memories and our senses

Memories are interesting things. I attended a conference by a professor from Emory a while back. She was studying how our memories can change. Over time they may not be a accurate as we think. We have seen that in people who have had to testify in court about a certain incident. Our memories are colored by many things.

In my life I have noticed that some memories are connected to outside stimuli. So many memories are brought back by music (auditory), scents and touch. These physical aspects are inextricably connected and when we hear a song or touch something soft or smell some familiar scent memories come flooding back.

There are a things that we remember specifically because they were connected to our senses…especially music. In my work as a Parish Nurse I saw that people whose memories were lost recognized familiar hymns and could sing them. They also remembered things like The Lord’s Prayer and the 23rd Psalm. All of these things were joined with emotional experiences and totally imprinted.

My mother only wore one kind of perfume..Bellodgia by Caron. Whenever I smell this perfume I not only recognize it but immediately find memories of my mother come flooding back. Some song bring back memories of my teen years and I can scarcely hear certain songs without being connected to the past.

I have no idea how accurate these memories are but I embrace them and accept them as they are. I hope I never stop finding these connections to my past.