Things have been difficult here in the last few days. I hope we are on the up side. It is pretty scary to think that in the middle of covid 19 I would have to take my husband to the hospital. That is the last thing I want to do. But if that is what it takes to get him well then there is not choice. However, for now each day seems a little better but it is slow.
Today I was wondering what it must have been like the day that the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. One day there was war “over there” and suddenly it had come home. What fear and panic must have been felt by everyone. We are facing something not at all fun but it will pass long before WW2 did. They lived with it every day for years.
They were strong. They had endurance, faith and hope. We have the same things available to us. Whatever we have to do to keep on is what we will do.
There are so many projects that could be done around here.So many things that need doing. Yet some how I have lost my enthusiasm.
There is something about staying at home that has made me less likely to do the things that I should.I have been knitting and crocheting so I am doing something useful. However,There are so many other things that I could be doing.
There is so much yard work to do. My front and back porches need painting.There is housework that can be done. Why is it that I don’t want to do those things? Not having a regular schedule seems to make me lethargic.It makes it too easy to sit around and do nothing.
This is definitely not the way to be. Tomorrow I plan to get some yard work done and some other things that are stacked up at home.We are not in total and complete lock down so we can get out but plan to keep it limited because of our ages.
This is the perfect time to do some of the things we have put off don’t just sit do something !
Focused on process, our creative life rains a sense of adventure. Focused on product, the same creative life can feel foolish or barren. We inherit the obsession with product ….from our consumer-oriented society. Julia Cameron in The Artists Way
I have always wanted to paint or draw and create something. Anything I did looked terrible and so I didn’t keep on trying. I never realized that art is also a skill to be learned
and though I will not be Picasso I can make some things I enjoy. Others may not find them good but they please me.
Don’t let our culture stop you from something you enjoy.
It is so easy to think that we can’t do something. Recently I was making a baby blanket in crochet. I haven’t done that in a long time. Not a difficult task one would think….but I got a short distance into it and decided I couldn’t do it. Now it is sitting in my yarn pile waiting for me to change me mind.
Yes, it is my mind that needs changing. By becoming easily frustrated with it I decided that I couldn’t do it. I was struggling and I quit. I can’t tell you how many times I have done that with something.
The mind is an amazing thing. It can help us or hurt us. Learning to focus on that positive side can be difficult. I can finish that blanket. It may frustrate me at first but I can do it and I will.
Life can be pretty scary. The news tells us nothing good. There is anger and violence everywhere. That may explain why so many of us have anxiety. Maybe to be anxious is the right response to what is going on around us. Lately I have heard nothing but bad news. People I care about are sick and quite a few have very rare problems. Is this because we have too many people on the earth or because the earth is tired of us and wants to shake us off? Too much to think about.
The trouble with anxiety is that is grows exponentially. It starts small and you can get past it and then it begins growing like a virus and you find that it has taken over. You are no longer living life but just existing. There has to be a way beyond this. It’s understandable that any help has to be started long before the problem arises. If not it’s not strong enough to push the anxiety down. The trouble is when everything is ok we tend to ignore the fact that something has to be done beforehand. Again, we come back to persistence and determination. Just putting one foot in front of the other. We have to keep moving forward.
If anyone wonders why we use the internet to take care of things then this will help you to understand.
Today I called a Dr’s office. The first thing I got was a voice telling me that I had reached the ”Surgery Center” and to listen carefully to the options offered. The first option told me that if I was a physician to press one. The second offered to take me to the physician’s office where I could make an appointment. Ok, I pressed 2. A voice told me that my call would be answered in the order that it arrived. Fine. So I waited. Voices assured me that my call was important and that someone would be with me soon. This repetition went on for 6 minutes. Finally the phone started ringing. It seemed that someone would actually answer my call. Well…..maybe. The phone rang and rang and rang…………. I watched the clock. It had actually been ringing for 2 minutes when someone picked up.
This was not my first rodeo. I once called where I was born to get a copy of my birth certificate. That was after I discovered that the original was no longer acceptable. I called the number listed and I was given the multiple choice quiz again. I punched the number for birth certificates and got a nice lady who assured me that I could get a copy. All I had to do was mail a check with the request. I asked her for the address and was told that she didn’t have it. She couldn’t transfer me to the other department instead I had to dial in again and listen to the choices. Fine. After getting the address I had to dial in again to find out how much money to send. Each time I needed something I had to start over. It was a matter of “you can’t get there from here.”
Whenever possible I avoid calling. I email, text, chat, whatever but I don’t call unless it’s 911 for an ambulance.
Today was filled with surprises. Routine Dr visit where I learned that something that hasn’t meant much over the years may be causing some of the issues I have had lately. Will get that checked, resolved and maybe get some bonus benefits. Yea!
Again life is full of interesting things. Maybe this is the start of some things getting done. The bathroom may be finished by next week and then it’s moving everything back and enjoying. Thank goodness!
We definitely have to take one day at a time. Each day has been so different lately. One day up and the next down. Rolling with the flow is my wish but I don’t always do that well. We have to keep seeing that another day is coming with its own gifts and challenges and let the past day go. It is the only way to maintain balance.
Since Saturday I have been fighting IBSD. This is one of the worst episodes I have had. Today was a struggle. I hope tomorrow is better. I am also struggling with anxiety. It’s been a long time since this hit me this hard and I am trying to gain some perspective. Hopefully something will work.
I don’t have much else to say tonight. Not the best of days but tomorrow is a new day and I still have hope.
Sometimes we build walls around ourselves to stay safe. We wall out anything that hurts us…whether physical or mental. An extreme example of how the walls work is the patient written about called Sybil. Dividing yourself into separate people puts up walls between the root person to help her. Another example is Howard Hughes who physically walled himself in.
Our various forms of mental illness can be walls. Ways that we have adjusted to the world in order to survive. The illnesses seem negative but at some time they may have been essential. (this may not include some types of illness)
The walls are hard to pull down. They are worse than masks. Masks seem more temporary but the walls have been built with bricks and mortar. Our anxiety can cause us to retreat from the world. We only seem safe if we stay under the covers on our beds.
When we are suffering it is very difficult to pull down the walls and move out of our comfort zone. When I am anxious I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. I curl into a fetal position mentally and physically. I have erected a wall around myself.
I have been working on the things that help me to remove the wall one stone, one piece of mortar, at a time. Meditation, remembering to breathe, focusing my mind, distraction are all things that help. With persistence these tools help me to keep the wall from growing and even begin to keep sections down. Progress is happening which gives me impetus to keep on keeping on.
Don’t give up. That wall can be knocked down a little at a time. Just keep on!
This week I have been on a bread baking binge. I’m not sure why but there is something therapeutic about it. I don’t use a mixer with a dough hook so I spend time folding the dough. It feels so good in your hands and gets rid of any frustration. I continually learn how to make different and better breads.
I made sourdough with garlic and rosemary, a normal white bread and a breakfast bread with brown sugar and cinnamon on top. I won’t eat all of these but will share them with friends and neighbors.
It is a process learning what things give you satisfaction and peace. I do love baking but don’t need to be eating all of it. I am also not interested in making things to sell. I just enjoy the process.
I have been working at doing the things I need to do to maintain my peace of mind. Things happen always but we can get through if we have developed habits that help us. The past week have been trying on several levels but I am moving one.
Persistence is, for me, the most important thing. I can be such a procrastinator…putting things off and not doing what I should. It is so much easier to find something distracting…like watching the Great British Baking Show….than meditating. But if I don’t I suffer for it.
Keeping on track is so important. Keep working at it!