Balance or Acceptance

Sometimes it feels as if I will never achieve some sort of normalcy in my life. I can go several days feeling well and settled and then IBSD hits me and I am back in the doldrums. I long for balance. I hope that I can find it before long. Maybe this is just the way that it will be as I continue to grow older. Maybe acceptance is the answer.

You Never Know

There is a quote that says “if you want to make God laugh tell him your plans.” That has been true for me so many times. I thought I had most of my financial things all wrapped up and just found out today that the accountant I had doing things for me died. He was a wonderful man….joyful, kind and loved. My finances will work out but he will be missed.

Life is so uncertain. we never know what is coming next. I learned early that I am not in charge of life. It was a hard lesson but a necessary one. It is helpful to know that.

On Saturday mornings there is a meeting of the Knit Wits. This is a group who meets each week to enjoy each other, chat and like our grandmothers do hand work. One person was talking about when her father’s nursing home called to tell her he had passed away. The lady on the phone said “Your father has expired.” She replied “I didn’t know he had an expiration date.” There was silence for quite a while on the other end of the phone. I just loved that and it was my laugh for the day.

Thoughts for today

I was supposed to take a train trip across Canada with my daughter and her family starting July 19th. After taking my husband’s ashes to Savannah for burial in the middle of June I was so emotionally drained that I couldn’t go. I was also battling IBSD and didn’t They are now home and all of them got covid on the trip. Obviously I made the right choice. I am sorry to have missed the vacation but I was certainly better off to not go. Fortunately none of them were very sick.

I have found a new counselor who is really wonderful and a great match for me. She is holding me accountable for doing the things I need to do to stay well and grounded. That is what I need.

Life goes on here with covid coming and going. We all need to learn how to live in this new world.

Moving Ahead

Because of covid we had to postpone my husband’s funeral. Now we have it planned for June which is the time that my family can come. Today I sat down to plan the service. After working in churches most of my life I do know what my husband would want done. I will do my best to see that he has full military honors since that was a large portion of his life. He was a graduate of West Point and lived his life according to their motto “duty, honor, country.” I want his being put to rest to reflect his life.

You would think that this would be the hardest thing to do but it was a sort of closure to me without all the emotional baggage that day will bring. Since I am so familiar with the liturgy it is good for me to think about the words and make good decisions about how to best honor him.

This has been a good days work and one that is comforting in some ways.

an attitude change is necessary

I have continued to struggle with depression. I know it is related to the covid numbers here. It seems as if nothing will ever change. I know that we may not end up the way we were before but as a senior citizen I end up so warry of exposing myself.

I know that I am blessed having the basic needs of life available to me. It is just a matter of turning my perspective around. The truth is I miss people. For years I was an extreme extrovert but in the later years I am about in the middle. I realize that I need to make opportunities to connect with people. Even talking on the phone helps.

The real answer lies with me and not from external factors although they are stressful.

More home-like week for Crash and I

Living where I am is beginning to feel more like home. Today I started on a project of unpacking 6 large plastic bins of yarn and sorting them into shoe box size containers according to yarn weight. When I have finished it will make finding yarn for projects so much easier. Just packed in huge bins made it impossible to have any idea what is there. That will be a big plus for me.

Austin and my Independent Living site are pretty much shut down. There is so much info that the new virus version is less troublesome but I don’t want it if I can manage to evade it. I suppose at some point all of us will have it but I’d rather not just now. My plate has been full enough for the last year and I am ready for some changes.

I hope that most of my word press friends have managed to either survive or not get covid. Hopefully in the near future the new Pfizer medicine will be available as a treatment.

My dog, Crash, is better from his bout with Kennel Cough. The only problem is getting so much medicine down him each day but that will end soon. My daughter still has Tillie and it is so much easier with one. They don’t seem to be distressed with being away from each other so I am thankful for that.

I hope this new year will bring positive changes for all of us and the whole world.

Too much stuff

We have too much stuff! Traveling just 15 minutes on the highway recently I saw 7 large places for people to store their excess “stuff.” One of them has spaces that people can buy. They actually will own a storage space. We have so much we have no where to put it.

I have never used a storage space and managed to cram all my excess into the attic or closets. I seldom climbed into the attic to check on what was there. The majority of things up there were things I didn’t need but was just reluctant to get rid of. I wonder how often people who have things in a storage facility visit the place. I am sure that there are people who no longer have any idea of what it squirreled away.

There are times when such a space is needed but I bet those are in the minority. I wonder why we find it so hard to divest ourselves of excess. I know that I tend to think that I just might need “it” in the future. If that was really the case it would be ok but usually I never needed “it” again.

Now I have downsized from my longtime home to a small apartment. In order to keep things neat there has to be a place for everything. Keeping things in place means there can be no excess. I don’t intend to have any extra storage space so I had to get rid of anything not really important to me. I many ways it was freeing. There are things that I miss but not so much that I would change anything.

Living goes on

I have been absent for so long I feel lost. I am catching up on posts and hopefully beginning to connect again. Life has been “interesting.”

I had dinner about 2 weeks ago with someone who although vaccinated came down with the new variant. That put me into isolation. I am supposed to be out today but there seems to be conflicting opinions so ???

In spite of being confined this has been a time for reflection. I admit I have binged on TV but watched some really uplifting and helpful things. I seem to gravitate to the British/New Zealand/ Australian things. They seem to expect some intelligence of the viewer.

I am settling in and will eventually find a new lifestyle here. There are so many opportunities for fun and learning. There is a connection to the University of Texas with many chances to keep mind ad body busy.

I have to overcome the experience of living with only people who are aging like me. In some ways it reminds me of the British comedy “Waiting for God.” I have decided to think of this as a kind of college experience where I also lived with others in my age group. I will be also finding opportunities to volunteer in the “outside world.” (covid allowing)

So….life goes on. Living goes on. God is near.

Keep moving on

It would be so easy in the midst of all that has been going on to be afraid but fear doesn’t help. Fear merely increases our adrenaline and does bad things to our body. Unless we truly need the fight or flight response it doesn’t help us. It is so easy to be afraid of covid, afraid of the riots and insurrection. There are many things that can make us afraid. Many times we are afraid of things that scared us as children. For some reason I hate spiders. I don’t know why but there is probably something in the past. Fear is a necessary part of our make up. It can save us when we are in danger but we have to learn to see when it is hurting us.

The things that frighten us don’t have to be real. Many of us experience fear/anxiety for a multitude of reasons. The more we learn ways to use tools that help us the better we become. Fear can stop us from doing things that we need to do or things that we really would love doing. Learning to cope each day, each moment is the goal. We just have to keep moving on.

Becoming

This journey that we have been on for the last year has changed me in many ways. I have felt myself stretching and discovering. I have had to learn things I needed to know since my husband could not longer help. I have been blessed that I managed the finances (mostly) all along so that was something I didn’t have to struggle with.

When you have been living with someone as long as we have you develop patterns and really become unaware of how much you depend on the other person and the things they do. I have learned to be so grateful for the things my husband has done over the years and truly miss his help although he is now able to help some.

still becoming

All of our lives we are people in transition. We are growing, learning and hopefully gaining wisdom. I was raised in a family that taught that people are more important than things and our home has always been open to others both as a refuge and a fun place to be. We have nurtured many over the years and hope to continue to do so. Our hearts have always been open to love those around us and that will also continue.

Our journey is continuing and will until we leave this earth and maybe even after. My husband and I are still “becoming.”