The journey continues

What do we do when life changes drastically? How do we learn to live differently? I am still figuring that out. Each day is a new way of thinking a new way of being. I haven’t entirely found myself in this new reality.

I have talked many times with others who have experienced something similar to my journey. They have the same feelings, the same questions, the same puzzling ups and downs. One day everything is so easy and the next is a struggle.

I know that there will be a time when I will know I have found myself. I will find myself whole and not living in several worlds.


Life is a journey and is always new. It is time to embrace it.

Just life

I have been absent for so long that I feel guilty. The life that I live now is so different than before. There are many good things that I do. I swim three times a week and it feels so good. I will be able to do that all year as the pool is inside.

There are so many different people here. It was founded by graduates of the University of Texas and we have lots of retirees who taught or held other jobs at the University. There are so many smart people who have held amazing jobs and traveled the world.
Sometimes I feel inadequate and provincial. However it is exciting to talk with those who have had such interesting lives.

I am still playing guitar in the band badly but no one notices. It is just a fun thing to do.

I still spend too much time reading or watching TV. I actually miss working in the yard. There was something therapeutic about it. I had such a sense of accomplishment.

Most days are good and I have new friends who are wonderful but there are times when the huge change in my life still overwhelms me.

My dog, Crash, is still with me and shares his love with me every day. I am so grateful for him.

I’m just resting my eyes

I am trying to get on a schedule with writing. I need it and miss all the connections I have made in the 5? years that I have been doing this. I want to keep in touch.

Accentuate the Positive

It’s time for me to think about the blessings in my life. I have lived 81 years with lots of love and caring both me for others and others for me. I was blessed by wonderful parents and grew up feeling safe and loved. In today’s world not many can say that.

I am living in a place that will keep me safe and secure for the rest of my days. Not many people can say that. I have so much to be thankful for.

It is so easy to get in the habit of dealing with the negatives in our lives and not spend any time think about what is good. We all have heard that we should concentrate daily on the good things but we let the bad take over.

I want to begin anew my “worry less journey” learning to be grateful each day. The down times may try to pull me away but I will find ways to let it go.

This very old song sums up my thoughts. (Johnny Mercer was a native from where I lived.. Savannah Ga)

Indulge yourself

Sometimes the simplest things help us more than anything. Last week I did something that made me feel happy. I had my nails done. A very small thing but I haven’t done this in several years. I didn’t have to do it but it made me feel spoiled and happy. This is not something that I will do all the time but this simple thing was important. My mood lightened and I felt so good about it.

There are many times where doing something just for ourselves can make a big difference. Take the time to recognize when you need to treat yourself…whether is it a bubble bath, a walk in the woods, or visiting a friend. It can make a huge difference!

Today’s journey

O to be so relaxed!

I met today with a new therapist and am so encouraged by our connection and her understanding. Things will get better. I will continue to believe that.

I continue my struggle with IBSD but I am reaching out for a doctor as I don’t have a gastro one here. I realize that I also am missing all the doctors I had before. I must find new ones.

We are currently sheltering from the new covid strain and quite a few people here have been sick. We all wanted so much to see things as normal and that is not happening. It can be so tiresome and depressing.

Crash and I remain here working through each day. He is my companion and solace.

Grief Encompassed Me

Since coming back from my husband’s funeral in June things seemed ok. I was preparing to travel with my daughter’s family on a trip to Canada. I became more and more anxious and time ticked away and a week before the trip had a melt down. I had been crying daily and getting more and more upset.My anxiety had reached a level where I knew I had to do something. Discussion with my doctor’s Nurse Practitioner helped me to see that I wasn’t ready or able to take that trip. Fortunately my daughter had wisely taken out insurance that allowed anyone to cancel for any reason. She completely understood my decision. The minute my decision was made a weight was lifted.

I was really unaware that I would be so affected by the trip to Savannah with the funeral, visiting the city and seeing friends. After his death over 14 months ago I had no idea that it would cause me to react so strongly. I should have remembered that we were together for over 58 years.

Not like “Waiting for God”

They used to say that nothing stays the same but death and taxes. I have decided that as right as this is something supersedes these and it is change. Change is always with us. It comes when planned and when unexpected but it always comes.

Since fall of 2020 my life has been the perfect example of change. With two moves, losing my husband and my home (had to sell when moving), living in a completely different state(one that acts as if it is its own country) and living in an Independent Living Retirement place, change has become normal. I just expect it and keep going.

Living with others who have retired and seeing mostly grey hair around me has been interesting, challenging, disturbing and comforting. There is sometimes the feeling of living in the British comedy “Waiting for God.” It can be hard to accept living where (supposedly) you know you will die. You have to develop a different mind set.

In some ways it it like living in a college dorm. As a community, there are rules that must protect us all somewhat like those in a HOA setting. For those who have been independent and masters of their own choices it can be frustrating.

Those are some of the negatives. It is wonderful, however, to have 3 restaurants on site and cook only if you want to. It is so good to have conversations with people who remember the things you do and understand your references to events and people of the past. (Some young people are so clueless it make me wonder what is being taught in school.) It’s a miracle to have my apartment cleaned once a week.

Soooo, although life has been challenging with lots of changes, it has also been interesting, stimulating, and life enhancing. There are so many things to do. We are connected to the University of Texas and can attend things there as we want. Events and activities are fun and improve minds and bodies. Life is good. You just have to reach out a grab it.

and life goes on

I’m feeling more comfortable where I am but life keeps giving me lemons and not letting me make lemonade out of them. Now I am dealing with some medical issues that will most likely be fine but still have to be dealt with.

That is the important thing. I’m grateful to be alive. At my age life will continue to be a challenge but I’m still here and I will love and grow and learn and change until my days are done.

Moving Ahead

Because of covid we had to postpone my husband’s funeral. Now we have it planned for June which is the time that my family can come. Today I sat down to plan the service. After working in churches most of my life I do know what my husband would want done. I will do my best to see that he has full military honors since that was a large portion of his life. He was a graduate of West Point and lived his life according to their motto “duty, honor, country.” I want his being put to rest to reflect his life.

You would think that this would be the hardest thing to do but it was a sort of closure to me without all the emotional baggage that day will bring. Since I am so familiar with the liturgy it is good for me to think about the words and make good decisions about how to best honor him.

This has been a good days work and one that is comforting in some ways.

Thoughts for the day

I seem to keep disappearing from here. I don’t really understand why it is happening. The days here seem shorter even though I am doing very little. I end up going to bed early and not thinking about writing.

The past two weeks have been different. For the first time in a long time I have been quite anxious and without access to the medicine that helped me before it is more difficult to handle. I miss my doctors and still don’t have all the specialties I need. I have pulled back into myself and just don’t do the things I really need to do.

Thank God my daughter is doing well following treatments for her breast cancer. That is a blessing.

I think I was naive to think that I would be able to transition to a different life without so much pain. I am strong but things did pile up. I know that I am much better but do tend to have episodes of feeling the loses. So many memories crop up and remind me that time has passed very quickly. It continues to do so.

I have found new friends and they are wonderful but I still miss the ones I had from 1976 to 2020. We have so many shared experiences. I will be building new memories with the ones here and that will help to fill in the blank spaces.

Life moves very quickly. We do have to cherish every moment. We have to live in the now or we miss so much.