Today I am trying a new way of scheduling my time. What I have been doing isn’t working. I have been spending too much time on meaningless things and not giving myself time to do the things that feed my soul.
In the last few days I realized what was holding me back. When I was living in my old home I did not have to spend much time managing the dogs. Now it is different. In an apartment I have to take Crash out at least three times a day. It’s not that it is bad but my pattern for years was different. I now have to establish a new pattern for my days and let that send me into a better lifestyle.
Now, back on my desktop computer and not fighting to hold the laptop (sitting in a lounge chair) it is so much easier to write and to think.
Thank you, my WordPress family for putting up with me over this long haul to a new pattern and hopefully a richer way of being.
There is a quote that says “if you want to make God laugh tell him your plans.” That has been true for me so many times. I thought I had most of my financial things all wrapped up and just found out today that the accountant I had doing things for me died. He was a wonderful man….joyful, kind and loved. My finances will work out but he will be missed.
Life is so uncertain. we never know what is coming next. I learned early that I am not in charge of life. It was a hard lesson but a necessary one. It is helpful to know that.
On Saturday mornings there is a meeting of the Knit Wits. This is a group who meets each week to enjoy each other, chat and like our grandmothers do hand work. One person was talking about when her father’s nursing home called to tell her he had passed away. The lady on the phone said “Your father has expired.” She replied “I didn’t know he had an expiration date.” There was silence for quite a while on the other end of the phone. I just loved that and it was my laugh for the day.
This week has been a steady stream of doctor visits and tests. I’m afraid it will be that way until we can get answers for the leg pain that makes my husband’s life unbearable. We are making small steps forward. Xrays are on the way to the Mayo Clinic. I am afraid that it is unlikely that we will hear there is a physical problem with the implanted knee replacement. If we find that is the problem it will be related to an allergic reaction and that will take longer to prove.
If it is not that we will continue on the search for answers to make his life bearable.
When I left my job as a Parish Nurse I thought about becoming a “patient advocate” as a free service for those who need help. Now I am using those skills for my own husband. We will prevail!
I was reading through my Quote Book (yes, I keep my favorite quotes in a journal) and starte thinking about this one.
In a time of universal deceit telling the truth is a revolutionary act. George Orwell
What an amazing and true statement. I feel that we are living that right now. How much of what we hear is truth. Instead it is someone’s version of the truth. There is a big difference between those two things. When I was teaching a high school at the church one of the things I stressed was seeking truth…looking at all sides and any information available and making your own decision. Too little of that is done today. Most of what we hear could actually be classified as rumors.
It is important to teach our young people how to make assessments based on many sources before coming to any conclusion. There are too many talking heads and I am sure that there are no statesmen left…only politicians. That comparison can apply to any source from religion to politics to anything else. We must filter our information.
Sometimes the things that we think of as awful trials turn out to be a good thing. This virus has caused me to be at home. If I were able to go out I would feel trapped staying here with my husband every day. I would have to have someone in occasionally to be with him. Most of the time everything is fine but we never know when he will not be himself.
So this staying at home has been a blessing. Someone might call it a “left handed blessing” but a blessing none the less. As we are able to discover what is causing this up and down problem things may resolve. If not I will find options to functions as needed. We still have several doctors to see and answers to seek to help define our options.
So aggravating as this crisis has been it has, for me, been a time to share with my love however he might be. That’s all that matters.
Every day is different. Today was a better than good day. That’s the way life is. You never know what is coming next. It is the uncertainty that gets us.
Not knowing answers to problems is the thing that is hard to take. I don’t think anyone likes it. When we can see the path in front of us life seems so much easier. We just want someone to turn the lights on the path so we can see ahead.
However, there are so many times in life when that is not possible. No matter what we always live without knowing what is ahead. The difference is we think that we do. We can see the day ahead with all its plans and we think that is what will happen. the truth is there are no guarantees. It’s funny how we perceive that we have control but really don’t. It is an important lesson learned when we realize that.
I was in college when the great era of folk songs came about. I have always loved folk songs. I learned them early from a 4th grade teacher who played an autoharp and taught us to sing many of them. I love that they tell a story about the life of the people during whatever era they lived in.
In the late 1950″s and early 60’s they became popular and so many of the ones I had learned were sung by the famous groups of the day. The Kingston Trio, Peter, Paul and Mary, Joan Baez, The Limelighters, Pete Seeger, The Mamas and the Papas…I could go on and on. Many new songs were written about what was going on at the time.
I find it sad that the problems they highlighted in the world are still there. Maybe we should listen to them again and really hear the message.
I feel awful about not posting yesterday. I lost the day. The night before I had what I think was food poisoning. I was fine by morning but exhausted. I was feeling sorry for myself. Here without my husband and feeling miserable. Later that day one of my friends called and her sister’s husband caught the virus while traveling and died at 44 years old. His wife, working as a nurse, had damage from a tornado that struck their neighborhood. Her sister cannot have her husband transported home or have a glimpse of him. He died with none of his family around. There are so many people who have more crisis than anyone should have to bear. It certainly put my life into perspective.
Each of us has our own problems. Even though we can see catastrophic things happen to others the feelings we have are still valid. Our own problems bring forth emotions that we have to learn to deal with. We may not have things wrong that seem more devastating than others but our own tragedies are ours. We have to absorb the emotions. We have to deal with the issues. They are important. They are ours.
As each of us move through the things that cause us grief and pain we will learn things that we can use to help others when this is all over. Our experiences will help us gain new insights, new skills, and new ways to cope. We will have much to teach others. Lots to share with those who come after us.
This crisis is hard but we can learn from it and share what we have learned with generations that come.
I wish that this quiet time away from the busy world was one that I could enjoy but not to be. My husband is still in care. He’s physically all right but still not mentally well. He is better. It is just so hard not knowing how this will all come out.
I don’t know if I will have the man I knew or someone else. Things will work out but the uncertainty of it all is harrowing. At this point the virus is of less concern to me. During this time not only has the world outside of my own surroundings changed but also inside my circle. Many people are caught in this. I am not the only one struggling. Some have more grievous things to bear.
I seem to do really well for a while and then I falter. I suppose this will continue until there are some answers forthcoming. Waiting has never been my strong suit. I am certainly learning to endure patience.
It will be different for us when we come out of this. I pray there will not be another pandemic coming any time soon and that we can be better prepared. Everyone is blaming everyone else the world over but I remember hearing some words of Pope Francis pointing out that if we all blame someone else them we have to accept that all of us are to blame. There are certainly judgement errors aplenty to share.
We must change. We must understand the nature of the damage we have done to the earth. Soon it will be too late and we must live with the guilt about what we are leaving our great grandchildren. We have to learn to live together over the whole world or there is no hope.
I don’t remember if I wrote about this before but here are some excerpts from something written by C.S. Lewis many years ago that ring true today.
He was talking about an atomic age and asked how can we live with this?
“Why, as you would have lived in the sixteenth century when the plague visited London almost every year, or as you would have lived in a Viking age when raiders from Scandinavia might land and cut your throat any night; or indeed, as you are already living in an age of cancer, an age of syphilis, an age of paralysis, an age of air raids, an age of railway accidents, an age of motor accidents.”
It is perfectly ridiculous to go about whimpering and drawing long faces because …*something new*…. have added one more chance of painful and premature death to a world which already bristled with such chances and in which death itself was not a chance at all, but a certainty.
This is the first point to be made: and the first action to be taken is to pull ourselves together.…. *the world we have now should*…… find us doing sensible and human things—praying, working, teaching, reading, listening to music, bathing the children, playing tennis, chatting to our friends over a pint and a game of darts—not huddled together like frightened sheep….. *He goes on to say that nothing should forever change our minds.*
We are people still with ideas, hopes and dreams. Those thing may have changed their form but there will be more. New dreams, new ideas that we can hang our hope on. This feels as if it will last forever but even if it did we are still us. We are still alive and until we are all gone from this earth there is hope.