Another day is fading into night. It reminds me of the “gloaming” and I love the image. I continue to move ahead each day trusting that my path will unfold before me. I still struggle to stop worrying about what tomorrow will bring. Both my husband and my mother frequently chastised me to not let the future ruin the present. They were both so good at living in the day. May I too learn to do the same.
They used to say that nothing stays the same but death and taxes. I have decided that as right as this is something supersedes these and it is change. Change is always with us. It comes when planned and when unexpected but it always comes.
Since fall of 2020 my life has been the perfect example of change. With two moves, losing my husband and my home (had to sell when moving), living in a completely different state(one that acts as if it is its own country) and living in an Independent Living Retirement place, change has become normal. I just expect it and keep going.
Living with others who have retired and seeing mostly grey hair around me has been interesting, challenging, disturbing and comforting. There is sometimes the feeling of living in the British comedy “Waiting for God.” It can be hard to accept living where (supposedly) you know you will die. You have to develop a different mind set.
In some ways it it like living in a college dorm. As a community, there are rules that must protect us all somewhat like those in a HOA setting. For those who have been independent and masters of their own choices it can be frustrating.
Those are some of the negatives. It is wonderful, however, to have 3 restaurants on site and cook only if you want to. It is so good to have conversations with people who remember the things you do and understand your references to events and people of the past. (Some young people are so clueless it make me wonder what is being taught in school.) It’s a miracle to have my apartment cleaned once a week.
Soooo, although life has been challenging with lots of changes, it has also been interesting, stimulating, and life enhancing. There are so many things to do. We are connected to the University of Texas and can attend things there as we want. Events and activities are fun and improve minds and bodies. Life is good. You just have to reach out a grab it.
Life is a wonderful thing. A journey that we don’t want to miss. In some ways it seems that we missed things this year. We have to understand that this past year was life. It definitely was different than any of us expected but it was life. For those of us who continued to experience this past year it was a time to learn. It was a time to take stock of ourselves. It was a time to test our strength. It was time to pull out the best of ourselves and live on.
Now it is time for us to take what we have learned and use the strength we have gained to face the new year. We have to make it the best we can. We have to work with what we have and move forward with love and hope.
May the new year give us the chance we have gained through the struggle of 2020 and live, live, live 2021!
I have had an epiphany (a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience. ) I don’t really know why but something has shifted in my thinking. I suppose it is that we have been living this careful, isolated and distanced life for long enough that it now feels different.
I still want it to be changed but I have accepted what is and have settled into it. Unlike some people this acceptance will not change what I am doing but is a mental shift that will make this way of life more acceptable. Change has happened in me. Certainly nothing around me has changed and probably won’t for quite a while. We are still at risk and there remains some anxiety over the potential for a severe illness but that has settled into just living it.
I have found an odd and strange peace. I still can’t wait to have some other form of living back but for now I will be living.
Yesterday was a milestone. We were able to take my husband out for an early dinner at an outdoor restaurant. Afterward he was exhausted but happy. I know how good it must have felt for him since he has been completely for so long. Boredom and cabin fever have hit hard since he couldn’t even get outside except on the porch. Out there it can be so hot that it is not worth it.
I am so tired of doomsayers. People are already warning about the next pandemic. Whether they are right or not is immaterial. We can’t live in constant fear. For one thing we would all suffer PTSD and go nuts. Eventually we would die out as the human race. Suicide by fear is not the way I plan to live.
I am focusing on how to live each day and appreciate what it brings. There is no other way. I have struggled most of my life about learning to live in the moment and now I am getting closer to that. I will not spend each day in fear and anxiety frittering away my time. Life is too precious for that.
Tomorrow will be very busy. My husband will have a “Watchman” implant (a brand new device) to prevent blood clots. A short while after he will be able to come off of blood thinners for the first time in years. That will be great as he bruises easily and is always needing major band aids for small everyday scrapes and cuts.
They will allow me to be with him and can see him following the procedure. He will spend the night and be home on Friday. Medicine just keeps advancing. Hopefully this will be a plus for him.
This getting old is aggravating but it’s better than not being here. I am thankful that we have managed this long and hope we keep moving for a while yet. We plan to.
I have this quote hanging where I can see it when at my desk. It is so powerful. There is always so much that we don’t or can’t understand and we can chew on it over and over. Rilke says that we have to let it go and gradually we will be able to live into the answers.
If we persist chewing on them we can’t move forward. We have to LIVE today. We can’t be obsessing over things we don’t understand. Let it go.
Today another Word Press blogger wrote about the state of our country. This is a great article from https://earthwalkingworld.wordpress.com/2019/10/24/unworthy-america/
The article and some comments started me thinking about how we should live our later years. I am of the opinion that we should not sit down and let everything pass us by. We have much to give and we have to speak out. This country and the world need to hear our voices and see that there are other ways. This whole thought process reminded me of this poem. It is my mantra!
Do no go gentle into that good night
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
My life is my message. Mahatma Gandhi
Isn’t this the perfect way to be! His life was his message. So was the life of Martin Luther King Jr., Martin Luther, Mother Theresa and many others. We don’t have to end up being famous but wouldn’t you love someone to put that on your tombstone. I would!!
It is so easy to forget that today…this moment….is all we have. The sky could fall on me right now and it would be all over. Yet, I can spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about tomorrow.
Those of us who are troubled with anxiety are so good at worrying about things which usually don’t happen. I tend to pick the worse case scenario and obsess about it. So silly.
It is time to throw off the shackles of worry and enjoy each moment of life that is given to us. Tomorrow may never come and if it does then that when I’ll think about it.
worry-less-journey 