Today has not been the best day. I am sad. At the moment explaining why would take too long. This sadness will fade but my heart is sore. I will tuck this sadness away and look at it later and decide how to manage it. That is like Scarlett O’Hara saying “I’ll think about it tomorrow.” I am putting it aside for today but sometimes you just need a day to let the emotion sit.
Looking over some of my original posts reminds me to take stock of how I am doing on my journey. Changing ourselves is one of the hardest things that we can do. We have to begin the change and then repeat it util it becomes habit. Not so easy.
We struggle with the habits that are ingrained from years of practice. Once we begin trying to change it is so easy to fall back into the old routine. Since I began this journey I have made some positive changes that have stuck and some that have not.
My task now it to evaluate and decide if the things I haven’t changed are still relevant. If so it is time to tackle them. I find it easier to make small changes that lead me to the bigger one.
I have not been meditating as I should and this is one I will tackle with intent. Why should I consider 5 or 10 minutes out of my day as a problem. From there I hope to grow back into a routine discarded years ago and see the result of spending time in “neutral.” As I said once before my long ago yoga instructor said when we are awake we are in forward gear, asleep in reverse and in meditation in neutral. Routinely meditating brought me calm and a sense of connection to the universe. I want to regain that.
Changing is hard and not for sissies. I won’t give up but keep on keeping on.
May you each have a serene weekend.
When I look back over my life I wonder what things I have not done because of thinking I couldn’t. I grew up caring greatly what other people thought. I don’t like conflict and would back away from things to avoid it. I always wanted peace and was the mediator in my family. I was afraid to make waves.
The funny thing is that in some ways I was an independent thinker. In my teen years everyone smoked. I didn’t. I took a stand about getting drunk ( although I would take a drink.) I never took drugs. I didn’t like feeling out of control.
However, those were things I did for myself. I never confronted others about their ideas. I just faded into the background. I was an only child and had trouble relating to those my own age. My primary experience was with adults. I found good friends in high school and in college where I finally felt I belonged.
I was not one to take risks. There are some risks I regret not facing. I always wanted to learn to paint but never tried since I assumed I couldn’t be best at it. My father encouraged me to try things and I never really stepped out of my comfort zone until I was married.
Now I will try anything. (maybe not skydiving..I watched my husband jump with the military for years although I have been on some planes I would rather have jumped out of.) I am not afraid to speak my mind and disagree when I want. I don’t care as much about the opinion of others and am unafraid to rock the boat. I still don’t like conflict but am unafraid to speak up rather than hide.
I am sorry it took me so many years to get to this point. Each of us is the only person who can hold us back. I am loving who I am now and having a great time exploring anything I want. Don’t wait to try things. There is no disgrace in failing. That’s how we learn.
Years ago I had recordings by Tom Lehrer. His satiric songs always struck a chord with me. Some of them are funny but some so prophetic they are scary. The words are from the past but the idea remains. (I’m sorry to say) They would not be politically correct today but unfortunately possible. It is a reminder to us to learn to live in a world without hatred.
Birth – Death
Safe in the womb
the pressure rises
forcing us out
There is life now
there is no escape
no way out
When do we know
When do we understand
life is a journey
a journey
that only ends
in death
if only
I could remember
the journey into life
I know that
the journey into death
will be the same
Will I be as
reluctant
to face death
As that infant
in the womb
facing life
If I think I have serious problems all I have to do is to look around me. I know that all of us have problems but there sure are some I wouldn’t want to have. One friend has a child with a brain tumor, another friend has had 2 recurrent brain tumors, I can look around me and there are people in pain with things unimaginable.
I need to remember to be grateful. Maybe I need to start saying: thank you that I don’t have a brain tumor, thank you that my children, grandchildren and great grandchild are well. Thank you that I am not in a wheel chair. Thank you that I have a home to live in. Thank you that I have food to eat.
I could spend the rest of the day listing the things that are a gift. I don’t need to be saying “poor me” and feeling bad.
Focusing on the good things makes life a lot more joyous. Gratitude helps us. Sometimes we are sad that some of our own problems are difficult and it is ok to understand that but it is not ok to dwell on it. It doesn’t help.
Find some way to keep track of the good things and focus on them.
I have been overwhelmed lately by my friends crises. When I think about the things that others are facing tears come to my eyes. If only we could fix whatever we wanted. Sadly, life is not that way.
As we get older we have to face the reality of others traveling with us are also aging. With age come health issues. We cannot live forever. I know this and yet it still hurts to see those we care about struggling. I tried to express some of this in this poem.
Aging Change
Life doesn’t last
forever
we know
yet watching
as time
erodes
friendships
descent
into pain
how to
absorb
loss
loss of abilities
bring
aches
and yet
we
continue
to love
to grow
to love
until
the end
And beyond
Quite often I sit and wonder what I am going to write about. Most of the time something comes to me and I start with a thought and have no idea where it is going. Usually it works into something that what never what I thought in the beginning.
Today the only thing that came to mind is that in June my husband and I will have been married for 57 years. I can’t say that a single one of them have been bad. We never questioned that we belong together even on the off days. Ups and downs yes but never infidelity or desire to be with someone else. This quote from C.S. Lewis is fitting.
Today I did another mediation. It is always interesting to see what it is about. Sometimes it is someone owing someone else money. Sometimes it is member of a family arguing about something minor. Usually with families the problem is not what they have brought to us but lost in their past history. With cases like this it is usually not possible to resolve anything. There is too much water under the bridge.
Too often we see families divided over long standing hurts and disagreements. Families are not perfect but it makes me so sad to see them totally divided. We have so few people in life who love us unconditionally. What leaps to mind is my dogs. It seems we humans have more trouble understanding each other. We are so ready to let good relationships fall away.
Keeping a family together is hard work just as keeping a marriage together. Feelings get hurt, people behave badly, things go wrong. Sometimes parents have tried their hardest to do the right things and sometimes the parents are damaged themselves and can’t parent well. No matter what happens having a loving family to support you in life is one of life’s greatest blessings.
Unconditional love is not easy but we do have to try. Sometimes is it impossible and we have to move on. When that happens my hope is that a new relationship can be formed using the lessons learned from the past. Being loved and loving is worth the effort.
worry-less-journey 