This is the first time I have written in a long time. I don’t know why. I just couldn’t think. I guess that all that has happened in the last year has caught up with me. I am in a strange place. Life, after all, is a strange space. Sometimes we just need to back up and take a breath.
The two basset hounds have not adjusted at all and it makes me feel so sad to leave them even for a little while. I am working with my vet to find a solution for this but just beginning. She has suggested training and I realize that part of what is being done is to get them to trust me. I know they do on some level but real training has never been done with them and they need to see me as someone who can assure them that is is fine for them to be left in the apartment.
This type of training will be long term and I don’t expect a result over night but I am hopeful. Crash is fairly amenable but Tillie is another matter since she failed training once before but I will hope.
This is just so true for today’s world. People are actually unable to step outside of their beliefs. No conversation about a different idea with change them. They will always find a reason to step back into their original position.
Today something reminded me of this quote from “The Mysterious Benedict Society” originally a book now a series on Disney Plus. “Proof is useless unless it’s proof of something people already want to believe.?
I think this is partly why those who chose not to be vaccinated are so set in their position. My oldest daughter works in a hospital in Georgia. When I spoke with her recently the hospital had 95 patients in with covid. Of that number 2 were vaccinated. I wish more cities would cite those statistics. However, it is possible that nothing will change many opinions.
Everyday is blending into the next. With the rise in covid variant it seems we are back to staying in. It becomes quite depressing. However, there is nothing to do but continue on. There will be some point at which the danger will be outweighed by our need to be with others.
We are human and as such we have a long history of being “tribal.” We need the connection with people. Most of us can only be solitary for so long. Admittedly some extreme introverts can deal with it for quite a while but the rest of us need communion with others.
The incidence of depression and anxiety has risen drastically since this all started. There are discussions of a new, even more virulent covid coming next. We will need to find new ways to live. We may have to limit ourselves to a closed circle of friends. There will still be risk but life has always had risk. We just have to adapt and keep on.
I have been absent for so long I feel lost. I am catching up on posts and hopefully beginning to connect again. Life has been “interesting.”
I had dinner about 2 weeks ago with someone who although vaccinated came down with the new variant. That put me into isolation. I am supposed to be out today but there seems to be conflicting opinions so ???
In spite of being confined this has been a time for reflection. I admit I have binged on TV but watched some really uplifting and helpful things. I seem to gravitate to the British/New Zealand/ Australian things. They seem to expect some intelligence of the viewer.
I am settling in and will eventually find a new lifestyle here. There are so many opportunities for fun and learning. There is a connection to the University of Texas with many chances to keep mind ad body busy.
I have to overcome the experience of living with only people who are aging like me. In some ways it reminds me of the British comedy “Waiting for God.” I have decided to think of this as a kind of college experience where I also lived with others in my age group. I will be also finding opportunities to volunteer in the “outside world.” (covid allowing)
Today amidst all else that has been happening I discovered that I am missing some of my favorite necklaces. I have torn the apartment apart but no luck. Now none of these things were valuable but just important to me. I literally have no necklaces that I like to wear. There is a box full of the rest of my costume stuff but none of it is anything I care for or would choose to wear. Much of it is broken.
Such a simple loss but one that hurts terribly. I just seems to add to all the other loses I am experiencing. I know that with God’s help this will all get better but today I just don’t see how.
I’ll just hope that is spite of my search the things will show up some how.
I have been off blogging for almost a week. Last week all my belongings were packed and I moved to stay with my family until my apartment is ready. For some reason this move was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I dropped into panic mode and suffered with IBSD. It took medicine and much coping to bring myself back. I am better but I have realized just how much has happened in the last year and 1/2.
I can’t say enough about how I long to be done with all of this. Will it be over soon????
For some reason it has been very hard for me to write. It is as if my brain has gone on vacation. In some ways it worries me. Has all this stuff over the last year changed my ability to think? It is a scary thought. One that is particularly frightening one for me. I have worked with families who are suffering through family members with dementia and their pain is great. I hope as things settle I will feel more myself.
I hope that it will only be a few weeks before I more to my next destination. It will be so wonderful to feel that I can plant my feet and settle into a home. The apartment is being worked on at this time and I can move as soon as the work is done.
I have been trying to get some things cleaned up and sorted for the move. That means sorting my husband’s things and deciding what to let go and what to keep. It is going well with some moments of sadness.
Hopefully I will get back to my regular writing schedule in the near future and actually have something interesting to say.
Last week was a lost week. For some reason I was in a bad place and nothing seemed right. It is the first time that I have had such a down time. I think the impact of everything that has happened since last March finally got to me. (Covid, husband in hospital several times, moving to another city, downsizing to an apartment from my wonderful home, losing my husband, paperwork, changing everything from ours to mine.) A lot to take in over that short time. I guess I wouldn’t have been normal if it didn’t get to me. Just letting it all out helped.
I have begun doing mandalas for healing again, my attitude is different and I feel better. Strangely enough the dogs are behaving better. I am sure that my upset has been affecting them. Yes, I am still grieving and that will take time but I feel more grounded
Today has been one of my first special days to get through. It was my husband’s birthday. It is strange to live that day without him around. I was remembering last year when we did a party for him outside in the yard with just family and one friend. He was not well then and didn’t really enjoy it.
I am sure that this day is better for him. He didn’t cope well with being unable to do the things he loved. Even though he was able to be with family during the last months it wasn’t the same for him.
Now it is time to accept this day with joy for the time I had with him. That is what he would want.
For the last few days I have been thinking about what it means to lose a spouse of almost 59 years. It has reminded me of something my grandmother said after she turned 100. She remarked that no one she had known for most of her life was still alive. No one could really grasp her journey.
I have remembered that statement and thought about it over the years. Now having lost my husband and all but one friend I grew up with I can begin to understand what she was talking about. Fortunately for me there are still people around who are my contemporaries and so there are still those who remember the things I do. That is a blessing.
I have realized though that there is a kind of loneliness in missing the person who lived most of my life with me. There are experiences that no one else shared. I know I will continue to miss being able to connect with him over our life together.
There is also a loneliness in knowing that I am alone in a way that I have never been. Thank God I have a loving and wonderful family of children, grandchildren and great grandchildren who will continue to fill my life with joy.
Friends also help to dispel the sense of being along. With them are also many shared memories and I know that there will be many more with those I will connect in the future. I tend to look at the positive and continue to savor all that life has to offer me. This is just an in between time that brings thoughts and ponderings to light.