This past week I was able to get my second covid vaccination. It is a relief. Now I have to look to moving forward. It looks as if I will be moving to the community (that we were both to move to) at the beginning of June. I am so longing to be finally settled. I have felt so disconnected.
We were also able to go to church on Sunday and that was so wonderful. I hope that before long we will actually be able to connect in a deeper way. Masks make it so difficult.
Before I move I need to donate my husband’s things. This is hard to think about but they will mean so much to those who need them. I will feel as if I am giving part of him away but he would be glad that his things can be used. This is just another step in my grieving…another move forward.
Moving my dogs into an apartment with no outside access will be a change for them but I think they will be happy wherever I am. they are very clingy.
It has been so long since I have posted that I feel lost. For some reason after my husband’s death I just stopped for a while. It is time to be back. First let me thank everyone for your kind messages of sympathy. They were much appreciated and helped me at a time when I needed help.
Now I hope to get back to my normal writing. I have thought about so many things during this hiatus and will be sharing thoughts and ideas. Life is never boring and always has something to teach us if we are willing to learn. Wisdom does come with age if we choose to learn as we go. I have much to learn still and am still curious about life and the world around me. I hope I never stop learning until I leave this earth.
So much has happened in the last few weeks that I have been unable to compose any posts. My mind has been unable to settle enough. After the week of absorbing my daughter’s breast cancer diagnosis Austin was hit by a winter storm that not only shut down power but decimated the city’s ability to provide water. My daughter’s home had power the whole time but still has no water. We are tired, thirsty and smelly. On Wednesday we moved from our apartment that had no power and only moments after getting my husband settled he died from what we believe was a heart attack. We are overwhelmed. This morning I read this poem in Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s “Prayers from Prison” and found great solace from the words of the last two verses of the poem “Joy and Sorrow.” I place them here for your reflection. I know I will read them often.
“What then is Joy? What then is Sorrow? Time alone can decide between them, when the immediate poignant happening lengthens out to continuous wearisome suffering; when the labored creeping moments of daylight slowly uncover the fullness of our disaster Sorrow’s unmistakable features. Then do most of our kind sated, if only by the monotony of unrelieved unhappiness, turn away from the drama, disillusioned, uncompassionate.
o ye mothers, and loved ones-then, ah, then comes your hour, the hour for true devotion. Then your hour comes, ye friends and brothers! Loyal hearts can change the face of Sorrow, softly encircle it with love’s most gentle unearthly radiance.”
Today there was a quote on the blog “idealideas” on Word Press that really caused me to think. “A good change is a short term inconvenience for a long term solution.”
It made me see that my husband and I have done the right thing. We are aiming for the long term solution. Right now we are in the short term inconvenience. Hopefully it will not last too long but after this we will hopefully be where we can stay permanently. That will be a wonderful thing. Sometimes it feels like this is stressful and unreasonable but it really is not. It is just that with covid and trying sell a house it seems like it will go on forever.
Sometimes life can be really hard to take and difficult to understand but it is how we deal with it that matters. Keeping your resolve is not easy but worth it in the long run. I know that this time will pass but at times that is hard to believe. We just have to keep on.
It would be so easy in the midst of all that has been going on to be afraid but fear doesn’t help. Fear merely increases our adrenaline and does bad things to our body. Unless we truly need the fight or flight response it doesn’t help us. It is so easy to be afraid of covid, afraid of the riots and insurrection. There are many things that can make us afraid. Many times we are afraid of things that scared us as children. For some reason I hate spiders. I don’t know why but there is probably something in the past. Fear is a necessary part of our make up. It can save us when we are in danger but we have to learn to see when it is hurting us.
The things that frighten us don’t have to be real. Many of us experience fear/anxiety for a multitude of reasons. The more we learn ways to use tools that help us the better we become. Fear can stop us from doing things that we need to do or things that we really would love doing. Learning to cope each day, each moment is the goal. We just have to keep moving on.
As we age we see the primary figures in our life (mother, father, loved ones) grow older too. At some point we begin to see the differences. Roles begin to blur and the status of those important connections changes. For many families there is a matriarch or patriarch. As we grow older the power of those figures diminishes and the power begins to shift.
The big change comes when those older ones die and we find ourselves as them. Suddenly we are the older generation. If life goes that way we many not be the ones hosting holidays. The roles have changed and we have to find a new place in the scheme of things.
I felt that strongly this year as we have moved away from our home and have experienced new roles and new patterns. We always encouraged our children to make their own traditions as they grew their families. Now we are joining in the traditions of our daughter and her family. It truly is a different thing and we will have to find the place that we fit. We have never been to their home for Thanksgiving and Christmas so we have no role there. Over time we will have to find a way to be incorporated. We know this will come but this year if felt strange to not help or participate in some way. Life does have a way of changing. We just have to change with it.
It has been very hard to write lately. Covid is rampant again and we are staying close to home. Christmas is almost here and yet it is hard to get into the spirit. So many people did not stay in over Thanksgiving and now we are seeing the result.
This time has been almost as hard as the two Christmases that my husband was in Vietnam. He loves Christmas but this is not what he’s used to.
We will get through this. Somehow things will have to get better.
I hope that everyone has a safe and wonderful Christmas.
I can’t believe how difficult it has been to write lately. My heart is heavy with all that has gone on. Details have buried me in paperwork and I am so lonely. I know that most of us are experiencing that problem. I don’t know why it is bothering me now since moving didn’t change any of that since I see some family here and saw a very few friends at at home.
They are starting to vaccinate health care workers here so maybe before too long we will be able to get the vaccine. I know some people are afraid to take it but at our age we have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Each time I have to go to the grocery store or anywhere else I pray that I don’t get the virus just before the vaccine is available. I’m sure many people feel that way.
So much for my sad story this night. Tomorrow will be a brighter day with hope on the horizon. May you all be blessed with a good night and a wonderful tomorrow.
Things are beginning to settle down. Thanksgiving was good and interesting with the mix of people. My daughter, Jenny, sets a beautiful table and her husband did a wonderful job with all the food. It was an amazing meal. Today I made soup with the turkey carcass and some homemade bread for dinner. We will take it to Jenny’s house for everyone to enjoy.
I am finding my way around and only get lost every once in a while. I heard today that some vaccines may be coming before too long. Medical personnel, first responders and other special need people will be the first to get it. At least that will be a start and maybe we will begin to see a decline in the sudden panic that arose again.
I have not seen a person here in public without a mask worn properly. If everyone would do what they should maybe we can reduce the spread at last. How wonderful that would be and something to be truly grateful about.
Life is different and the same. We are some of our family but the reality of covid continues to make life lonely. Connecting with friends from home is mostly the same since it was phone conversations. However we did have a few people that we met to eat outside off and on. Our family is one who does dinner (and it is wonderful ) but I miss meeting people for lunch. Even if we go out it is just the two of us. Sometimes it is so hard not to be bored.
I have picked up my knitting and crocheting but since it has been my go to thing since March the joy of it is wearing thin. Like most people I am feeling the long haul to some changes.
Thanksgiving will provide some change as the family will have a meal together but I am discovering getting my husband and the dogs going can be a real journey. We haven’t yet got the dogs acclimated and they howl if we leave them alone which means that we take them with us or one of us has to be here. Oh well, one of life’s little irritations.
I know I’m sounding gloomy and I do feel that way a good bit but “this too shall pass.” After not being in a different town since 1976 this will take some time.
It is nice to be reading all of you again and connecting. Thank you for your responses.