Since coming back from my husband’s funeral in June things seemed ok. I was preparing to travel with my daughter’s family on a trip to Canada. I became more and more anxious and time ticked away and a week before the trip had a melt down. I had been crying daily and getting more and more upset.My anxiety had reached a level where I knew I had to do something. Discussion with my doctor’s Nurse Practitioner helped me to see that I wasn’t ready or able to take that trip. Fortunately my daughter had wisely taken out insurance that allowed anyone to cancel for any reason. She completely understood my decision. The minute my decision was made a weight was lifted.
I was really unaware that I would be so affected by the trip to Savannah with the funeral, visiting the city and seeing friends. After his death over 14 months ago I had no idea that it would cause me to react so strongly. I should have remembered that we were together for over 58 years.
They used to say that nothing stays the same but death and taxes. I have decided that as right as this is something supersedes these and it is change. Change is always with us. It comes when planned and when unexpected but it always comes.
Since fall of 2020 my life has been the perfect example of change. With two moves, losing my husband and my home (had to sell when moving), living in a completely different state(one that acts as if it is its own country) and living in an Independent Living Retirement place, change has become normal. I just expect it and keep going.
Living with others who have retired and seeing mostly grey hair around me has been interesting, challenging, disturbing and comforting. There is sometimes the feeling of living in the British comedy “Waiting for God.” It can be hard to accept living where (supposedly) you know you will die. You have to develop a different mind set.
In some ways it it like living in a college dorm. As a community, there are rules that must protect us all somewhat like those in a HOA setting. For those who have been independent and masters of their own choices it can be frustrating.
Those are some of the negatives. It is wonderful, however, to have 3 restaurants on site and cook only if you want to. It is so good to have conversations with people who remember the things you do and understand your references to events and people of the past. (Some young people are so clueless it make me wonder what is being taught in school.) It’s a miracle to have my apartment cleaned once a week.
Soooo, although life has been challenging with lots of changes, it has also been interesting, stimulating, and life enhancing. There are so many things to do. We are connected to the University of Texas and can attend things there as we want. Events and activities are fun and improve minds and bodies. Life is good. You just have to reach out a grab it.
I’m feeling more comfortable where I am but life keeps giving me lemons and not letting me make lemonade out of them. Now I am dealing with some medical issues that will most likely be fine but still have to be dealt with.
That is the important thing. I’m grateful to be alive. At my age life will continue to be a challenge but I’m still here and I will love and grow and learn and change until my days are done.
Because of covid we had to postpone my husband’s funeral. Now we have it planned for June which is the time that my family can come. Today I sat down to plan the service. After working in churches most of my life I do know what my husband would want done. I will do my best to see that he has full military honors since that was a large portion of his life. He was a graduate of West Point and lived his life according to their motto “duty, honor, country.” I want his being put to rest to reflect his life.
You would think that this would be the hardest thing to do but it was a sort of closure to me without all the emotional baggage that day will bring. Since I am so familiar with the liturgy it is good for me to think about the words and make good decisions about how to best honor him.
This has been a good days work and one that is comforting in some ways.
I seem to keep disappearing from here. I don’t really understand why it is happening. The days here seem shorter even though I am doing very little. I end up going to bed early and not thinking about writing.
The past two weeks have been different. For the first time in a long time I have been quite anxious and without access to the medicine that helped me before it is more difficult to handle. I miss my doctors and still don’t have all the specialties I need. I have pulled back into myself and just don’t do the things I really need to do.
Thank God my daughter is doing well following treatments for her breast cancer. That is a blessing.
I think I was naive to think that I would be able to transition to a different life without so much pain. I am strong but things did pile up. I know that I am much better but do tend to have episodes of feeling the loses. So many memories crop up and remind me that time has passed very quickly. It continues to do so.
I have found new friends and they are wonderful but I still miss the ones I had from 1976 to 2020. We have so many shared experiences. I will be building new memories with the ones here and that will help to fill in the blank spaces.
Life moves very quickly. We do have to cherish every moment. We have to live in the now or we miss so much.
I am better. So how and in what way? It is the strangest thing but it feels as if someone has turned a switch and my mood is more positive. I don’t know if it is getting the right meds or that linked with just the passing of time.
I realize now that I have been crying daily for almost 2+ years. A lot has happened and much change has had to be absorbed but it seems as if life is just moving on. I still cry when struck by memories and things that trigger them but it is more random.
I do feel as if the tears were necessary and cleansing and helped me share the pain in an outward way. I accept that. Now it is time to begin living in a new way. Now if covid will diminish it will be possible to get back to church (which I have missed terribly) and the other activities that I enjoy.
I have continued to struggle with depression. I know it is related to the covid numbers here. It seems as if nothing will ever change. I know that we may not end up the way we were before but as a senior citizen I end up so warry of exposing myself.
I know that I am blessed having the basic needs of life available to me. It is just a matter of turning my perspective around. The truth is I miss people. For years I was an extreme extrovert but in the later years I am about in the middle. I realize that I need to make opportunities to connect with people. Even talking on the phone helps.
The real answer lies with me and not from external factors although they are stressful.
After a series of glitches last week with my health and my dog Crash I think we are both on the road to recovery. A new year is coming and I pray that with it not just a better year for me and mine but for everyone. The last two years have certainly been hard for us. It is certainly time for everyone to have a break. For some reason I was reminded of a very old TV program called HEE HAW and a song that they sang frequently. I think that in the last two years this has felt true.
I know my life has not provided pleasant reading for quite a while. Unfortunately it has not yet changed for the better. I was terribly sick Christmas Eve I think due to medicine changes but fine on Christmas. Have been basically fine since except for the pain from the fractured vertebrae.
Now one of my dogs is ill and I am worried. I am praying for a good prognosis. A new year is coming and I still hope for better things to come. With trust in God and faith there will be continued hope.
This has been a challenging week. On Monday I fell tripping over Crash. Flat on my back. I seemed to be ok but had muscle pain. On Friday afternoon I got extremely fast heart rate and ended up going to the emergency room. I was transferred to the heart hospital and spent the night.Diagnosis is either atrial fib or SVT. Basically there is a place where heart rate is controlled that is going awry. On Wednesday I will have a outpatient procedure that will hopefully fix the problem. Please keep me in your prayers and thoughts for a good outcome. May each of you have a blessed holiday and I will post again soon.