Safe Space

Today things are better. It is easy for them to be better as several days ago was really awful. My IBSD was so bad that I had a panic attack which I haven’t done for years. I am sure that all the changes in my life brought this on and my comping skills were at the bottom. I did take things into my own hands and go to the doctor and now things are leveling off. God willing, I will continue to improve.

It is so nice have have this space to share something that I can’t share with many. It has been a safe place for me for quite a while. Thank you to all of you who have been so supporting and kind. It is a blessing to be able to share here.

Today

This has been a good day. I got to spend most of it with my daughter. The only sad spot was picking up my husband’s ashes. Doing it with my daughter made it meaningful. We will be able to do a memorial service in the fall at the church my husband built. He loved it so. We want people to be able to come and I want a military presence since that was such a part of his life.

We spent lots of time in a garden nursery center that was amazing. Just being outside with lot of plants and flowers brightens the soul.

I was a able to get a few plants to put outside and two indoor ones to make my apartment home. I love plants. However, I can’t say I miss the huge yard we moved from. It was truly overwhelming. I never could reach done….not even for a day. It was just constant. Probably one of the few things I don’t miss after moving.

All in all a comforting sort of day.

The journey of grief

Grief is a funny thing. Some people think it follows the pattern of acceptance by Kubler-Ross. That pattern was actually developed about acceptance of a coming death. In my mind grief is different. Having run two years of grief support group and feeling my own grief I think it is much more erratic. It comes and goes like the waves of the ocean. I am certainly feeling that. I can go along just fine and then suddenly something will trigger tears.

We can’t run away from grief. Instead we have to go through it. We have to experience it. Hiding from it or trying to deny it doesn’t work. It can take a long time. Sometimes people have no idea what to say to us when we have a loss. Some comments can be upsetting but we just have to understand that most are well meaning.

It has been and will continue to be particularly hard due to the circumstances we all find ourselves in. Covid doesn’t allow us to do normal things that help us accept a death. Funerals are done with few people or put off until later.

In my case there is also moving to another city away from longtime friends. Being with family has helped but I am not in my long-term home and things are not as usual. I reach out by phone and electronics but it is not the same. I am lonely and missing my place in things. It will get better when we can be with people but for now it is hard.

My faith helps and I find myself leaning on God for support more than usual. I guess loss makes us reach out and understand what is important to us. God is my rock that I stand on.

We all grieve in our own way and I will move through this and find new friends and people to do things with. Being able to go to church will help. Life does go on.

There will be butterflies

I need to put up with two or three caterpillars if I want to get to know the butterflies.

The Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery

I love butterflies. They are so beautiful. But caterpillars….they are not ugly but they do love my parsley. They can strip all the plants in nothing flat. So because I love butterflies I let them knowing what good is to come.

This is true of so many things in life. We do have to work our way through the hard places to get to the good ones. Right now it is hard to see the end of this particular journey…both mine and the world’s. I do know that there is an end and there will be butterflies to come. I am just anxious to get there as everyone is. Hopefully it won’t be too long now before we can be with others and hug. We will be able to go to church and eat inside at a restaurant. The day is coming. Hold on to that.

It’s a dogs world here

Last night while watching the movie “Midway” with my husband (who loves old movies) I took a photo of one of our bassets (Miss Tillie). Don’t you wish you could relax like that? That is true comfort. She knows how to lay down and chill no matter what is going on. She knows this staying home is the best of worlds for her.

If you were reincarnated wouldn’t it be wonderful to come back as a beloved dog belonging to a loving family? I would

Unconditional love

This post should be a challenge since Word Press has decided to put us all in the new version. I have played with it a little and now I will have to dig in and see how it works.

Each day is a challenge. I never know what is coming next and I suspect that this is the “new normal” for me. Today is another Doctor’s visit. Each one heading toward some ideas of what things will be like from here on.

It rained hard night before last with lots of thunder and lightening. One of our bassets obviously had some trauma before we adopted him and he was up all night shaking and crying. We have tried some different meds some with no success and some with side effects we didn’t like. I wish we could help him. We do snuggle him but nothing stops the shaking.

Amazing how much like humans dogs are. If I have experienced the trauma that I’m sure he did I hate to think the condition I would be in. The up side is that both dogs sense when something is wrong and show their concern by coming close to add comfort.

Dogs know hot to chill

I am sure that the dogs run the house. My husband doesn’t like to travel and leave them at home so he would rather stay home. He loves those dogs and they love him.

I don’t think I could live my life without a pet of some kind. I grew up with dogs, outdoor cats, chickens, ducks and turkeys. In college I had gold fish that I hauled back and forth during summer breaks. They lasted all four years. Funny, I don’t remember what happened to them after that. I suppose my mother took them since I married and moved away.

This covid confinement would have been much worse without our dogs.

Memory: fallible?

memories clockIt is funny the things we remember and the things we don’t. A while back I went to a conference about how we remember things. The speaker, from Emory University, has been doing a study on how accurate our memories are. The study is more complex than just that but this is a big part of it.

They got information from people following a major life event right after it happened and then again a year later. It was amazing how different the accounts were. We can also believe that we have a memory of something that we actually didn’t experience. If we have heard about the event often enough we incorporate it as a memory.

On the opposite side we forget so many things. I have had people come up to me and tell me a whole incident where I helped them in some way and not only do I not remember the event but I don’t remember them. Our memory is a very chancy thing. It is not as accurate as we think.

However, there are some memories, that we will never ever forget. Those are the ones that are so important to us. I will never forget my marriage or the birth of my children. There are other memories that bring me joy and comfort. I am glad I have those.

Human touch

human-touch-image-may-2018

Most of us are suffering from cabin fever or worse. We so need human touch. For those of us who are completely alone it is a devastating time. It is easy to fall into periods of depression and anxiety. We are not meant to be alone. One of the worst punishments for prisoners is spending a long time in isolation.

hug-yourslf-prints

I am going to suggest something that sounds totally ridiculous. You have to hug yourself. I am talking about physically putting your arms around yourself and squeezing tight. Stay that way for a while and repeat often. As strange as it seems it will help.

 

 

 

hug yourself quote

 

An unfamiliar world

surreal worldAnother day in this upside down world. I have had some news of my husband which assures me that he is comfortable and being treated but will be there a while longer. Tough news but at least some answers are forthcoming.

The world for most of us remains surreal. Safely at home but having to clean groceries or leave them in the garage for several days. I am only cleaning the things needed immediately and with just me those are not many. I guess not spending much money is a blessing.

thank-you-clipart-for-powerpoint-8Life is certainly different and certainly interesting. One has no idea what tomorrow will bring. It helps us to take stock of what is really important in our lives. I am so grateful for all the friends and loved ones who have called, texted, or emailed.

I am also grateful for all the kind words from my Word Press friends. This is a wonderful community and helps me not feel so alone.