Thoughts from last year

I wrote this poem when I was really low. It helps me to see how far I have come. It gives me hope for the times to come.

Grief hurts
It touches
The body
The mind
And the spirit

It’s toll
Can be felt
Everywhere

There is
no escape
no respite
no relief

It raises
I’s head
When least
Expected

And
Wipes away
Peace

Fear
Accompanies it
Casting long shadows
Making the world
Dull, grey

Hope is
Pushed aside
Lost

Will change
Ever come?
Hope ever
Return?

I cannot

See
If light
Is there

I only
Suffer
Each moment
And wait

Just life

I have been absent for so long that I feel guilty. The life that I live now is so different than before. There are many good things that I do. I swim three times a week and it feels so good. I will be able to do that all year as the pool is inside.

There are so many different people here. It was founded by graduates of the University of Texas and we have lots of retirees who taught or held other jobs at the University. There are so many smart people who have held amazing jobs and traveled the world.
Sometimes I feel inadequate and provincial. However it is exciting to talk with those who have had such interesting lives.

I am still playing guitar in the band badly but no one notices. It is just a fun thing to do.

I still spend too much time reading or watching TV. I actually miss working in the yard. There was something therapeutic about it. I had such a sense of accomplishment.

Most days are good and I have new friends who are wonderful but there are times when the huge change in my life still overwhelms me.

My dog, Crash, is still with me and shares his love with me every day. I am so grateful for him.

I’m just resting my eyes

I am trying to get on a schedule with writing. I need it and miss all the connections I have made in the 5? years that I have been doing this. I want to keep in touch.

and life goes on

I’m feeling more comfortable where I am but life keeps giving me lemons and not letting me make lemonade out of them. Now I am dealing with some medical issues that will most likely be fine but still have to be dealt with.

That is the important thing. I’m grateful to be alive. At my age life will continue to be a challenge but I’m still here and I will love and grow and learn and change until my days are done.

Change brings questions

Today one of the posts I read made me think about change. Not just about a change of environment but changes in ourselves. Each and every day we have encounters that change us. It may not be a major change and we may not notice it at all. It is like the “butterfly effect.” Anything that happens causes change.

We can’t be afraid of these changes. Sometimes the change may cause problems because we no longer fit with people that we have connected with over years. Our change may be unacceptable to them and we no longer fit together. The person may be unwilling to accept that your view is different than it used to be. This will be painful.

I have drifted away from friends because we no longer have much in common. Others remain because they have also continued on a journey of growth. This is life. I know that I have changed enormously over my lifetime. I am a different person. I am not static and am still growing. I intend to keep on growing until I am no longer around.