Author: worrylessjourney

Where do I fit?

by worrylessjourney, posted in confusion, sadness

In reading comments from others tonight I realized that in addition to giving up my home and many “things” this change has caused me to move away from being the “matriarch.” It was always my home that some of my children came to during Christmas time. It was my table where we ate and I considered it my job to be sure that everyone had a good Christmas.

loss of role/identity

Now I seem to be in a new world. One where my role has changed and I am not sure how I feel. I miss so many things besides the obvious. I miss my volunteer work, my caring for others who I could help, my place in my local community. All of this is gone. In many ways I have lost myself.

I know that this will change and that covid has made this a problem that it would not normally be. In another time I would have been able to get out and meet people. Find places to help and volunteer and covid ahs taken that away.

This is something to ponder on and find ways to plan for something new.

New vision

by worrylessjourney, posted in belief, hope, perspective

Today I did the little decorating for Christmas that is possible in our small apartment. It looks nice. I still can’t get my mind around having to find gifts for those I love. I’m just not there yet. This is so unlike me. I usually have things done way in advance but then this has not be a normal year for any of us.

I am hoping that we can look toward Christmas as a new beginning. Some vaccines are due to come out soon (we hope) and maybe we will move into the new year with a new vision.

There will be good

by worrylessjourney, posted in anticipation, good

Moving for the first time to another state in 44 years has been an eye opener. I have spent hours notifying people of our new address and one entire hour getting our car insurance updated. It was ridiculous. I still don’t have it all done and will have to do it all over again when we move to the retirement community we plan to join. At least that is in the same town.

Christmas is on its way but I find it difficult to concentrate on it. I am buried in busyness. This time I am creating a list of who to notify so that I can do a more logical job of it.

We move so quickly now into the Christmas season and most people skip Advent or are totally unaware of that season. I love it because of the sense of anticipation. It reminds me of waiting for my own children to be born and the feeling of joy their birth brought.

I like to spend time in Advent thinking about new things to come and how we need to see the good. That has been difficult during this year. Maybe this is the time to think about the good.

Change/Choices

by worrylessjourney, posted in choices, decisions

Recently there was a discussion regarding something related to this quote: “Knowledge is only a rumor until it lives in the bones.” From the Asaro tribe in Papua New Guinea. We were talking about how we don’t really absorb a change of a habit until we live it day by day.

We were talking about habits. Changing habits is a difficult thing. we may want to change but we will continue along the old path unless we act. I often think of it as “act as if.” We may not really incorporate the change into ourselves but we act as if it is already there. We choose to believe it is there and our behavior matches that belief. Day by day, as we continue to do this, the change becomes part of us and a new habit is formed.

Our resolve to make this shift has to be considerable for the change to happen but it can be done. The same is true of a knowledge or belief as in the quote above. It can only change by living it out. Some things can’t be proved but only accepted. My faith is based on “acting as if” every day. There are times when I question but continue to live out my faith as a choice. I have never met anyone who doesn’t question even if they can’t acknowledge it.

This also applies to loving another person. Each day we have to make a choice to love. We may not like the person at the moment or be at odds with them but we can still choose to love. It is a decision not a feeling.

Choose carefully what you wish to change or what you believe or who you love and then live it out.

Life goes on

by worrylessjourney, posted in acceptance, family, gratitude, hope

Things are beginning to settle down. Thanksgiving was good and interesting with the mix of people. My daughter, Jenny, sets a beautiful table and her husband did a wonderful job with all the food. It was an amazing meal. Today I made soup with the turkey carcass and some homemade bread for dinner. We will take it to Jenny’s house for everyone to enjoy.

I am finding my way around and only get lost every once in a while. I heard today that some vaccines may be coming before too long. Medical personnel, first responders and other special need people will be the first to get it. At least that will be a start and maybe we will begin to see a decline in the sudden panic that arose again.

I have not seen a person here in public without a mask worn properly. If everyone would do what they should maybe we can reduce the spread at last. How wonderful that would be and something to be truly grateful about.

And then there was another day

by worrylessjourney, posted in behave, lost, panic

I can almost find everything. Unpacking was a chore and things were in weird places but it is getting better. I have really been tired but am bouncing back a little. Finding my way around is challenging but I will eventually. Thank heaven for GPS. When I mess up I can stop and let it tell me how to get home.

Weather is still in the 70’s much like Savannah. I would really love some cool but there we are.

People are panicking about covid again and not helping the situation. If only everyone would just wear a mask and do the things necessary to help this along. Maybe someday this will all be a story to tell (in our case) our great grandchildren.

Another Day

by worrylessjourney, posted in acceptance, change, connections, humans need humans, Loneliness

Life is different and the same. We are some of our family but the reality of covid continues to make life lonely. Connecting with friends from home is mostly the same since it was phone conversations. However we did have a few people that we met to eat outside off and on. Our family is one who does dinner (and it is wonderful ) but I miss meeting people for lunch. Even if we go out it is just the two of us. Sometimes it is so hard not to be bored.

I have picked up my knitting and crocheting but since it has been my go to thing since March the joy of it is wearing thin. Like most people I am feeling the long haul to some changes.

Thanksgiving will provide some change as the family will have a meal together but I am discovering getting my husband and the dogs going can be a real journey. We haven’t yet got the dogs acclimated and they howl if we leave them alone which means that we take them with us or one of us has to be here. Oh well, one of life’s little irritations.

I know I’m sounding gloomy and I do feel that way a good bit but “this too shall pass.” After not being in a different town since 1976 this will take some time.

It is nice to be reading all of you again and connecting. Thank you for your responses.

Tired, sad, and hopeful

by worrylessjourney, posted in change, coping, emotions, exhausted, sadness, wait

This is the first night that I have attempted to write anything. Having lived for almost a month in chaos has me really drained. We are finally able to feel as if we live in our apartment. It is a very quiet and tree filled area. It is, however, much different than living in a neighborhood where everyone smiled and waved to each other. It feels emotionally cold although I am sure that is just me adjusting to a different world.

Right now it is hard. My family is mostly busy during the week with work and school even though available for help and ememrgencies if needed. It feels very lonely although in truth no different than our former home during covid. Getting out is the same and it was lonely at home too. It just feels different in a different space. I know these feelings will pass and some of it is homesickness but at the moment it makes me sad.

Sometimes waiting is so hard. All of us waiting for a vaccine and for something to change. In lots of ways putting life on hold. We have to find ways to continue to live even if in a different way.

I am holding on to that hope for now and managing.

I am sorry to have missed so many blogs and so many of you on wordpress and on facebook. I will try to get back to my former pattern so that I can reconnect.

In this week coming up to Thanksgiving in the US I will be counting my blessings and they are many. Peace, Suzanne

Now Texans

by worrylessjourney, posted in anticipation, becoming, life changes

We are in Texas! We are not yet in our apartment. The pod arrives on Saturday and we will be able to start settling in. I’m sad that I missed much time with my WordPress family but now I will be able to start catching up. It is a relief to be on this end of the process and though still sad I am looking forward to our next steps.

My brain is slowly starting to function again and that feels good. I may take a while to find my way around here with all those tangled highways but I will get it eventually.

It is nice to be back!

Tough times

by worrylessjourney, posted in acceptance, anxiety, change, emotions, sadness

I hate to keep writing that days have been tough but it is the truth. Trying to divide what we want to move with us and what we do is confusing. Also, accepting that this is it finally. I have wanted it here but now that it is it is really stressful. I have been fighting anxiety and taking meds when I usually don’t need them.

Change is hard and not what we usually want. We need this and it will take a while to get things organized. So many doctors to set up for my husband and visits to them. When we get it all set up it will be a gigantic relief. We already have an appointment with an infectious disease specialist and that is the most critical one since his primary problem is the infection in his knee replacement.

At some time I will be able to think again and write about interesting topics instead of whining about my stresses. I am looking forward to that. I have also written so little on my other blog “heargodinothervoices.” my thoughts about God have been thanking him for his support with me and his continuing care.

This week will be busy so I will write when I can and know that the community will understand and support me.