I have been absent for so long. I went through a time when my ability to cope just seemed to fly away. There were things that happened, that although not earth shaking, removed layer of resistance and rendered me vulnerable. I experienced panic, anxiety and depression. I fell into a hole. I was unable to even think about writing much less do it.
It’s no point going into the things that set me off it is enough to realize that I am more fragile than I realized. This means that I have to take myself in hand and be more proactive practicing the things that help me stay functional. I have to more forward instead of dwelling on the past and my totally different future.
As always, this is not easy and has to be totally intentional. I had fallen into a pattern of doing needlework and watching TV. Not a total loss but I became dependent on distracting my mind and not facing things. Living this way does not foretell a future with joy and pleasure. Not everything can be wonderful but taking advantage of the chances to explore the things available is so important to both physical and mental health.
While watching a program on Prime called “Bones” a profound statement caught my attention. It is so perfect and although it applies to the past it could also be relevant to obsessing over the future.
“Pain (in our lives) is always there. The challenge is to not try to make it go away. Fighting it is the problem. We fight to try and change the past or push it away but the pain is part of who we are. (acceptance) It is not easy but nothing of value is.“
It has been so long since I have written that I feel lost. I think the straw that broke the camels back fell on me. I hate to say it but I don’t remember but one other time in my life when I felt so miserable. My IBSD is out of control even though I have tried one round of medicine. I have asked for a second round. I am praying that I will not have to go through all the gastro tests to get this under control.
For those who read my blogs you know that this IBSD triggers my anxiety and panic attacks. I think that all of this is related to all that has happened but also with having a new doctor who doesn’t treat the same and doesn’t understand the meds that I need. He doesn’t want to proscribe the way that I am used to and then when I need meds he doesn’t agree with what I am asking him. He did get a letter from my previous doctor but I don’t know that it has helped.
For most of my life I have managed to stay off any meds whenever I can and don’t ask for them unless necessary. I reduce them as soon as possible but I don’t think he believes that. I will be searching for someone who will understand and hope to find one soon.
In the meantime I have such an assortment of meds that it is really crazy. I won’t go into the whole list but I have way too much of things that only help slightly and not enough of the ones I need.
Sorry for the hard post but I am frustrated and ill and need prayers and support. I want to get back to myself.
The last two days have tested my ability to cope and pushed me as hard as I can be pushed. I have had to rely on just asking God to be in charge as I was in overload. This request put me in the right place with reliance on God changing my focus completely.
Yesterday my daughter told me that she has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Fortunately she does not have the aggressive version so the doctors feel there is reason to expect a good outcome.
Today the physical therapists came to see my husband and wrap his swollen legs. They told me after seeing him that one leg was infected, he had a fever, very low blood pressure and probably needed to see the doctor. Shortly after that the primary nurse called and said she was coming to check. It turns out his leg is fine, he has no fever and there is no issue. Problem solved. I am so glad that she determined all of that and cleared everything up.
For me getting the fact helps me to get things into focus. It is so easy to have events shake us up and send us into a tailspin. It is best to let yourself feel those moments but let them sink in and wait for the panic to subside and reality to push itself forward. The unknown is the most frightening. If we can hold off until there is time to absorb and get settled then being able to cope can arise and put your mind into a much better place.
Keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we work our way through all of this.
I can almost find everything. Unpacking was a chore and things were in weird places but it is getting better. I have really been tired but am bouncing back a little. Finding my way around is challenging but I will eventually. Thank heaven for GPS. When I mess up I can stop and let it tell me how to get home.
Weather is still in the 70’s much like Savannah. I would really love some cool but there we are.
People are panicking about covid again and not helping the situation. If only everyone would just wear a mask and do the things necessary to help this along. Maybe someday this will all be a story to tell (in our case) our great grandchildren.
The stress of the last few months caused me to finally have a melt down. I was suddenly afraid that I will not be able to keep my husband and I from contracting covid. He is due home tomorrow and covid would be a disaster for him.
I realized that this falling apart was due to the extreme stress that has been happening and that I was due to crash at some point. You might say I was entitled to break down. the good part is that with medication and my daughter being here I have recovered and am again moving on.
There becomes a point when things compile for such a long time that just letting all the anxiety out helps you to free yourself. I am getting stronger again day by day. This long situation with covid has strained all of us. For me it was on top of struggling so hard to find out what was actually wrong with my husband and being able to do something about it.
When things bottle up for too long we will explode like a volcano. The pressure can just be too be too much. My daughter pointed out that having someone here made it possible for me to feel safe letting go.
Now I will be able to focus on helping my husband recover and get us both through this irritating crisis. Life will be good again. Different but good.