I am better. So how and in what way? It is the strangest thing but it feels as if someone has turned a switch and my mood is more positive. I don’t know if it is getting the right meds or that linked with just the passing of time.
I realize now that I have been crying daily for almost 2+ years. A lot has happened and much change has had to be absorbed but it seems as if life is just moving on. I still cry when struck by memories and things that trigger them but it is more random.
I do feel as if the tears were necessary and cleansing and helped me share the pain in an outward way. I accept that. Now it is time to begin living in a new way. Now if covid will diminish it will be possible to get back to church (which I have missed terribly) and the other activities that I enjoy.
Homes are not meant to be lived in – but only to be moved out from.
Richard Rohr in Falling Upward
When I first read this statement I was confused? -startled? – surprised? I’m not sure what. I realized that only when we are confronted with real change do we experience the growth that really moves us forward. It is a time of searching and redefining ourselves. We are moved our of our comfort zone and made to experience the world in a different way.
That has been my experience for, at least, the last year and a half. My life has been changed, disrupted and scrambled. Only now am I beginning to understand that this is not a negative but a positive. This is a time to “fall up” and explore what is revealed to me.
My 80 plus years have not been wasted but are a platform for jumping off. They are a gift that keeps on giving. It is up to me what happens next. I just have to take the leap.
Experience is a brutal teacher but you learn. My God do you learn. C.S. Lewis
Lewis is so right. The things that teach us the most are usually uncomfortable and sometimes outright painful. We learn so much from those lessons. The things that I regret the most and remember the most have been painful lessons. They changed me. Usually for the better.
Frequently those experiences had to do with hurting other people. The result hurt me. Maybe even more than the person involved. The trick is to not make the same mistake again. The important thing is that we learn from it. It is sad when we don’t learn.
We are in Texas! We are not yet in our apartment. The pod arrives on Saturday and we will be able to start settling in. I’m sad that I missed much time with my WordPress family but now I will be able to start catching up. It is a relief to be on this end of the process and though still sad I am looking forward to our next steps.
My brain is slowly starting to function again and that feels good. I may take a while to find my way around here with all those tangled highways but I will get it eventually.
This journey that we have been on for the last year has changed me in many ways. I have felt myself stretching and discovering. I have had to learn things I needed to know since my husband could not longer help. I have been blessed that I managed the finances (mostly) all along so that was something I didn’t have to struggle with.
When you have been living with someone as long as we have you develop patterns and really become unaware of how much you depend on the other person and the things they do. I have learned to be so grateful for the things my husband has done over the years and truly miss his help although he is now able to help some.
All of our lives we are people in transition. We are growing, learning and hopefully gaining wisdom. I was raised in a family that taught that people are more important than things and our home has always been open to others both as a refuge and a fun place to be. We have nurtured many over the years and hope to continue to do so. Our hearts have always been open to love those around us and that will also continue.
Our journey is continuing and will until we leave this earth and maybe even after. My husband and I are still “becoming.”