Today has been an up and down day. It was an ordinary morning with plans to meet my friend for lunch. After lunch I had errands to run which were preempted by a bad bout of IBSD. I suffered with it for the rest of the day and wondered if I would even be able to write. At the moment I am better. We will see what tomorrow brings. I am hoping that this is just the result of having to take antibiotics for a sinus infection. That would not be surprising.
I hate the fact that when this happens anxiety raises its ugly head. It makes me feel so weak. It reminds me that when well I tend to slack off of my coping mechanisms and this is the result. How stupid can I be. I remember this poem about how people quickly forget the things we shouldn’t. I’m not sure where I learned it but having a husband in the military I never forgot it. It speaks to the problem we all have with not following through with the things we should.
A mother is neither cocky or proud, because she knows the school principal may call at any minute to report that her child has just driven a motorcycle through the gymnasium. Mary Kay Blakely, b. 1957
I found this in a little book of quotes from women. My experience as a mother finds this to be so true. I was never sure what was coming next. Mostly from my son but not always.
I think the reason it struck me is that even though I love my children I never doubted that they could make some mistakes of bad judgment. Having received that call I would immediately have known that it was true and one of my children at fault. I wonder if this would be true today. So many parents now want to remove any blame from their children. Somebody else must have caused this.
Taking this attitude does such a disservice to the child. If we are never responsible for our actions and there are no consequences we don’t learn. Actions always have consequences. Sometimes good…sometimes bad. When the outcome is bad we need to learn that we have to take responsibility and that may not be fun. Reparations must follow.
I have known families whose children were never responsible for any bad behavior. The sad part is if they don’t learn when the response is minor they may end up in jail for a major offense.
Think about those parents who falsified records to get their children into college. Not only have the children learned that it’s ok to cheat to get what you want but also that it’s fine to laze your way through school. Someone will fix it for you. Those children believe that everything will be handed to them forever. They have no coping skills when things don’t work out the way they wanted.
I wonder why parents have come to the conclusion that saving children from their actions is good parenting. I hope that the pendulum starts to swing back the other way.
Bravery comes from the things we fear. We are only brave when we face something that we fear. Being able to step forward into a situation that worries us means that we can put the fear aside. We learn how to do this from the struggles we have had in the past. Each thing that has gone wrong in our lives has been a learning experience. We moved past those experiences and survived.
Nobody wants to go through difficulties in life but they do help us to grow. The growth gives us the coping skills to manage the next problem that confronts us. We not only learn how to manage but it helps us to understand others who are going through the same things. We have more compassion.
Think about the things that have troubled you in life and how you got through them. They have made you stronger and more compassionate. Don’t dwell on them as negative things but appreciate them for the things you have learned.
“It is a good rule to never apologize. The right kind of people never want apologies and the wrong kind take advantage of them.” From the TV show “The Orville”
On one level I agree with this quote. The wrong people can take advantage but the right people deserve an apology. Sometimes you don’t know which you are dealing with. When thinking about this I came to the conclusion that if in the wrong I would rather apologize. In some ways the apology is for me and the other person.
Being able to ask forgiveness makes me feel better. It also shows respect to the other person. It takes away some of the guilt I am feeling. However, I don’t like to apologize for something I did not do. This is where I draw the line. In my life I have been accused of wronging someone when it wasn’t me. In spite of the fact of my insistence that I was innocent I was never believed. That is hard to live with.
The other interesting idea is the non-apology apology. Have you ever used this ploy? For example, I might say I am sorry you feel that way. It sounds like an apology but really I am just stating how I feel at the moment. It is however, the truth. This can work if you are in a sticky situation. Most of the time it is taken as an apology. It is one way to end any dispute and restore good feelings.
Today I was at the Mediation Center and ran across this list. It is the most comprehensive I have ever seen. Anyone should be able to find something on here that they can do to make their day better. I am appending it to my bulletin board.
We often think there is nothing we can do. Usually because we really don’t want to do anything except feel bad. Sometimes we have to force ourselves to do something to improve things. It may take strength to get going. There is always something that will help. See if you can find some things on this list.
Our society expects us to maintain a facade. We must never seem broken or fragile. Society sees this a weakness. Underneath all of that the reality is that it is frightening. If you are shattered maybe that will happen to me.
Think about how we greet people. “How are you? I’m fine.” We may be suffering but oh dear we better not share it. I have heard people respond “not okay” and the other person doesn’t even acknowledge what has been said. Too often we don’t want to hear it. It might draw us into the pain and suffering that we don’t want to see.
In truth, most of us are balanced on a precipice and feel that a little shove might push us over. We wouldn’t want anyone else to see this as that would diminish us in their eyes.
Most of my life people have sought me out to share their fears and their pain. I don’t think I am at all special. It is because I have never hidden my own wounds and am willing to open myself to others. I’m not sure why I am this way but it is who I am. Being this way is not always comfortable but it has given me the opportunity to show compassion and love.
Never be afraid to share your true self. Some will turn away but it is their own fears that cause that. Showing others how you have learned and continue to move on will give them hope.
I am now in Texas visiting my family. I is nice to reconnect. Not everyone has family for that kind of connection. In my life family has always been my rock. I was brought up to believe that will everything else fell away family was there. For most of my life this has been the case.
One of the most difficult things about how we all live today is we are so separated. Yes, we can fly to visit family but it is not the same as being in the same town. When families lived close to each other it always seemed that there was someone that you could relate to. It might be crazy Aunt Lily or weird Uncle George but we were able to find someone who understood us.
The world is wider and narrower today. We are physically separated but can communicate easier. That helps in some ways but there is nothing like a hug. As humans we are wired to need touch and the fears we see with inappropriate touch has made us draw back from even simple gestures. I don’t know how we will fare if we are unable to receive the physical contact we need. Babies who are not held are at greater risk for a diagnosis of “attachment disorder” which can lead to serious antisocial behaviors. I wish I knew the answers but I don’t.
Find the people in your life who are willing to share touch in a positive way. We can’t live without it.
My posting may be erratic for the next week. I am going to visit my daughter in Austin. Hopefully I will get to use one of the computers they have and post.
Today has been a strain. For some reason I have had a flare of IBSD. I don’t think it is the travel. Last week was stressful and I guess it just got to me. I will cope and be on that plane tomorrow and enjoy my week.
I will be reading all the posts. Have a great week.
My husband has taught me over the years some comments that he lives by. One of my favorites is “there is always a solution…it may not be the one you envisioned or wanted but there is one.”
I have so often found this to be true. Sometimes the idea that we have can’t be done the ordinary way. We don’t need to give up but be willing to search until we come up with something else that will work. This kind of thinking has lead me to be creative in my solutions and come up with ideas that I might not have found before. It helps me to not give up.
Over the years I have seen my husband (a structural engineer) receive awards for buildings that he was told “it can’t be done that way.” He does it. It works and stands the test of time.
I know that over the years he has learned things from me too. I am a people person and am astute at judging motives and at nudging out the truth. People usually open up to me. I am absolutely no good at math and engineering. I have always been the literature/psychology person.
When I was young I wanted to be a nurse but thought I couldn’t get through the science part to get to the people part. My first college degree was History/Music. Later in life I made up my mind to defy my fears and sturdy nursing. I found out I could do the science since I love learning about human anatomy, diseases and how to help those with problems related to them.
My people skills led to living the last 20 years of my career as a parish nurse. This brought all of my experience, skills and faith and wrapped them up in one package. It was an amazing experience.
I always tell young people to not worry if they don’t know their passion or their path right away. Just leap out and do something. You have time to do many things and pursue many ideas in your life. Never give up exploring. Something you thought early on may change with time and experience. It is never too late to make changes if you have the desire and the drive to do it. As my husband’s quote says there always is a solution. It may not be the first one you find. Jut keep on and try different things until it works!
Today I was out for a while and I returned home to find two happy, tail wagging dogs greeting me as I got out of the car. If only we were always greeted by someone who was so excited to see us our lives would be so much better.
The unconditional love given to us by our pets is an example to us. We certainly can learn from them. Recently I read a magazine about animals and there is evidence that dogs can also tell if someone is evil or has bad intentions toward us. We are learning more every day about what they are capable of. We already know that they can smell out cancer, calm those with PTSD, find drugs, and help those with disabilities. I wonder how much we will discover about them in the future.