Another day is fading into night. It reminds me of the “gloaming” and I love the image. I continue to move ahead each day trusting that my path will unfold before me. I still struggle to stop worrying about what tomorrow will bring. Both my husband and my mother frequently chastised me to not let the future ruin the present. They were both so good at living in the day. May I too learn to do the same.
I met today with a new therapist and am so encouraged by our connection and her understanding. Things will get better. I will continue to believe that.
I continue my struggle with IBSD but I am reaching out for a doctor as I don’t have a gastro one here. I realize that I also am missing all the doctors I had before. I must find new ones.
We are currently sheltering from the new covid strain and quite a few people here have been sick. We all wanted so much to see things as normal and that is not happening. It can be so tiresome and depressing.
Crash and I remain here working through each day. He is my companion and solace.
The last few days have been bad. I am having a serious attack of IBSD and that always stresses me into anxiety. In addition where I live there has been a considerable increase with the number of people who have covid and that doesn’t help. Today the dining rooms are closed and we can order food to be picked up. Not fun to have to eat alone.
I think one of the hardest things about my time is the loneliness that can’t be helped. I miss my husband who was my rock for almost 59 years. It is the emotional support that is the most difficult to lose.
I am trying to hang in there and hope that getting my rx for the med I need will bring about some change.
Thanks for listening to my woeful post.
Since coming back from my husband’s funeral in June things seemed ok. I was preparing to travel with my daughter’s family on a trip to Canada. I became more and more anxious and time ticked away and a week before the trip had a melt down. I had been crying daily and getting more and more upset.My anxiety had reached a level where I knew I had to do something. Discussion with my doctor’s Nurse Practitioner helped me to see that I wasn’t ready or able to take that trip. Fortunately my daughter had wisely taken out insurance that allowed anyone to cancel for any reason. She completely understood my decision. The minute my decision was made a weight was lifted.
I was really unaware that I would be so affected by the trip to Savannah with the funeral, visiting the city and seeing friends. After his death over 14 months ago I had no idea that it would cause me to react so strongly. I should have remembered that we were together for over 58 years.
Those of us who are in the last chapter of our lives need to know that we can still make a difference. Continue to live each day to leave behind a legacy of love and caring.
They used to say that nothing stays the same but death and taxes. I have decided that as right as this is something supersedes these and it is change. Change is always with us. It comes when planned and when unexpected but it always comes.
Since fall of 2020 my life has been the perfect example of change. With two moves, losing my husband and my home (had to sell when moving), living in a completely different state(one that acts as if it is its own country) and living in an Independent Living Retirement place, change has become normal. I just expect it and keep going.
Living with others who have retired and seeing mostly grey hair around me has been interesting, challenging, disturbing and comforting. There is sometimes the feeling of living in the British comedy “Waiting for God.” It can be hard to accept living where (supposedly) you know you will die. You have to develop a different mind set.
In some ways it it like living in a college dorm. As a community, there are rules that must protect us all somewhat like those in a HOA setting. For those who have been independent and masters of their own choices it can be frustrating.
Those are some of the negatives. It is wonderful, however, to have 3 restaurants on site and cook only if you want to. It is so good to have conversations with people who remember the things you do and understand your references to events and people of the past. (Some young people are so clueless it make me wonder what is being taught in school.) It’s a miracle to have my apartment cleaned once a week.
Soooo, although life has been challenging with lots of changes, it has also been interesting, stimulating, and life enhancing. There are so many things to do. We are connected to the University of Texas and can attend things there as we want. Events and activities are fun and improve minds and bodies. Life is good. You just have to reach out a grab it.
Some may find this post against their beliefs and I beg forgiveness if my thoughts are offensive to anyone. This is the post of an 81 year old nurse whose grandmother was blind due to measles. As a young girl her life was changed forever. It is evident to me that we have lost many wonderful people in the last few years due to their fear and reluctance to be vaccinated. It hurts to see their lives cut short. Know that I respect that others have a right to their own beliefs.
Today I read the most incredible article in the New York Times. It is about the growth of the anti-vaccination trend. It is titled “The Anti-Vaccine Movement’s New Frontier.” The article shows that those who previously were concerned about vaccines causing autism were started by a English doctor whose study was not scientifically done and studied only 12 children. This number is not a base for conclusions.
Obviously data from this study was disseminated without any scrutiny and was actually funded by a lawyer wanting data for a lawsuit against the vaccine company. Beginning with this misinformation many parents were afraid for their children. The fear of this continues.
There was already a background for fear of vaccines when covid appeared on the horizon and questions about mandates for vaccines brought the whole issue into the political arena. With other issues under debate including gun laws it was easy to link into this and let it be part of human rights.
The problem now is that with many choosing to not be vaccinated or vaccinate their children and politics finding ways to enlarge it all we may be looking at epidemics of diseases we considered controlled by vaccinations. Outbreaks have been reported in recent years with children…some dying. This is a frightening thought. Propaganda is a viable weapon.
Our nation is so divided over many, many issues and we are ripe for believing disinformation of any kind. God help us.
With so many crisis to think about it is hard to put together cohesive thoughts. Between the various shootings and the war in the Ukraine the world seems so chaotic. Sometimes it is so hard to not be angry at those who want more and more power….that includes Putin and also those in power in this country who are so blinded by ambition that they can’t see the state we are in. We are the only country with so many massacres. Yes, let’s stop calling them shootings and call them what they are …massacres.
On this day when we choose to honor those who gave their lives for this country can’t we show respect to them by tightening gun laws and stop at least some of the violence. My husband loved this country. He would have given his life for it and almost did in Viet Nam. Yet then and now we send soldiers to fight wars that can’t be won because politics make that impossible. We arm youngsters and fanatics easily with weapons and even body armor so they can kill more people. Logic has been totally lost in both situations.
For some reason I was reminded of this song. “Oh when will they (we) ever learn.” This version by Peter, Paul and Mary brings the full sorrow. Even the audience feels it.
Last week was stressful. At my age any medical issue makes you immediately think “this is what will take me out!” The system for getting medical issues resolved is wonderful here. Saw a nurse practitioner on Monday. Got results from that on Tuesday. Heard from a referred physician on Wednesday and had an appointment on Thursday. I had to wait til the next week to get some testing done but now know that I have several small kidney stones. I haven’t had any of those for 50 years! Oh well. That’s life.
Knowing what is wrong has relieved my stress and now I just need to move on. The hardest part about most medical issued is the not knowing. When you have discovered the problem then it is easier to accept and keep going.
Life is never boring.
I’m feeling more comfortable where I am but life keeps giving me lemons and not letting me make lemonade out of them. Now I am dealing with some medical issues that will most likely be fine but still have to be dealt with.
That is the important thing. I’m grateful to be alive. At my age life will continue to be a challenge but I’m still here and I will love and grow and learn and change until my days are done.
worry-less-journey 