This is the first night that I have attempted to write anything. Having lived for almost a month in chaos has me really drained. We are finally able to feel as if we live in our apartment. It is a very quiet and tree filled area. It is, however, much different than living in a neighborhood where everyone smiled and waved to each other. It feels emotionally cold although I am sure that is just me adjusting to a different world.
Right now it is hard. My family is mostly busy during the week with work and school even though available for help and ememrgencies if needed. It feels very lonely although in truth no different than our former home during covid. Getting out is the same and it was lonely at home too. It just feels different in a different space. I know these feelings will pass and some of it is homesickness but at the moment it makes me sad.
Sometimes waiting is so hard. All of us waiting for a vaccine and for something to change. In lots of ways putting life on hold. We have to find ways to continue to live even if in a different way.
I am holding on to that hope for now and managing.
I am sorry to have missed so many blogs and so many of you on wordpress and on facebook. I will try to get back to my former pattern so that I can reconnect.
In this week coming up to Thanksgiving in the US I will be counting my blessings and they are many. Peace, Suzanne
I hate to keep writing that days have been tough but it is the truth. Trying to divide what we want to move with us and what we do is confusing. Also, accepting that this is it finally. I have wanted it here but now that it is it is really stressful. I have been fighting anxiety and taking meds when I usually don’t need them.
Change is hard and not what we usually want. We need this and it will take a while to get things organized. So many doctors to set up for my husband and visits to them. When we get it all set up it will be a gigantic relief. We already have an appointment with an infectious disease specialist and that is the most critical one since his primary problem is the infection in his knee replacement.
At some time I will be able to think again and write about interesting topics instead of whining about my stresses. I am looking forward to that. I have also written so little on my other blog “heargodinothervoices.” my thoughts about God have been thanking him for his support with me and his continuing care.
This week will be busy so I will write when I can and know that the community will understand and support me.
I have decided that this is a day for another “IF” question.
“If you could eliminate one heredity characteristic from your family what would it be?“
This is an easy one for me. I would get rid of our tendency to have anxiety and depression. Mostly it is anxiety which then leads to depression. For some of my family this is a mild trait…for others not so much. In the past anxiety has lead to alcoholism since it is one way to tamp down anxiety. Obviously not a good way but one that was commonly used in the past and could easily be again. It could also lead to drug abuse for the same reason.
I have seen this problem crop up in some younger members but I am relieved to say that they are handling it really well.
Any kind of mental health issue is a challenge that can easily lead to bad ways to handle the problems it causes. I would be happy if this disappeared in my family.
There are some time when I am excited about being able to decorate with a whole new style and then some times when I know that I will miss some things. In reality, family is what matter the most and I know that we will find our lives simpler, easier and happier.
Today I have encountered several things that bring into focus some major issues plaguing our culture today. I think we may be beginning to see the result of changes in the precepts for raising children. As we began an era were in most families two parents were working the parents, trying to spend “quality” time with their children were lured into the idea that everything should be as perfect for them as they could make it. I am not accusing the parents. The changes in society brought this about.
Now if things aren’t perfect for that group of adults they feel deprived and entitled to more. They grew up thinking that everything would always go their way and want to insist on it in their adult years.
At the same time we began to change how children were treated in society as a whole. We fretted about feelings so that there ended up being no winners or losers. Everyone was treated “the same.” Unfortunately everyone is not the same. That is actually a good thing and learning early that things aren’t fair prepares you for what you face later in life.
Because children were the most important thing in the world they would naturally not care about others but only look at continuing to get what they expected. Others don’t matter. Many times money was used to get them what they wanted as in the case of the parents who bought their children into colleges. What did they learn from that?
We have lost values. Values are “a person’s principles or standards of behavior; one’s judgment of what is important in life.” (dictionary) Unfortunately I sense that this may be the beginning of a major change in our way of life. The decline of morals and the change of values to “me” and money is a bad trend. We have to correct this direction.
It is scary to think that I am beginning to think this life is normal. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I guess I am settling into a routine.
For me, routine is always a plus. Just getting up and following a pattern makes me comfortable. I don’t know how others feel but it works for me. I go out to go to the grocery store, the pharmacy and doctors visits. Otherwise I connect with people through electronic means. I do feel the absence of personal contact as I truly believe that human physical contact is necessary to our well being.
I suspect that this time has been more challenging for those of us alone or with someone else who needs care like my husband. We seek our connections with others and that is limited. My life has changed so drastically that covid is only one aspect of the whole. I have spent months adapting to constant change and now there is some sort of consistency and I suppose that is why I feel more settled.
I hope that each of us continues to find our way through into a routine that is helpful and sustainable. I pray for those who have lost job, income, health and whatever else has struck them.
In our area the Episcopal Diocese has said that we will not go back to church until there has been two weeks with no new cases. I am hoping that they will rethink that as I don’t think we will see a week without at least one case until there is a vaccine.
At some point we will have to resume some regular activities even if for those of us “at risk” must remain more isolated and more careful than the rest of the population. The mental health aspect is going to require us to do some things or we risk some serious complications.
I know that I am reaching my limit of just being at home and that I will have to go out into the world carefully but I will have to go out. The state has opened many things and there are people out there resuming their normal schedules. Most of them are not wearing masks but they seem to be social distancing. I can see us doing that for quite some time.
It’s a new world and one we will learn to navigate one day at a time.
This is a difficult post to write. Since my husband has been recently diagnosed with dementia our life has changed. We will learn and adapt as we go but some major changes will have to be made.
Our home is one that requires us both to be able to help with its maintenance. It is really too much for me to manage on my own. It is time to move forward and find the right environment for both of us. This will be heart wrenching and particularly hard on my husband but we need to do it now and get settled for the future.
My aunt ( who was really quirky) always said that if you do all the things you CAN do at the moment then you can stop worrying. This is my plan. We will be taking one day at a time. There are still some medical issues to be resolved and the virus hasn’t helped getting those done but we will get there. God is with us.
There have been lots of ups and downs in our life together. This is just another down to get through and look forward to the next up. On the 9th of June we will have been married 58 years. A wonderful journey.
Another week gone by. Funny, they all seem the same. Wait…they have been the same. Each day blends into the next. Around and around and around. The days are only different by thoughts and ideas. It is hard to know what day it is.
Why am I so lazy? So inclined to just sit and knit or crochet. It is getting something done but not with the energy I usually enjoy. Today I did some simple gardening. It was hot out and it didn’t take me long to be tired and overheated. A routine of exercises must be added to my days or I will become a painted picture attached to a chair with knitting in her hands. This is not me. Somehow the desire for more has to be re-established. Days where my sights are higher than that chair.
People around us are getting out more but they are not as at risk as we are. It is so strange to be in the “old and fragile” group, I have never thought of my self that way. My self image has been altered and I need to move back to the real me.
Life has been pretty much up and down. My husband’s health fluctuates from day to day. Not critical but learning management is the plan. Yesterday was particularly tough but we got through it. I am still not sure about the underlying problem because the virus has made logical medical care impossible. We will root it out eventually. At least the hospital stay ruled out major problems. I am sure there are others suffering from the same issues.
Something else to make life uncertain. We will all be lucky not to need a short time for what was called in the 50’s a hospital stay for out nerves. Too bad that’s not possible any more. A couple of days rest and relaxation with someone waiting on us would be wonderful. Anyone what to join me? A long time ago a friend suggested (when life was stressful) a Cruise to Nowhere. It showed up in the New York paper and sounded like a wonderful idea. Not so great now with the status of cruising.
I do find myself without lots of energy to tackle any big projects. Some things I will have to do and will get done. Others will just have to wait. I think looking toward the future is a big question. We know that life will go on but will have to cope with the shape of things. We can do it! We can’t give up or the virus will have won. This is not acceptable.
Most of us are still here and still functioning. Keep going things will change.