life lessons

This morning I was thinking about what a difference there is when you lose a spouse. I can only see it from my own perspective but having been married for so long it has made me feel lost. For the first time in my life I feel completely alone.

This does not mean that I am alone. My family is wonderful and I have friends from my longtime home and caring friends and neighbors here. However, there is the sensation that I am totally alone for the first time in my life.

I have lost people in my life: parents, relatives, friends. I miss them and feel the lost connection but I never felt lost myself. With this loss there comes the severing of years of closeness. There is now no one who knows me as well as my husband. The years of memories have lost the person who held them too. No one else can relive those with me. Just the ability to say “remember when” and be understood is gone.

My grandmother, at one hundred, said there was no one who she could talk to about her past and share those memories. Now I understand.

We do grow with each experience in life. Some of the most painful produce the most change and the most empathy. Life is always teaching us. We just have to use that wisdom to reach out to others.

More loss

Today amidst all else that has been happening I discovered that I am missing some of my favorite necklaces. I have torn the apartment apart but no luck. Now none of these things were valuable but just important to me. I literally have no necklaces that I like to wear. There is a box full of the rest of my costume stuff but none of it is anything I care for or would choose to wear. Much of it is broken.

Such a simple loss but one that hurts terribly. I just seems to add to all the other loses I am experiencing. I know that with God’s help this will all get better but today I just don’t see how.

I’ll just hope that is spite of my search the things will show up some how.