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Why this journey?

Life is a series of choices. We don’t often think of that but just getting out of bed in the morning is a choice. We are so used to routine that it doesn’t seem like we made a choice. It’s just what we do every day with little thought. How different life could be it we could be fully present for each of those choices. It is interesting to reflect on one’s path in life. It is so easy to see the places where I stepped off the path and usually paid for it. Sometimes the slip brings an instant outcome. Sometimes life continues and only with a long look back can we see the result of the choice.

I have always wanted to learn to live each day in the present moment but I haven’t mastered it yet. If only every second of every day I could remember I am alive now!  How different my whole life would have been.

You see, I am a worrier. I cross bridges and explore every good and bad outcome for each crisis or major event that comes up. I can easily picture myself with a fatal illness or catastrophic problem. The real question is how I have managed to live for 76 years and not learned how to let this go. It is time to move on. This is my journey into change. My first step into a new way to really live each moment.

I know that I have a tough road ahead of me and will struggle with my resistance to changing habits and applying all the advice and wisdom I have been given. I worried as a child. My grandmother used to tell me to sit in a chair and worry as hard as I could and get up and see if anything had changed. Her wisdom (she died at 100 ) was there for me as long as she lived. I heard it over and over but never learned how to do it.

The practice of faith was not absent in my growing years. God was a part of my everyday life. I was baptized in the Presbyterian church that my parents attended and each Sunday was in church with my parents or my grandmother (she was Methodist) I saw my grandmother read her Bible each day and pray as she rested after lunch and again at night before bed. Her connection to God was strong. Was Her consistent time spent with God the thing that brought her such peace? Many of my adult years have been spent in God’s ministry. Interesting that all that energy and action didn’t have a deeper effect on my way of being. One would think that Bible study, leading church events, teaching yoga and meditation would have had more impact.

So many human quirks that have been around since Adam and Eve have been given titles and are seen as present in many of us. In today’s world, my worrying would be given the title mild anxiety. What I do is not unusual nor can it be considered a psychiatric diagnosis. It seems to me that the recognition of garden variety anxiety has given some relief for those of us who worry. I am not the only one and will certainly not be the last.

Added on to this propensity to worry are the major changes in our way of life. It seems to me that sometimes ignorance is bliss. (note: I say it seems that way). Today we are bombarded with information. The world seems to be more dangerous day by day. To quote Dr King “Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars… Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” We can see the result of this on the streets of our cities. Have we been desensitized to violence so that nothing is too abhorrent to do?

All the electronic devices have added noise on a former unprecedented level. Is there silence anywhere? Do we understand the effect on body and mind of constant noise? Do we ever just sit back and think? I see this pattern as actually increasing worry or anxiety in the future. There is no time to just be.

All that having been said this writing will record my progress (or lack thereof) of a journey into change. I cannot change the world but I can change myself. I believe in the butterfly principle and maybe if one person finds a different way something will change.

The journey continues

What do we do when life changes drastically? How do we learn to live differently? I am still figuring that out. Each day is a new way of thinking a new way of being. I haven’t entirely found myself in this new reality.

I have talked many times with others who have experienced something similar to my journey. They have the same feelings, the same questions, the same puzzling ups and downs. One day everything is so easy and the next is a struggle.

I know that there will be a time when I will know I have found myself. I will find myself whole and not living in several worlds.


Life is a journey and is always new. It is time to embrace it.

Just life

I have been absent for so long that I feel guilty. The life that I live now is so different than before. There are many good things that I do. I swim three times a week and it feels so good. I will be able to do that all year as the pool is inside.

There are so many different people here. It was founded by graduates of the University of Texas and we have lots of retirees who taught or held other jobs at the University. There are so many smart people who have held amazing jobs and traveled the world.
Sometimes I feel inadequate and provincial. However it is exciting to talk with those who have had such interesting lives.

I am still playing guitar in the band badly but no one notices. It is just a fun thing to do.

I still spend too much time reading or watching TV. I actually miss working in the yard. There was something therapeutic about it. I had such a sense of accomplishment.

Most days are good and I have new friends who are wonderful but there are times when the huge change in my life still overwhelms me.

My dog, Crash, is still with me and shares his love with me every day. I am so grateful for him.

I’m just resting my eyes

I am trying to get on a schedule with writing. I need it and miss all the connections I have made in the 5? years that I have been doing this. I want to keep in touch.

Accentuate the Positive

It’s time for me to think about the blessings in my life. I have lived 81 years with lots of love and caring both me for others and others for me. I was blessed by wonderful parents and grew up feeling safe and loved. In today’s world not many can say that.

I am living in a place that will keep me safe and secure for the rest of my days. Not many people can say that. I have so much to be thankful for.

It is so easy to get in the habit of dealing with the negatives in our lives and not spend any time think about what is good. We all have heard that we should concentrate daily on the good things but we let the bad take over.

I want to begin anew my “worry less journey” learning to be grateful each day. The down times may try to pull me away but I will find ways to let it go.

This very old song sums up my thoughts. (Johnny Mercer was a native from where I lived.. Savannah Ga)

Indulge yourself

Sometimes the simplest things help us more than anything. Last week I did something that made me feel happy. I had my nails done. A very small thing but I haven’t done this in several years. I didn’t have to do it but it made me feel spoiled and happy. This is not something that I will do all the time but this simple thing was important. My mood lightened and I felt so good about it.

There are many times where doing something just for ourselves can make a big difference. Take the time to recognize when you need to treat yourself…whether is it a bubble bath, a walk in the woods, or visiting a friend. It can make a huge difference!

Thoughts for today

I was supposed to take a train trip across Canada with my daughter and her family starting July 19th. After taking my husband’s ashes to Savannah for burial in the middle of June I was so emotionally drained that I couldn’t go. I was also battling IBSD and didn’t They are now home and all of them got covid on the trip. Obviously I made the right choice. I am sorry to have missed the vacation but I was certainly better off to not go. Fortunately none of them were very sick.

I have found a new counselor who is really wonderful and a great match for me. She is holding me accountable for doing the things I need to do to stay well and grounded. That is what I need.

Life goes on here with covid coming and going. We all need to learn how to live in this new world.

Book banning?

Today I read an article from the New York Times about a movement toward banning books. I am so sorry to see this ugly idea coming up again. The minute we begin to censor what people can read we are in danger. Having access to other’s ideas is critical to our freedom. People are kept in ignorance can be controlled. We have seen that before in history. As always those who don’t learn from the past are condemned to repeat it.

Worry adds nothing

Another day is fading into night. It reminds me of the “gloaming” and I love the image. I continue to move ahead each day trusting that my path will unfold before me. I still struggle to stop worrying about what tomorrow will bring. Both my husband and my mother frequently chastised me to not let the future ruin the present. They were both so good at living in the day. May I too learn to do the same.

Today’s journey

O to be so relaxed!

I met today with a new therapist and am so encouraged by our connection and her understanding. Things will get better. I will continue to believe that.

I continue my struggle with IBSD but I am reaching out for a doctor as I don’t have a gastro one here. I realize that I also am missing all the doctors I had before. I must find new ones.

We are currently sheltering from the new covid strain and quite a few people here have been sick. We all wanted so much to see things as normal and that is not happening. It can be so tiresome and depressing.

Crash and I remain here working through each day. He is my companion and solace.

And on it goes, and on, and on

The last few days have been bad. I am having a serious attack of IBSD and that always stresses me into anxiety. In addition where I live there has been a considerable increase with the number of people who have covid and that doesn’t help. Today the dining rooms are closed and we can order food to be picked up. Not fun to have to eat alone.

I think one of the hardest things about my time is the loneliness that can’t be helped. I miss my husband who was my rock for almost 59 years. It is the emotional support that is the most difficult to lose.

I am trying to hang in there and hope that getting my rx for the med I need will bring about some change.

Thanks for listening to my woeful post.

Grief Encompassed Me

Since coming back from my husband’s funeral in June things seemed ok. I was preparing to travel with my daughter’s family on a trip to Canada. I became more and more anxious and time ticked away and a week before the trip had a melt down. I had been crying daily and getting more and more upset.My anxiety had reached a level where I knew I had to do something. Discussion with my doctor’s Nurse Practitioner helped me to see that I wasn’t ready or able to take that trip. Fortunately my daughter had wisely taken out insurance that allowed anyone to cancel for any reason. She completely understood my decision. The minute my decision was made a weight was lifted.

I was really unaware that I would be so affected by the trip to Savannah with the funeral, visiting the city and seeing friends. After his death over 14 months ago I had no idea that it would cause me to react so strongly. I should have remembered that we were together for over 58 years.