Life is a series of choices. We don’t often think of that but just getting out of bed in the morning is a choice. We are so used to routine that it doesn’t seem like we made a choice. It’s just what we do every day with little thought. How different life could be it we could be fully present for each of those choices. It is interesting to reflect on one’s path in life. It is so easy to see the places where I stepped off the path and usually paid for it. Sometimes the slip brings an instant outcome. Sometimes life continues and only with a long look back can we see the result of the choice.
I have always wanted to learn to live each day in the present moment but I haven’t mastered it yet. If only every second of every day I could remember I am alive now! How different my whole life would have been.
You see, I am a worrier. I cross bridges and explore every good and bad outcome for each crisis or major event that comes up. I can easily picture myself with a fatal illness or catastrophic problem. The real question is how I have managed to live for 76 years and not learned how to let this go. It is time to move on. This is my journey into change. My first step into a new way to really live each moment.
I know that I have a tough road ahead of me and will struggle with my resistance to changing habits and applying all the advice and wisdom I have been given. I worried as a child. My grandmother used to tell me to sit in a chair and worry as hard as I could and get up and see if anything had changed. Her wisdom (she died at 100 ) was there for me as long as she lived. I heard it over and over but never learned how to do it.
The practice of faith was not absent in my growing years. God was a part of my everyday life. I was baptized in the Presbyterian church that my parents attended and each Sunday was in church with my parents or my grandmother (she was Methodist) I saw my grandmother read her Bible each day and pray as she rested after lunch and again at night before bed. Her connection to God was strong. Was Her consistent time spent with God the thing that brought her such peace? Many of my adult years have been spent in God’s ministry. Interesting that all that energy and action didn’t have a deeper effect on my way of being. One would think that Bible study, leading church events, teaching yoga and meditation would have had more impact.
So many human quirks that have been around since Adam and Eve have been given titles and are seen as present in many of us. In today’s world, my worrying would be given the title mild anxiety. What I do is not unusual nor can it be considered a psychiatric diagnosis. It seems to me that the recognition of garden variety anxiety has given some relief for those of us who worry. I am not the only one and will certainly not be the last.
Added on to this propensity to worry are the major changes in our way of life. It seems to me that sometimes ignorance is bliss. (note: I say it seems that way). Today we are bombarded with information. The world seems to be more dangerous day by day. To quote Dr King “Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars… Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” We can see the result of this on the streets of our cities. Have we been desensitized to violence so that nothing is too abhorrent to do?
All the electronic devices have added noise on a former unprecedented level. Is there silence anywhere? Do we understand the effect on body and mind of constant noise? Do we ever just sit back and think? I see this pattern as actually increasing worry or anxiety in the future. There is no time to just be.
All that having been said this writing will record my progress (or lack thereof) of a journey into change. I cannot change the world but I can change myself. I believe in the butterfly principle and maybe if one person finds a different way something will change.
I have been reading the most amazing book called “The Song of the Cell.” It is non-fiction but extremely well written and the information gives me hope for my great grand children. I can see a future where most illnesses can be solved by understanding what is going on in the cell.
I have often wondered when or if we would ever be able to solve the mystery of cancer and other diseases that devastate the patient, family, and are so costly. There is hope.
Sometimes the changes that come in medicine seem so slow but this book helps the reader to understand the complexity of the research being done and why it is taking so much time.
Does anything go well in medicine anymore? I have a friend whose granddaughter has been through a two or more month nightmare getting the right things done in hospitals. Yesterday I discovered that the people who supply my medicines had not sent me two medicines that I need regularly. I did finally get one but the other one is still a mess. Periodically the contracts for who does this work get moved to someone different (probably the lowest bidder) and they have not figured it out. The worst thing is that what shows up on my phone is not the correct provider so you don’t recognize them when they call or text.
I really wish I knew who to talk to about the phone thing because that causes major problems. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to know exactly the right person to call to get things corrected? That would be nirvana.
It has reached the point where we all need a patient advocate who knows what to do and they need to be with us all the time.
I have been cleaning out my bookshelf. We have a library here and I will donate some books. It is always hard to give books away. They have been my friends and companions my whole life. A few of them are that old. Many of them I have read multiple times and will read again. I have too many books on my Kindle and for some reason don’t enjoy reading there as with a book in my hand. It just feels right.
I will post about new books I loved another day. Peace and Love.
Writing yesterday I alluded to the fact that being in a residence for independent seniors brings to the front of our view that we are at risk to be ignored by everyone else. Now by saying that I don’t mean that our families just walk away and leave us. Mostly that is not the case. But the reality is that we are deemed “less than.” Less brains, less physical ability and less important. We are the ignored minority.
I love the poems by Ogden Nash and this idea brought to mind a poem that brings out this point very clearly.
People expect old men to die, They do not really mourn old men. Old men are different. People look At them with eyes that wonder when… People watch with unshocked eyes; But the old men know when an old man dies.
This is so very true.. and yet the collection of wisdom, knowledge and ideas here is amazing. We are blessed with so many who have designed things now used by everyone, were professors in just about every field of endeavor. written books both fiction and non-fiction. I could go on and on. We are still alive, thinking, giving, sharing and loving.
In a more alert world we would be considered the “institutional memory” that is so important. It helps to keep us from making the same mistakes over and over.
We are here! We are useful! We are wise! Ignore us and you will be the ones who are “less than”
It’s been so long since I have written. I hope I haven’t lost complete connection with Word Press friends. I don’t know what has stopped me from writing. I have been too distracted. I hope that I can get back into my routine. A lot has happened around here and I am learning about being the transparent generation. For that reason alone I need to keep posting about how it feels to feels to be 82…a minority that most people don’t recognize.
More about that later. Just want to get back posting and sharing. Peace to everyone.
The weather here is miserable. It is 40 F and raining hard. Going out this morning was the first time I have seen Crash run in forever. He did not like that much rain and came in soaked.
Tonight, for the first time, I am having a few people over for egg nog and cookies. My apartment is so small (and I do love it) that it can only take a few people at a time. Later I may do this again. Being able to do this is a real step forward for me. I used to love having friends in but here I kept thinking it was too small.
There are still people here with covid. I know that over time everyone will get it but most people have a lite dose because of the vaccinations. The hospitals are full because of covid, flu and RSV. RSV was a big problem for us when I worked with six pediatricians. It was really dangerous for infants. Now it has changed and is a problem for those who are at high risk. It is so sad to see the hospitals full again. I hope most people are able to get back home for Christmas.
A long time ago I ended up in the hospital over Christmas and cried a lot missing my family…especially my children.There are still people here with covid. I know that over time everyone will get it but most people have a lite dose because of the vaccinations. The hospitals are full because of covid, flu and RSV. RSV was a big problem for us when I worked with six pediatricians. It was really dangerous for infants. Now it has changed and is a problem for those who are at high risk. It is so sad to see the hospitals full again. I hope most people are able to get back home for Christmas.
I hope that everyone will manage to stay well and have a wonderful holiday! Peace, Suzanne
Lately I find myself unable, or maybe I should say unwilling, to write. It’s as if I can’t get in touch with my thoughts and get them down here.
Today I have finally gone back to meditation thanks to the app Insight Timer. This is by far the best app I have found for meditation. It is amazing. I am hoping that getting back to my much needed routine of silence and quiet will bring my thoughts into focus. It doesn’t work to avoid yourself with distractions.
Years ago I had the best yoga teacher I have ever found. She was absolutely amazing. Yoga class was not just one hour but an hour and a half. The last 30 minutes were spent with meditation. By the time I had to move away meditation was my life support. It took me calmly though a surgery that made me miss Christmas with my children. I want to be back there.
It is hard to get back into a habit. We have to consciously make the effort. It so much easier to just vegetate. I am done with that.
Christmas will soon be here and advent is my favorite season and I have almost let it slide by me. Today is a new day!
Yesterday was Veteran’s Day and I miss my veteran so much. Our time with the Army seems so close and yet so far away. At my age things seem to be moving so fast to get past the things I have grown up with. Our perception of the future was very different than what we have and I still want my flying car!
In our ignorance we believed that things would be better. The lives of our children would be much better than ours. The world would be better, kinder and more loving. No more wars. No hate.
It was a dream that didn’t last long and I’m sorry it’s gone.
Things have been crazy around here. The Independent Living place where I live just can’t get help and all the others are in the same boat. It is an interesting phenomenon. It seems that every place cannot find enough staff. Last evening the people in charge were working in the dining room. Everyone from the CEO down. Wait staff is impossible to get. People come for interviews but don’t want to work.
It is not just us. Everywhere I go people are advertising for workers. What baffles me is where are the people who were working before covid? Did they all get jobs working from home? Did they get enough government bailouts to not have to work at all? It is a real mystery.
There is also the issue of the availability of products. That is worse than ever. The head chef can’t even get the food he orders. The same thing is true for the grocery stores. Shelves are still out of may items.
I guess we are just going to have to learn to live differently. I am blessed that I have a place to sleep and food to eat. Inconvenience is a minor thing compared to life altering problems.