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Why this journey?

Life is a series of choices. We don’t often think of that but just getting out of bed in the morning is a choice. We are so used to routine that it doesn’t seem like we made a choice. It’s just what we do every day with little thought. How different life could be it we could be fully present for each of those choices. It is interesting to reflect on one’s path in life. It is so easy to see the places where I stepped off the path and usually paid for it. Sometimes the slip brings an instant outcome. Sometimes life continues and only with a long look back can we see the result of the choice.

I have always wanted to learn to live each day in the present moment but I haven’t mastered it yet. If only every second of every day I could remember I am alive now!  How different my whole life would have been.

You see, I am a worrier. I cross bridges and explore every good and bad outcome for each crisis or major event that comes up. I can easily picture myself with a fatal illness or catastrophic problem. The real question is how I have managed to live for 76 years and not learned how to let this go. It is time to move on. This is my journey into change. My first step into a new way to really live each moment.

I know that I have a tough road ahead of me and will struggle with my resistance to changing habits and applying all the advice and wisdom I have been given. I worried as a child. My grandmother used to tell me to sit in a chair and worry as hard as I could and get up and see if anything had changed. Her wisdom (she died at 100 ) was there for me as long as she lived. I heard it over and over but never learned how to do it.

The practice of faith was not absent in my growing years. God was a part of my everyday life. I was baptized in the Presbyterian church that my parents attended and each Sunday was in church with my parents or my grandmother (she was Methodist) I saw my grandmother read her Bible each day and pray as she rested after lunch and again at night before bed. Her connection to God was strong. Was Her consistent time spent with God the thing that brought her such peace? Many of my adult years have been spent in God’s ministry. Interesting that all that energy and action didn’t have a deeper effect on my way of being. One would think that Bible study, leading church events, teaching yoga and meditation would have had more impact.

So many human quirks that have been around since Adam and Eve have been given titles and are seen as present in many of us. In today’s world, my worrying would be given the title mild anxiety. What I do is not unusual nor can it be considered a psychiatric diagnosis. It seems to me that the recognition of garden variety anxiety has given some relief for those of us who worry. I am not the only one and will certainly not be the last.

Added on to this propensity to worry are the major changes in our way of life. It seems to me that sometimes ignorance is bliss. (note: I say it seems that way). Today we are bombarded with information. The world seems to be more dangerous day by day. To quote Dr King “Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars… Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” We can see the result of this on the streets of our cities. Have we been desensitized to violence so that nothing is too abhorrent to do?

All the electronic devices have added noise on a former unprecedented level. Is there silence anywhere? Do we understand the effect on body and mind of constant noise? Do we ever just sit back and think? I see this pattern as actually increasing worry or anxiety in the future. There is no time to just be.

All that having been said this writing will record my progress (or lack thereof) of a journey into change. I cannot change the world but I can change myself. I believe in the butterfly principle and maybe if one person finds a different way something will change.

My friends —books

I miss my books. Many of them I have had for a long time and they are friends. I will think about something I want to read again and then remember that my books are not here. I can’t wait till I can get them after moving. They are so much a part of me.

I often think about how blessed I am to have sight and am able to read. On line things are wonderful but there is nothing like a story to take us out of ourselves. Also I have so many books that have thoughts that I want to revisit and mull over.

I know it won’t be long and I am looking forward to it.

My world, your world, whose?

Living in Texas is a whole other world. Recently the legislature here decided that it is fine for anyone to carry a gun, without a license. No restrictions. Then last Friday there was a shooting in the busy downtown area. Anyone wonder?

There are some other strange things that has been passed by this group but I am not going into all of that. I have to say that some groups in other states have also done some peculiar things. I am no longer living the real world. It seems as if each state is trying to see who can be nuttier….both groups on the left and on the right. Are they trying to outdo each other?

I guess I am too old to understand all of this. Is there no one reasonable left?

Anyway, I get to move to my own world next week and I suppose I should just stay there until I shuffle off. At least most of the people my age seem sane. Maybe even those with dementia are better that those controlling our governments.

It is time!

Life is returning to reasonable for me. Between the medicine, that seems to be working, and God’s continued presence I seem to be coming out of the fog.

Now I will finish up anything pending and get prepared to move once again. However, this should be it….finally.

It is hard to remember what life was like before this journey began. It seems like a lifetime ago but was just a year and 1/2. Now along with everyone else I will find my way in this new world. I wish for everyone that they are able to move forward with renewed hope and some joy in the future.

The only way to do that is one day at a time, one moment at a time. I have been reading a novel (fantasy and fun) and finding some inspiring ideas and quotes that I will ponder on. One is: “We are here and now, and that is the only place we can be.” from Mrs. Perivale and the Blue Fire Crystal by Dash Hoffman. It states so clearly what we have to do. We cannot change where we are and what has happened. That is past. But we can live in the moment and be the best we can.

I hope that everyone can find a way to do that and to find some peace along the way.

Hope for change and lesson learned

It will be interesting how this “time out” for the world will be viewed in the future. The big question is has it made enough of an impact to force us to change. Change is a word that can strike terror in the hearts of many. We don’t like change. Somehow we tend to focus on what has changed and lost instead of what has been gained.

Will there be more similar problems coming? Will we learn from this about our world and take better care? Will we revert to our old way of life and finally have the next crisis be destroying the world?

I imagine that there will be some of each of these things. I pray that enough will change to make things better. It has been enlightening and joyful to see creatures not seen for decades or centuries suddenly reappearing. I hope we can keep this trend going. There is hope.

Safe Space

Today things are better. It is easy for them to be better as several days ago was really awful. My IBSD was so bad that I had a panic attack which I haven’t done for years. I am sure that all the changes in my life brought this on and my comping skills were at the bottom. I did take things into my own hands and go to the doctor and now things are leveling off. God willing, I will continue to improve.

It is so nice have have this space to share something that I can’t share with many. It has been a safe place for me for quite a while. Thank you to all of you who have been so supporting and kind. It is a blessing to be able to share here.

I will hope!

I have been off blogging for almost a week. Last week all my belongings were packed and I moved to stay with my family until my apartment is ready. For some reason this move was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I dropped into panic mode and suffered with IBSD. It took medicine and much coping to bring myself back. I am better but I have realized just how much has happened in the last year and 1/2.

I can’t say enough about how I long to be done with all of this. Will it be over soon????

Moving again

Here I go again. Tomorrow the packers come and on Friday the movers to pack the pod. It will then go into storage until I get a moving date for the new apartment. I am so tired of this but know this is the last move (God willing). It will be nice to have a place that is my own. I can’t wait. There is something about this last move that really rattled me but now that I have started any packing I have to do it is better.

So many people have been touched by covid and lives have been changed. Mine is just one of them. I would have had to do this anyway covid has just made it harder and lonelier. I will so enjoy getting to meet people and have things to do.

My only concern is my two bassets who are both very anxious. The male (Crash) is going to have to have some meds as he has always had severe anxiety. We don’t know what happened to him before we got him but it did damage him and losing my husband and all the change has exacerbated his problems. Hopefully the vet will help me get him more settled. He is such a sweet boy as is our female (Tillie).

A blast from the past

Lately I have been watching streaming programs from Britbox. Many of them deal with live in the 50’s and 60’s. It has brought back so many memories.

I grew up in the time of poodle skirts, penny loafers, saddle oxfords, sweater sets, blue jeans lined with flannel and rolled up to reveal the lining, long pencil skirts and so many other things.

Films were strictly censored….there was little violence or nudity…no foul language. Life was really different. It was kinder in some ways and not in others. Anyone getting pregnant in high school had to leave and go to a different school. They were considered beyond the pale.

We wore “bobby socks” and had sock hops. Socks were worn to protect the gym floor. Proms were held in the school gymnasium and were highly decorated by the students. A king and queen were crowned. Punch was often spiked by boys wanting to show that they could.

During my college years was the era of the folk singers. The Kingston Trio, The Limlighters, Peter, Paul and Mary, The Mamas and the Papas, Joan Baez. I loved that music. Songs like Tom Dooley, Blowin in the Wind, and all the ones that came throughout the sixties. had learned folk song early in my life and absolutely loved those songs. We went to concerts in gymnasiums and sat on the floor.

In 1962 I graduated college and got married. This was the time of mini skirts, knee boots and psychedelic colors. A real change from the fifties. I saw people become “flower children” and live in communes. Birth control pills gave women the freedom to choose to have sex if they wanted and free love was the thing of the day. Women felt freed and the Women’s Liberation Era began.

Things have changed a lot since then. Some good some bad. People in general were kinder and more mannerly but women had more set roles and received less respect in the man’s world. Some people from my era have moved with the times and some not. It is a different world and interesting to live in. I would love to see the future ahead but know that I won’t. I am in the waning years but I will enjoy them fully.

Everything can change

I am preparing to move again. Change addresses, move my things, notify everyone necessary. I can’t believe I am having to do this again. I feel as if I am living in an alternate universe. When I think back over the last year and 1/2 it seems so unreal.

I have often thought about how quickly things can change. The song “What a difference a day makes” always seems to point to the swiftness with which life can alter. The song is talking about a change for the better but it can go either way.

Moving???

This time with my daughter has been wonderful. It has been so nice to have someone with me. Being alone so much has been difficult.

I miss my life. I’ll bet most of us do. There have been so many changes. Change is fine but so many at once is overwhelming. Days of trying to adjust have left me exhausted. Now there is more change to come. Two moves almost back to back. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever end. The poor dogs have been dragged from one place to another. I know they are so confused. The female will not let me out of her sight. She is about 11 and I think she is almost deaf. I guess she can’t hear me moving around and has to have me in sight.

In our original home

I am so ready for this journey for this to be settled. It has been so stressful. The final move will take me a place where there are lots of things going on and people to do things with. However, I will have my own apartment and my own space to be in. The best of both worlds.