Category: understanding

Some things can’t be fixed

by worrylessjourney, posted in anxiety, compassion, connections, healing, hope, understanding

i_can_t_be_fixed__by_x_arisu_x-d7sz2heToday someone said something to me that reminded me of a profound truth that I began to accept late in life. Having attended college twice with two different degrees it wasn’t until my 40s that I finished my nursing degree. Working with those who were sick brought home to me in a different way that there are some things that we cannot fix.

I have a friend whose grandchild is suffering with brain cancer. It is tragic and I mourn for the struggle they are facing but I can’t fix it.

Right now I am watching three hurricanes in the Atlantic that could devastate some people already hit by another storm. I can’t fix it. I wish I could. I really want to.

 

We expect everything to continue just exactly the way we want and we are gobsmacked by something that we can’t fix.

While nursing I did learn that things that can’t be fixed can usually be helped in some way. The sick child still has cancer but thanks to medicine he is better (not cured) and has many people helping him and others with financial and emotional support.

The last hurricane has shown that it could not be stopped but many people have put their lives on hold to help. What was amazing to me was to see linemen from Houston here in Savannah helping to restore power to us. They were “paying it forward.”

help 2I have learned that we can’t dwell on the fact that it can’t be fixed but instead concentrate on what is possible to do to help. That way we give of ourselves…….the most precious thing that we can give.

Understand there are things that can’t be fixed but we can help the unendurable be endured.

 

How do you fill the hole?

by worrylessjourney, posted in addiction, compassion, connections, understanding

I have just read an article from Spirituality and Health about a physician named Gabor Mate. Mate works with addiction patients in Vancouver, Canada. I have included a link to the whole article at the end of this post.

I was intrigued by the article and found some things I agree with and others I don’t. Mate is convinced that much addiction is linked to our childhood experiences. I agree that there may be some link between the two but I wouldn’t rule out the other links such as genetic disposition. I am a holistic thinker and tend to see us as body, mind and spirit linked together. However, some of his thinking seems to be right on target.

“Addiction, says Maté, is nothing more than an attempt to self-medicate emotional pain.”

addictionI do believe that this is true. In a previous blog I talked about the hole that is in us that we need to fill. Each of us tries to fill it in some way. Our way of filling it may be a recognizable addiction or one that society sees as good.

Mate says that: “The only difference between the identified addict and the rest of us is a matter of degrees. Daniel Maté, Gabor’s son and an editor of his books says “A lot of people make wonderful contributions to the world at their own cost. We often lionize unhealthy things.”

It seems to me that we are all addicted in some way. Some are workaholics, some over or under eat, some shop etc. If we do enough of these things we may begin to be noticed as going overboard and a problem may be identified and called addiction. This doesn’t happen to all of us but each of us is trying to fill that hole in some way. The question is with what?

Some doctors who do not recognize something as other do not agree with Mate who says: “something else in us and about us: it is called by many names, ‘spirit’ being the most democratic and least denominational.” For me this is God.

He does believe that there is something more. Something about us that is craving for wholeness.

The article concludes with Mate talking about how we treat and judge addiction and for me he hits the target smack in the middle.

“We lack compassion for the addict precisely because we are addicted ourselves in ways we don’t want to accept and because we lack self-compassion,” he says. “And so we treat the addict as an “other” – this criminal, this person making poor choices – to whom we can feel superior.

“I think that if we developed a more compassionate view of addiction and a more deep understanding of the addict and if we recognized the similarities between the ostracized addict at the social periphery and the rest of society and if we did so with compassion both for them and for the rest of us we would not only have more efficient, more successful drug treatment programs, we would also have a better society.”

better world

This was an excellent article with much to think about. If you would like to read it for yourself the link is: https://spiritualityhealth.com/articles/2012/10/10/gabor-mat%C3%A9-why-were-culture-addicts#.Wa3qMGIX6z0.email

There Remains Hope

by worrylessjourney, posted in aging, anxiety, guilt, hope, medical, PTSD, understanding

hidingIt is only in the last few years that I have realized that anxiety (and related problems) runs in families. It may manifest itself differently in each person but those descended from us may have it. Since there are two people involved in conception it is not 100% that a family member will have it. In my family I now realize that there are several of us who suffer with some form of this. More than one of us has some anxiety, OCD, depression and/or inability to sleep. The only light is that they can see at the end of the tunnel me still moving along at 76. They can feel comfortable that it is possible to manage these problems and live a good life. In the early years of my life anxiety, depression etc were not understood or talked about. Where women were concerned it was brushed off. In the south it was often called the “vapors” and you could go to a hospital to return to a calm demeanor. Some women just kept to their rooms. I am sure that most of you have read or seen Pride and Prejudice where the mother is constantly in a state of anxiety.

As the years went on I learned that certain situations caused me extreme stress with some symptoms of anxiety such as sleeplessness, increased heart rate, etc. I had one panic attack in college and the school had a psychiatrist who gave me ?Valium short term. I felt there was something wrong with me that I couldn’t face some things without anxiety. I tried so hard to change but nothing helped. I felt guilty for being the way I was and never talked about it. It was a no no subject.

hopeThank God things have changed. The invention of anti-depressants and other meds that can help the symptoms make this no longer a guilty secret. I know that my problem is mild compared to many and that I am not crazy. This is the information that I feel the need to pass on to anyone suffering from these disorders ,,,,especially to those I love.

You can live a full life. You don’t have to hide or be ashamed. Doctors now realize that this a brain wiring problem and much research is being done on the brain to identify where the various problems are located and what can be done to help. This also doesn’t mean that you must be born with it. Extreme trauma such as PTSD can cause the wiring glitch. There is a recent book by a lifelong anxiety sufferer called On Edge – A journey Through Anxiety by Andrea Peterson. It can be a tough read but she has done major research with scientists who are studying the problems. It may or may not be something you want to read but I found it enlightening.

The most important thing to remember is that we are not some weird creation. “God didn’t make junk.” (from marriage encounter) We have issues just like everyone else. Ours were taboo for a long while but that has changed and will continue to as more research is done. Hang in there! I lived through “the dark ages” and have a wonderful husband and family. Life is good most of the time. You can do it!

Share Pain – Help Others

by worrylessjourney, posted in compassion, connections, Loneliness, needs, understanding

Loneliness keeps cropping up in my thoughts. So many people are alone and long for someone to acknowledge they exist. The pain they are feeling is excruciating. It makes me want to reach out and touch them in some way. Some of these people are physically alone. They live by themselves and seldom see others but some are people that we meet every day. On the outside they seem like everyone else. It is the inside where the pain is found.

We have superficial relationships with many people and can pass right by someone who needs more. It can be difficult to risk reaching out and exploring the feelings of others. To do so we have to open ourselves to them. We have to be non-judgmental and most of all open to listening. Most of this is summed up in the word compassion.

Compassion_FuneralCall

Several people in blogs have mentioned being empathic.  I think there are those of us who do sense the pain of others. The question is do we do anything about it.

Any troubles that we have had in our lives prepares us to help others. If we have suffered a loss we are more able to understand the feelings of others in the same situation. People who have anxiety or depression can truly understand what someone else with the same issues is feeling. We think we are so different and admittedly each of us is unique but we all have suffered each in our own way. The interesting thing is that when we reach out to others we can sense our own pain diminishing. For me, sharing my pain is cutting it in half.

belonging (1)It is so heartwarming to find people able to open up about their own problems while writing a blog. Admittedly it’s easier than in person but it is still offering yourself to others. Maybe doing it in writing will make it easier to sense the pain of someone you actually meet. Too often we feel an outsider and that no one else has the same problems but when you start to actually hear others stories you know that you are not alone. You are in a community of belonging.

 

Are You Being Understood?

by worrylessjourney, posted in anxiety, electronic devices, misunderstanding, understanding

It is so difficult for those who have no issue with anxiety or depression to understand it. It is so foreign to how they function. I have heard so many people say that they can’t understand how anyone can commit suicide. Fortunately, that has not been part of my journey but when in the black hole of anxiety I can understand. It would be impossible to go on if you thought that the rest of your life would be lived in despair. Nothingness would be welcome. That is what those of us need to help others understand. It just might give hope to someone in the abyss.

understandingquotes

The way our society functions today I can see more and more people having problems. The stress that we are under is devastating. There is so much noise in our lives. A while back I read a book called The Overworked American. The author pointed out that we created so many devices to free us to take time for relaxation and renewal.  Unfortunately, the devices have created more stress and less free time. It used to be that when you went to the beach you were free to enjoy the water and the sand and the beauty of the day. Now most people spend more time on their electronic devices than they do taking advantage of the beauty around them.

I have worked with some young people and have found that they primarily communicate by text or email. Speaking face to face has become rare. I believe that we are communal beings and that we need connections to make out world complete. Our souls are not fed alone or electronically. To see the face of a loved one light up to meet us is joy. People who love us reflect our goodness to us. They help us to feel good about ourselves.

understanding

To  watch the face of others when we talk tells us so much more than the written word. It is so easy to have something misunderstood when we are not present to each other. This may be one of the biggest losses that our new forms of communication have given us.

 

 

Obviously, I like to use the written word and love our new forms of reaching out to others. We just need to be careful that it doesn’t replace the experience of talking face to face.